MONDAY MORNING.....WHAT THE HELL?

Ok, I've had a rather fab weekend.  Seem to be making a habit of those lately.  Saturday was a lazy one with a bit of shopping, bit of gardening, bit of telly catching upping, you're getting the idea and Sunday was the excellent Fuse Festival in Rochester Castle grounds with my beloved son, who is now the grand old age of 16!  We love the Fuse Festival and, luckily, it always falls on the weekend of his birthday so we can't forget it, hehe and it gives us something definite to do.  Favourite acts of the year were The Giant Balloon Show, which, no matter how many times we see it, still cracks us up and The Most Dangerous Cup of Tea in the World which was very silly with a bit of slapstick thrown in.

 

Giant Balloon 

 

Dangerous Cup of Tea




However, last night, for some unknown reason, I couldn't get comfortable and therefore didn't sleep well.  This has meant that I've woken up later than I wanted and am totally 'not with it'.  I'd like to sit in the corner and play silly buggers on FB or watch a movie.  What I NEED to do is clean up, feed the dogs, sort out dinner for later, do my finances and check what my son is up to on the home ed front.  Can't believe it's nearly 1.30pm and I haven't even put my bed away (I sleep on a Zbed downstairs due to back and sleep problems).  I have a feeling that this week is going to be a long one. There has already been one change of plan and I sense there is more on the way.

I'm still in Glastonbury panic mode although nowhere near as bad as before, but I will feel better once I've packed, repacked, sorted, probably packed again and know that everything is ready.  I probably won't be truely relaxed until we are there and the tent is up; damn this anxiety thingy.

It's also a friend's birthday this week and do you think I can find the present I made her?  Nope, of course I can't....Grrrrrr!  So will have to get something small and give the actual present to her when I've found it.  It's around somewhere!

Anyway, just a quickie.  Really must get going and get on with stuff as supposed to be off to cinema later this evening and want to tick off my list before I go.

Cya

GOOD TIMES AND A WEIRD PANIC ATTACK

Oh dear, have had a funny couple of weeks and an extremely odd panic attack.

But starting on a good note; had a fab day out for my birthday with my daughter taking a trip down to Rochester for the day, including my first Dickens Festival.  Was nowhere near as busy as I expected and, to be honest, a bit disappointing on the Dickens front, although did see a fair few fab steampunk costumes.  We started off with breakfast in the café before catching the train to Rochester. Then a wander round the shops, stalls and flea market before having coffee and cake in Bruno’s which, I’m happy to report does, at least one, gluten free option.

Got spoilt rotten in Hometown and home to fish pie (my favourite) cooked by my partner.

Staying with the birthday treats; had another breakfast bought for me by a friend on Tuesday and a good catch up as we hadn’t seen each other for a fair while.

This past weekend was the pub reunion which was awesome.  Loads of people, we packed out the pub, good company (some of whom I hadn’t seen for 30 years) and brilliant music.

This week, I’ve been really tired as the dog wasn’t well over the weekend and kept me up most of Sunday night and I don’t think I’ve really caught up.  Probably because of this, I had a huge panic attack, which was totally stupid and pointless and bizarre, about the up and coming trip to Glastonbury Festival.  Woke up at 4am with thoughts of not being able to pitch the tent due to space, having to put it up in the dark, losing my granddaughter because we were struggling with the tent and all such ridiculous things that, at the time, seemed monumental but after much thought were just mental without the monu!

I think I’m being far too hard on myself and am probably trying to be responsible for everything, including people’s enjoyment, which is ridiculous!  I’m sure half of it is due to having had sixteen years of being totally responsible for someone’s ability to cope and having to have planned, with military precision, every trip we’ve ever done (taking into account all eventualities and worst case scenarios as my son was a ‘runner’ when small).  It’s a hard habit to break, but I must break it.

I think if I was going by myself I wouldn’t be feeling anywhere near as stressed which seems odd when I think about it as I would have thought it would make it worse being by myself. But, having done a lot more by myself recently and enjoying it because I’ve not had to feel responsible for anyone but me, the relief of not having to worry about anyone has been rather liberating.  So when I am with someone I revert back to the worrying and the feeling that I need to be in control so that, should anything go wrong, I’ll be able to deal with it straight away rather than just accepting that something has gone wrong and going with the flow.

Anyway, I’m ok at the moment and, to be honest, I’m looking forward to it although I have no idea what my plans are re seeing any bands.  Before then, however, I’ve got my son’s birthday today, a day trip out planned next week and a weekend full of my granddaughter’s birthday party next Saturday and our family Nerf War’s day next Sunday.  This weekend C is off with his dad tomorrow to a model railway show and we are off to Fuse Festival in Rochester on Sunday; busy, busy, busy.  Which is probably a good thing, ha ha; maybe it’ll stop me from having ‘over the top’ stresses.

Cya

Dapper Gent 

Butterfly Ladies (also seen at ComicCon)

FEELING DISCONNECTED!

Hi all, sorry not written, it's been a weird couple of weeks with regard to the virtual world.  I avoided as much as I could the week after the election due to my total disbelief that the Torys got in and the subsequent panic attacks and depression that followed.  I wanted to distance myself from everyone's anger, posts, comments, worries and outrage as I was feeling very delicate myself and didn't want to spiral and I certainly didn't want to blog in that state as I felt I'd done all that already.

A few weeks on and there is still disbelief and outrage on places like Facebook, but I'm now in that state of mind that it's a bit like closing the gate after the horse has bolted.  I know all of those that are still raging didn't vote them in, but enough now please.  It's happened!  Apart from assasination and/or attempting to do our bit by signed petitions, there really isn't anything we can do about it now and, to be honest, assasination won't help as another bugger from the same party will just step up. We had our say and others voted wrongly, whether by choice or tactical voting, they are in and we have to deal with it.  So please, please stop posting.  Please, please can we have something more positive, something uplifting, something funny to brighten the dark days that we now have to endure for the next 5 years.  Yes, sorry to remind you, but we have 5 more years of this and I dread to think about what the state of this country will be in by the end of it.

I've withdrawn a bit for the moment.  I'm not in the mood to socialise and I'm trying desparately to get everything paid off or necessities bought before the dreaded day when my money will, probably, stop.  Perhaps I'm just practicing ;-)  I do have a few things with my son planned and I do have Glastonbury to look forward to, luckily paid now and, after kind donations at Xmas and up and coming birthday, I should have some spending money (even if it's only enough to feed myself and provide myself with tea), but I must admit that in my head, the calendar stops at the end of July.  After that I'm in no man's land with regard to plans, money, my son's education, etc.  Won't know until at least then if we are safe for another year or we're holed up indoors for the next however many until either he's old enough and confident enough and able to get himself a job and/or I am capable of finding one that fits in with my pain threshold.

STOP!  I'm off again and that isn't what I'm supposed to be doing.

Decided I'm just going to add some photos that cheer me up and start to do what I want other's to do - be a bit more positive.

My gorgeous kids and grandchild with The Gruffalo

A lucky spot whilst at Fort Horsted

Cheeky Chappy at Heligan

Me and my longest known mates at Hever

Pig!  Just because

Plate spinning (yes I really was)

Natural History Museum Butterflies

Sweet little things, cunningly hidden

Cya

IT DEPENDS ON THE WEATHER

Okay, new year and new resolutions?  Nah, as I'm hopeless at them; making them and keeping them.  So I'm not going to promise that I'll keep this up, I will probably not write it every day/week/month, but I will write when I feel up to it or because I want to.

So, update!  Been on antidepressants for a while, but am now off them.  Not by doctor's orders I might add, but accidentally.  I knew I was running short, so took the final couple of weeks as one every other day as getting to the doctors wasn't going to be an easy thing to fit in and I'm supposed to have had an appointment anyway.  So, finally managed to get to docs, went in, only to be turned away as they were having a monthly meeting and no-one was allowed in!!!!!  Popped prescription repeat request into box and hoped for the best.  A few days later, I called the docs for an appointment only to discover that I couldn't get one for 3 weeks!!!!!!!  Unless an emergency one of course, which meant ringing in the morning for a morning appointment or the afternoon for an afternoon one.  The latter is something I never understand especially as I'd rung at 11am.  Surely they would have known by then if there was an afternoon appointment available.  Hate their stupid system, almost as much as I hate the fact that all doctor practices in the building have automatic sign in for appointments on a little computer screen except mine.  Screen never seems to be working, so you have to queue up just to tell the receptionist, who is invariably on the phone or chatting to a patient, that you've arrived. Hrumph!!  I digress. So realising that I couldn't get an appointment I went on my merry way through life until I suddenly realised a week later that I hadn't picked up the prescription.  By this point I'd been out of tablets for two weeks and as I wasn't feeling too bad and that I was also skint, I decided not to bother picking the damn thing up and spending £8.05 for something that I might not need anymore (what is it with the 5p?  A nice round £8 would be preferrable).  So here I am, not on tablets, not feeling too bad and awaiting another week before doc gets back from wherever he may be so I can make an appointment.

During this time of being half off and completely off tablets, I've also noticed how much the weather affects me!  Take yesterday.  Sunny day, although cold, was up early as having guttering man coming to clean out the gutters (obviously) and the downpipe.  I managed to get so much done yesterday and I felt amazing doing it.  Thought to myself, "this is it, the answer to everything, get up extra early and spend the day doing 'stuff'."  But no!  Today, I'm tired, miserable (although that has more to do with hearing some pretty awful news about a very close friend), I can't be bothered to go out and I want to curl up on sofa.  Why?  Because the weather is dark, dingy and miserable too!  So I'm not depressed, I'm just weather dependant.

Although now I've said that I must add that I actually was depressed when I first started taken the little pills of joy.  I hated everything and pretty much couldn't stand most people either.  That has changed, but I have realised that it's me that had to change.  I had to realise that there are some people you have to spell everything out to; you have to explain it all, give them instructions and tell them when you want it done by.  They, then, happily get on with it, throwing themselves into it with full enthusiam and the job gets done to a fab standard.  I wish it didn't have to be that way; I wish they could think for themselves, get on with stuff that is obvious to me and be enthusiastic about sorting it out in the first place, but no, that isn't going to happen.  So I've accepted that I have to be 'mum' to a man who is a year older than me and tell him what I want him to do and if I can't get him to do it, I'll have to pay a man who can and then reclaim the money back after a small arguement of "I asked you. No you didn't. Yes I did! Well I couldn't do it due to xyz or I was going to do it later (which of course is never). But it needed doing now!  Well it's done now so how much?" As to everyone else, I need to shut up and let them get on with it.

Well, that's tablets update, me update, me having another moan, me curling up on sofa writing this instead of actually doing something, although I did just nip off an put the spuds in the oven (rosemary and garlic flavoured mini roasties; son's favourite) and me signing off as I can't be bothered to write any more.

Cya

FRIDAY 4TH - THE GUILT DILEMMA

Firstly I'd like to say that I had a good day yesterday, even though I, once again, didn't get any sleep until gone 2am and then was awake at 6am!  Sun was shining, son's trampolining lesson went well and we had our usual friends back afterwards. Lots of tea and cake served and lots of chat.  Daughter and Granddaughter also visited so had a full house.  Was shattered afterwards and was determined to have an early night.  However, it was not to be and I ended up a little later, 12.30am, rather than the 11pm I'd planned.

Anyway, today I had plans to cook the base cake for a friend's son's birthday and to go shopping for the rest of the ingredients.  Hmmm, that didn't go according to plan as I woke up still shattered and with the worst back ache I'd had for weeks.  Decided that I wasn't going to go out and so had a bit of a laze with a couple of cups of tea before making the base cake (at least that got done).  Struggled to get the washing up done, but did it in two batches.

But I'm digressing as I was going to talk about guilt.

I had a bit of a wallowing self pity day the other day and since then I've been thinking about everyone else's problems which are far worse than mine.

For starters I have at least one friend who is looking out for an elderly relative.  Another who has poorly parents.  I have one friend who is recovering from cancer and another whose partner is contemplating having his foot removed as it isn't healing after 3 years of treatment.  I have several friends who have housing difficulties and lots more with money problems.  It appears that pretty much everyone has something in their lives which is causing trouble, pain, worry and stress, albeit at different levels.  So what gave me the right to whinge on the other day.  I had no right!  In the great plan of things my troubles are minor, some are even self inflicted or at least could be dealt with if I got off my mental arse and did something about it.

Then again, do I have a right to feel guilty?  I wasn't the one who made people poorly, I wasn't the one who caused money troubles and I'm not the landlord being a pig.  I've tried my best to be as supportive as I can to those that are having problems.  I might not being able to do anything more than offer a shoulder to cry on, a cup of tea and a slice of cake or just being on the other end of a text message or email.  I can do no more than I can do.  So, why do I feel guilty?  Why, even if I take out the wallowing, do I still feel guilty.

Does it stem from the fact that I feel inadequate?  Does it stem from the guilt that my mother installed in me whether deliberately or not (I was always to blame for the change in her marriage) or am I just a person who feels guilty even when I know I have no reason to be.  Is it something that is an emotional code in the brain and does it present itself more in some than in others?

On doing a bit of google searching I came across this which may or may not be helpful.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/guilt-the-crippling-emotion/000722

Whatever the reason, I do feel guilt; all the time.  I haven't done enough, I haven't spent enough time with my son/my daughter and I even feel guilty if my son has made more cups of tea than I have.  It's stupid, depleting and sometimes just plain ridiculous, but it happens!  Does anyone else feel the same or is it just me?

WEDNESDAY 2ND APRIL - DOWNTURN, EEEK

Oh dear, that didn't go too well.  Thought I'd have a nice laze in the bath, but just as I started to relax, the brain went into gear.  Was thinking about what I need to do this week and what I was looking forward to and what I wasn't:

Thursday:  All good. *smiley face* Ah, must remember to get up and sweep the house through and the fireplace and shelves need a good dusting. Oh and ensure C is up so we can watch Grimm before E turns up *not so smiley face* .

Friday: All set to get started on a cake that I have commissioned *smiley face* Must get to Aldi and buy some chocolate and a couple of other bits *still smiley face*  Oh, what if they haven't got the choc I want?  Must remember to go to Wilkos on way home and check out some new tins while I'm at it. Oh, and don't forget to ring the PC man about the installer programme and must remember to do the monitoring in the garden with C.  Suddenly Friday isn't looking as calm and collected as I first thought *smiley face waning a bit*

Never mind as Saturday is sort of free in the day.  So anything not done Friday can be done on Saturday *smiley face back*, but then I'm going to have to kick 'other half' out of the kitchen *smiley face starting to look a bit worried* but I've got the quiz night to look forward to in the evening.  Oh, but that means going out, that means getting dressed and, bugger, can't have a drink with the tablets I'm on and what if people don't turn up and what if I make an idiot of myself.  Oh, whatever, it'll be a laugh.  *still smiley face even after tiny hiccup* Must remember, however, that;

Sunday: Babysitting for the day.  That's fine.  If weather nice might go out, if not so good, may go in the garden and there's always indoors with a DVD if necessary.  I know I'll be knackered, but *smiley face*

These thoughts then brought me to next week where I've got the cake to do and I'm panicing about whether it'll get done, be ok, work and that they'll like it.  I'm hoping no disturbances, that home ed will get done and I'll still have time, that my back and hips won't hurt too much.  Now I'm not saying I don't want to do it; I do, I really do, but this is what runs around my head.  Then of course I'm off to London on the Friday and the Saturday, so I'm thinking about train times, whether C will still want to go on Friday, will I be able to get him up in time, will he be moody, will I be moody, making sure money is there and I remember to take it out, whether my hip will be killing me by then and that I won't be expected to walk too much on the Friday and that Saturday the seats will be comfortable.

And the list goes on!  In the end I thought I might as well get out of the bath and come downstairs as it certainly wasn't turning into the relaxing bath I was hoping for.  I wanted to get downstairs and write this out before I forget.

I'm not saying that all of this stuff doesn't go around everyone's head in one way, shape or form, it must do and I'm not looking for sympathy as I know there are busier people out there who work wonders.  All I'm saying is I wish my damn brain would switch off occasionally and give me a break.  I'm now thinking that 'I can't wait for the next two weeks to be over'.  Crazy thought as 99% of what I'm doing I really want to do, but my brain is working overdrive to the point where it just wants to stop and have nothing to do. Really brain, you think that that is going to happen?  Get a grip and stop whinging. *winks*

WEDNESDAY AND TRYING TO GET A SCHEDULE BACK

Hi all, didn't post yesterday as I was exhausted.  After a busy weekend pottering in garden, looking after baby granddaughter and being out with friends on the Monday I was already knackered.

Tuesday morning came and I started the pill popping (see last entry), got up and met another friend of mine for a coffee and a swap of cash for catalogue and party orders.  Sometimes we go out for a coffee and a bit of shopping, sometimes she comes to me and we have a morning at mine with tea and cake.  After finishing the shopping, coming home, feeding dog, hanging out the washing on the line and planting the two new honeysuckle bushes I'd bought in the 99p store, I had a cuppa and waiting for my son to get up.  And I waited and I waited.  Ended up taking up a cuppa to him at 12.10pm to get him up as we had trampoline lesson in the afternoon.  Walked there, went to Subway (took it home instead of staying in) and came home. I ached like hell by this point, was absoluted knackered as I'd have approx 4 hours sleep again and so cancelled another visit that I was supposed to do that day.  Hate cancelling things, but I know that at times, its what is best for me and especially now.  I have to be kind to me!!  Fell asleep for about 15mins on the sofa in the early evening, curled up on sofa and watched mong telly in the later part of the evening and actually had an early night.  Woo hoo!

Today, feeling a little bit more 'with it' although still tired.  Sunshine was a good thing this morning and I decided that I must reintroduce a schedule for doing some home education.  It's now April and we have just over 3 months before the open day, so we need to get work done.  C got up and we had a bit of a discussion.  Going to tackle a bit at a time and use science kits as much as we can as they mean I don't have to spend ages prepping anything as it's already done for us.  Just need to double check if we need to add anything to the kits beforehand.

So, we made a start on Genetics and DNA kit and I left him to fill in a Vitamin question and answer sheet from a project that we started ages ago and never actually did anything with.  Again means I don't have to think too much.

I also went through my diary and cancelled a few things that I really didn't want to do in the first place and pencilled in some 'keep free' dates so that I don't overbook myself.  I know that a lot of how I feel is about management.  It's about learning to say no, about prioritising and not expecting myself to do too much.  I am my own worst enemy as I want to do everything and that is physically impossible.

Maybe the fact that I'm now in my 50s isn't helping.  I may not consciously be thinking that I'm running out of time, but maybe subconsciously I am.  Working on the fact that your parents age of dying equates roughly to your own age, although that isn't a scientific formula, and obviously health and diet will contribute to that I'm working on the fact I should have approximately 20-25 years left!!!  Eeeeek, that is nowhere near long enough and as my physical health isn't exactly brilliant I could have less than that to be physically active.  That is actually a rather scary thought and I do end up falling into the trap of saying yes to absolutely everything as I want to cram it all in.  I know that they say you SHOULD live for today, but today still only has 24 hrs in it and you have to factor in sleep, rest, food, toilet breaks, etc haha, so I really should give myself a break and stop thinking the worst and spread it out a bit.

At the moment I've decided to give myself a small lists of tasks to do each day and I'll work on ticking them off.  If I start to struggle, then I know that the list is too long and if I find it becomes easy, then I'll start adding.  That way I should build up the list until it is managable and I'm happy with it.  The list will include boring housework stuff, paperworky stuff (filing, bills, etc), home ed stuff, garden stuff, social stuff and crafty stuff that I like (hopefully 1 or 2 craft items).  Sounds a lot doesn't it, but some jobs shouldn't take too long so it shouldn't be impossible to do although I will give myself a break if I don't get it all done straight away and obviously not everything will be on the list every day.

So, in short, today I'm feeling a bit more positive, although still tired and achy.  Whether I feel the same tomorrow, I don't know. We shall see.

RELAUNCH AND CLINICAL DEPRESSION

Hi all, I know it's been ages, but I really wasn't in the mood to blog any more.  However, I've decided to relaunch this one as I was, today, diagnosed with clinical depression.  Luckily, currently, its only mild.

I've suffered from depression on and off for most of my life since my teens.  Some attacks are bad, some not so, but all affect me.

From an outsider's point of view I have a pretty good life.  I have a house which I share with my 'partner' (more on that later), my son and our dog.  I don't need to work.  I'm not well off, but the bills get paid.  I'm usually happy and smiley.

BUT....my house is on a mortgage which I never wanted; my partner and I have grown apart and, although still friends, we no longer sleep together or are intimate with each other, I don't cook for him or do his laundry. We are virtually lodgers under the same roof and it mainly works, but sometimes it doesn't.

I home educate my Asperger son who is now 14.  He's a typical teenage boy and wants to spend most of his time on the Xbox or computer.  I worry that we don't do enough especially as he's applying for college this year.  He won't have exams and that isn't a problem, but I worry that he won't get in or, if he does, whether he'll be ok.  He currently has no motivation or enthusiasm and as neither do I, it's hard.

My dog is old, lumpy and coughing.  I can't take him to the vets as I can't afford it and they have already said they wouldn't operate anyway due to his age.  He's eating, drinking, pleased to see us, loves his walks and is generally happy, so I'm not too concerned, but I am worried.  What will we do when he goes?  What will my son think?  Will my 'partner' come home with another one, even though I've already said I don't want another one?

As to me, I'm tired and not sleeping well.  I've got too many things going on in my head and I can't think straight.  And I'm in pain pretty much 100% of the time due to inflammation on my hip and my spine.  My knees have also been playing up due to compensating for the hip and spine (no control over that, the body just does it without you knowing about it).

Every morning I wake up and I don't want to get up, I don't want to get dressed and I don't want to go out. I know that I have to.  I know that staying indoors won't help my mood, but sometimes it's such an effort. Standing in front of a wardrobe with a load of clothes that you don't feel inspired by, often feel like you look a state in and not really wanting to put them on in the first place is difficult and then there is the hair and then the face.  Attempting to wash is often a chore.  Take tonight.  I'd had a lovely afternoon out with friends and then got home exhausted due to lack of sleep last night.  I knew I needed a bath and to eat, but all I actually wanted to do was put on my pjs and curl up on the sofa.  I didn't!  I made a cup of tea, ran a bath, laid in it and read for a while, then washed and put on pjs.  I then quickly put together something with rice and then curled up on the sofa.  It wasn't difficult, but it was a huge effort!

What got me a diagnosis?  I went to the docs and got one.  I always feel a bit low during January, but by mid Feb, I'm normally on the up again.  However, this time it didn't happen, even with those few sunny days we had, I had no energy and no enthusiasm to get out and about.  I knew that this wasn't the 'normal' me and I knew it wasn't getting any better, so an appointment was made.

Luckily I have a good doctor who listens.  A lot of talking was done and then a quick 'quiz' was done and I was then informed that, yes, I had depression.  Some SSRis have been prescribed and I've got to see him again in 6 weeks.  I start the SSRis tomorrow and I know that they will take a time to kick in.  Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors if anyone interested.  And we will see how we get on.

So I'm relaunching the blog.  So I can have a bit of an explanation of how I feel each day and whether things are changing.

What brought it on?  No idea, sometimes there doesn't have to be a reason, sometimes it just happens.

WHAT TO DO? WHAT TO DO?

Am in a funny mood today!  Want to do something, but don't, if you know what I mean.  I have a list of jobs that need to be done, but, after looking at them, I need to either buy stuff, which I can't until Tuesday as have no money until then, or ring people and it's bank holiday so no-one about until Tuesday (again).

There is some gardening jobs I could do, but I'm really not in the mood as my neck and shoulders really hurt and one of the jobs involves digging!  I'm not in the mood to sort out photos or set up the new printer.

I could weigh up the EBay stuff I want to sell, but Phil around and he'll start asking questions.  He's already asked me what I wanted a bin liner for earlier! Why the hell does he think I need a bin liner?  Does he think I'm going to dress up in it or make curtains from it or decorate the wall with it?  I need a bin liner as I have rubbish to put in it you stupid man!

So, I have sorted out the corner under the window in the bedroom.  It has a baby box in it and all the Body Shop stuff, which was in several boxes.  I've managed to sort it all out and chuck out what was surplus and unnecessary, so the corner looks a lot tidier and hasn't got so many boxes in it.  I've also sorted out the computer corner where all the paperwork/home ed stuff is.  So filing done, rubbish cleared, recycling sorted, home ed stuff put away and tidied up.  Computer area now doesn't look as if it'll be lost forever under files, paper and science stuff; hoorah!

Apart from that though, I've not done anything else on this glorious sunshiny day.  My brain isn't feeling creative, so I'm not writing (apart from this).  I'm not knitting as I want to sort out the blanket before I start anything new and I need to go buy backing fabric and ribbon to do that.

So, what to do, what to do?

Hate moods like this (unusual in this weather), can't get motivated or enthused.  It may be because I was hoping to go to the cinema today and odd job tomorrow, but plans been changed so going to cinema tomorrow instead.  Brain not good at last minute changes; it gets a little confused and feels a bit at a loose end.  Hey ho!

On the plus side, I made a list of plants that I wanted earlier in the week and whilst outside pulling up some grass (so, yes, a teeny weeny bit of gardening done this morning whilst waiting for the kettle to boil) I discovered that one of the plants I wanted is already growing in my garden; just not in the right place.  Thought I had some, but wasn't sure, so checked it whilst drinking the tea I made from the awaiting kettle and it is!  Whoop whoop!  Just need to transplant it and hope it doesn't die!

Anyway, cya!  Hopefully I'll think of something to do so I don't feel like the day has been wasted.