Firstly I'd like to say that I had a good day yesterday, even though I, once again, didn't get any sleep until gone 2am and then was awake at 6am! Sun was shining, son's trampolining lesson went well and we had our usual friends back afterwards. Lots of tea and cake served and lots of chat. Daughter and Granddaughter also visited so had a full house. Was shattered afterwards and was determined to have an early night. However, it was not to be and I ended up a little later, 12.30am, rather than the 11pm I'd planned.
Anyway, today I had plans to cook the base cake for a friend's son's birthday and to go shopping for the rest of the ingredients. Hmmm, that didn't go according to plan as I woke up still shattered and with the worst back ache I'd had for weeks. Decided that I wasn't going to go out and so had a bit of a laze with a couple of cups of tea before making the base cake (at least that got done). Struggled to get the washing up done, but did it in two batches.
But I'm digressing as I was going to talk about guilt.
I had a bit of a wallowing self pity day the other day and since then I've been thinking about everyone else's problems which are far worse than mine.
For starters I have at least one friend who is looking out for an elderly relative. Another who has poorly parents. I have one friend who is recovering from cancer and another whose partner is contemplating having his foot removed as it isn't healing after 3 years of treatment. I have several friends who have housing difficulties and lots more with money problems. It appears that pretty much everyone has something in their lives which is causing trouble, pain, worry and stress, albeit at different levels. So what gave me the right to whinge on the other day. I had no right! In the great plan of things my troubles are minor, some are even self inflicted or at least could be dealt with if I got off my mental arse and did something about it.
Then again, do I have a right to feel guilty? I wasn't the one who made people poorly, I wasn't the one who caused money troubles and I'm not the landlord being a pig. I've tried my best to be as supportive as I can to those that are having problems. I might not being able to do anything more than offer a shoulder to cry on, a cup of tea and a slice of cake or just being on the other end of a text message or email. I can do no more than I can do. So, why do I feel guilty? Why, even if I take out the wallowing, do I still feel guilty.
Does it stem from the fact that I feel inadequate? Does it stem from the guilt that my mother installed in me whether deliberately or not (I was always to blame for the change in her marriage) or am I just a person who feels guilty even when I know I have no reason to be. Is it something that is an emotional code in the brain and does it present itself more in some than in others?
On doing a bit of google searching I came across this which may or may not be helpful.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/guilt-the-crippling-emotion/000722
Whatever the reason, I do feel guilt; all the time. I haven't done enough, I haven't spent enough time with my son/my daughter and I even feel guilty if my son has made more cups of tea than I have. It's stupid, depleting and sometimes just plain ridiculous, but it happens! Does anyone else feel the same or is it just me?
Whoa! Get a grip there, Jasper! Everybody does feel guilt from time to time, but there's no point in letting it get a hold of you. We all have regrets about things we think we should have done, or things we did that we shouldn't have. However, without the proverbial time machine, we can't go back and change it, it's done, we are where we are, let's deal with now and get on with it. As I can attest, life's too short to spend it regretting and feeling guilt. (Not that I intend to die for another 50 or 60 years, you understand but, when you've had to confront the possibility, it makes you focus a bit more on what's important.)
ReplyDeleteYou're a very positive person with an awful lot be be proud of. You've got energy, enthusiasm and intelligence, as evidenced by your blog; however, you're not in control of the entire world (I am, for the record) and as you rightly say you can't be responsible or accountable for everyone's problems; the fact that you feel guilty about having a "wallow" when other people's problems are worse than yours just means that you are compassionate and caring. There's nothing wrong, actually, with having a wallow - I do it all the time, it's the only thing that keeps me cheerful. Every now and then you need to unload a few moans and groans in a bit of "what about me?" wallowing, it's quite healthy.
That'll be 75 guineas, thank you, just pay the receptionist on the way out....