I'M A COMPLETE WUSS

Hello all

Right, I'm coming out with it now, right now!! I'm a wuss. Yep, I'm a huge wuss! Those that know me probably won't believe me, but I am and it's about time I confessed.

I am petrified of....SPIDERS! Actually, I don't like other things either, but my biggest, most terrifying thing in the whole wide world is SPIDERS! Sorry, shouldn't keep using capital letters in the middle of a sentence, or at the end of one for that matter, but it's the only way I can convey my complete and utter dread/fear/loathing of them. SPIDERS! Even the name makes me shudder. Brrrrr!

I've never liked them, ever, and I've had a couple of close calls with them. I remember distinctly waking in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep. I was probably about 8 or 9 at the time. I got up to get a book to read and when I turned round there was this monster crawling across my pillow. Needless to say I screamed, but by the time my dad got there, it had disappeared. I didn't sleep in the bed for the rest of the night, in fact, I didn't sleep in the bedroom!

Then there was the time I put on my school blazer and thought I saw a thread hanging from the elbow. I promptly got hold of it to pull it off and pulled away a bloody great brown thing instead. Aaaaargh!!!! Had to sit down for quite a while after that one.

Then there was the huge Godzilla of a spider that was in my bedroom (the larger back bedroom by this time) when I had my boyfriend over. He stamped on it several times, but the thing still kept crawling across the floor. Aaaaargh again!

Another occasion, I'd left home by then and was living with my daughter's father, I was laying in bed and could hear this tapping noise. It was like someone lightly drumming their fingers on paper. "What the hell is that?" I ask. "What?" says Dave. Tap, tap, tap. "THAT!!??" says I, getting a bit freaked. On goes the light, "Aaaaaaargh!" goes I. Ruddy great thing crawling on the wall above the bed! Sure it was wearing Dr Martins.

And so it goes on. I've had to learn to deal with them over time; starting with the little ones and working my way up. But, why oh why did the powers that be suddenly decide to stop increasing the size of the dreaded arachnids gradually at about 2p size and suddenly jump to the gargantuan, not quite fit under a beer glass, size!!! I can't make that jump, it's too huge! So, I can deal with littlies, but I cannot deal with the ones that come out about this time of year looking for mates. You know the ones, big, black, hairy ones. The ones wearing hobnail boots, biker jackets and riding Harleys (might as well be, the speed they run)! I know they are looking for the loves of their lives and I should be looking at them in a romantic, love lost, way, but I'm sorry, I don't! I look at them as a load of testosterone fuelled hoodies with ASBOs looking for fight and a cheap one night stand!

I've had five in my house this year. Yes! FIVE! And they are always there when I'm by myself! I had one in the kitchen sink when I came downstairs in the morning. I hadn't even had a cup of tea!! It was massive! No way was that fitting under a glass (not that I can get that close to them anyway). I had to go outside and drag someone in off the street! Yes, I really did! A delivery van had just pulled up and I squeakily asked if they would mind rescuing "A Damsel in Distress". "Depends on what it is!" One retorted. "Actually it's a spider and I hate them." I reply. "Ok, but I don't really like them myself." In he came. "Where is it?" He asks. "In the sink" I reply. He walks into my kitchen, sticks his head over the sink and goes "F.... me, that's big!". "Yep" I reply "It certainly is". He got rid of it for me though, bless!

Then I had one in the utility room, crawling up above the coats! "Philllllllllllll......" I scream. "What!?" he screams down (he'd gone to bed. "SPIDER!!!!!!!!" I scream back. Down he comes, spider dead. All is well.

Two nights later, I'm sitting here at the computer and one runs up the back of the computer on the wall. Huge. "Phillllllll....." I scream. "What?!" He's gone to bed again. "SPIDER!!!" "Oh, for God's sake!" Down he comes, spider dead, all is well again.

Then nothing! Two weeks of nothing. Yay, all done, no more. Yes, the lovesick ones have gone home.

But NO! Last week, I'm sitting watching the telly and I catch movement in the corner of my eye. Bloody great black thing running the 100yrd sprint across my living room floor! Aaargh! Can't call Phil as I'd lose it under the sofa and then I'd have to move out - seriously I would! So up I get and stamp, rather bravely I thought, on the dreaded thing. I squish my foot a bit, lift up my toes and the damn thing starts running again, on 6 legs! Jesus Christ! Stamp again, further squishing, heart about to break out of my ribcage, but it is dead! I can't bring myself to pick up the dead body as I'm shaking, feel sick and my heart really does feel like it's about to burst out of my chest. I cover it with tissue paper, so I don't have to look at it and watch tv for another hour so I can calm down. I then gingerly pick up the tissue paper with dead body and dispose of it. All is again well in the house.

Then, two days later both myself and Phil are watching telly, Callum is on computer and we suddenly hear "Daaaaaaad". "What?!" "Spider! Big one". Callum has been typing away on his game and needed to use the calculator that is propped up on it's side against the printer which is about a foot away from the keyboard. He's moved the calculator and there's a ruddy great spider just sitting there on the desk! Glad it wasn't me sitting there. I think the keyboard, printer, desk and everything else in the known vicinity would have gone flying!

It's been about a week now and no more! Am really hoping that we have seen the last for another year. I know that there are those of you out there who are reading this and thinking "poor spider" or "it's more scared of you than you are of it", but let me ask you this: "How the hell do you know, have you asked one?" Spiders never run away from me, always towards me. They are supposed to eat flies, but I've still got loads of those in my kitchen every day so they aren't doing a good job! So far, I've not seen any reason for them to live running around in my house and I certainly don't want to sit down with one and discuss the latest goings on in Strictly Come Dancing, so sorry, they die. Live IN my walls by all means; live IN my garden, I don't mind; but stay out of my view! You scare the pants of me and you will probably be the death of me one day by giving me a heart attack.

Actually, I've already broken my foot over one! Yes, really! Forgot to mention that monster. I was living on my own then with my daughter. Had just had a far too hot bath and was laying on my bed cooling off, whilst wrapped in a towel when I spotted this monster on my bedroom curtain! Sat up, swung legs over edge of bed to stand up (keeping my eyes on the dreaded spider in case I lost it) and stood up wrong, twisted my ankle and landed full weight on the side of my foot. "Aaaargh" Screamed I, ankle swells to size of football, ambulance called, broken foot, everyone at A&E having a good laugh and spider escapes! Some would say, the arachnid got it's own back for all it's brothers and sisters deaths and maybe it did, but it didn't help my fear or my vengence.

Hmmm, just thought of something else. I broke my leg whilst wrapped in a towel! Perhaps I should get a dressing gown!

Cya