SUNDAY RANT: BIT POLITICAL, PROBABLY CONTROVERSIAL (FORGIVE ME) AND DEFINITELY OFF ON TANGENTS

Hi all

Just let me first say that I'm a fan of Facebook; I love my friends on there.  I love their diversity, their enthusiasm, their political and environmental passions, their empathy for others and the world around them and the wealth of information that they give me.

However, there are times when it all becomes too much and like everything else I've noticed it comes in waves.  Firstly my news feed was plastered with refugee crisis, then it was Brexit, then it was Dakota and now it's Trump (with smatterings of the rest still thrown in).  I find this all a bit overwhelming and sometimes, and I mean very occasionally, I also find it a bit contradictory.

During Brexit I had about half and half (bit like the country) with views on leaving and views on staying; this, of course, led to several debates, many interesting articles and one huge fallout and loss of a 'friend'; although to be honest if someone isn't willing to see both sides of the coin and accuses me of being stupid just because I don't agree with them, I don't actually see it as a huge loss.  But I'm digressing from a point!  One argument for leaving that popped up on various occasions was that we (the country) didn't want someone else being involved in our politics; we didn't want people sticking their noses in and telling us how we should behave.  But now some of those people, not all, just some, are saying that we should be rallying to get Trump out, doing all we can to stop his 'nonsense'. Hang on a minute; you can't say on one hand that you don't want Brussels having a say in our politics but then have the nerve to suggest that we can have a say in America's.

I would like to point out that I think we have entered very dangerous times and that I'm also very aware that whatever a country does in it's political system can and often does have a global effect especially decisions made by the 'superpowers'.  I can't stand Trump!  I think he's a self obsessed, power crazy, womanising bigot but the USA voted and he got in. I don't think they had a particularly brilliant alternative, but there you are; he's in and we are going to have to accept that and face the consequences of that decision just as Labour voters have to accept Conservatives winning and vice versa.

Of course we will still continue to campaign, we will still fight to preserve human rights and we will continue to stand up to fascist dictators, we will petition, we will march, we will raise whatever banners we feel are necessary to get people to take notice and that is because the majority of the world's people are caring, humanitarian and generally bloody good people!  BUT, and I put this in capitols because I think it's a huge but, we cannot be all pious on one hand and then point fingers on the other.  We have to accept that some things in this life, although possibly horrific, are none of our business.

I think what I'm trying to say is I'm getting the impression that some people are pointing fingers at American citizens and blaming them for the world that could be ahead just as some people pointed fingers and accused half the nation of being imbeciles over Brexit.  No-one personally knows the people who voted one way or the other (of course we know those that are in our close vicinity), but we do not truly know the reasons why they voted the way they did.  They may have felt it was the lesser of two evils; it may have been, as a lot of people who voted Brexit are now saying, that they were misinformed.  We do not know their personal circumstances so we cannot point blame!

I'm just grateful to those people that voted!  Much better to vote and be wrong, in mine or other people's opinion, than to not vote at all.  Those that don't use their vote are the ones that I'm more likely to point fingers at.  To not vote, in my opinion, is to not care; about others or yourself or family. To not vote allows those dictators to rise up; let's face it if you can't be bothered to get of your arse and tick a bit of paper why would you be arsed if someone starts telling you how to live your life! Democracy is, in my opinion, a bloody brilliant thing; it means that the people have a say.  Of course we're going to get it wrong occasionally, we're not infallible; we make mistakes, we wouldn't be human if we didn't.  We should, theoretically learn from those mistakes and we did for quite a number of years after the last World War but you have to remember that the young don't have those memories, they are removed from that horror, they are blissfully living in a state where that does not exist to them personally and so they cannot comprehend that something that horrific could happen again.

My mother would often say that the world needs a good war occasionally!  I don't agree with her on it by the way although I can see why she said it.  Her argument was that 1) it helps to keep the population down as we have no predators apart from ourselves and 2) it's a great reminder to appreciate what is 'real' in life.  In other words when faced with the horrors that come with war you start to appreciate what really matters; family, friends, food, safety, the lack of fear and the support and love from your fellow man.  Maybe we in the west do need one.  Maybe then we will stop obsessing over celebrity, selfies, size, shape, money, merchandise and all the other shallow things that we seem, in general, to be obsessed with.  Maybe then we will start caring about each other and maybe then when we are next allowed to vote (if we haven't been taken over by a fascist dictator) we will do our research and all get off our arses and make the right decisions about who we want in charge.

Rant over.

MONDAY MORNING.....WHAT THE HELL?

Ok, I've had a rather fab weekend.  Seem to be making a habit of those lately.  Saturday was a lazy one with a bit of shopping, bit of gardening, bit of telly catching upping, you're getting the idea and Sunday was the excellent Fuse Festival in Rochester Castle grounds with my beloved son, who is now the grand old age of 16!  We love the Fuse Festival and, luckily, it always falls on the weekend of his birthday so we can't forget it, hehe and it gives us something definite to do.  Favourite acts of the year were The Giant Balloon Show, which, no matter how many times we see it, still cracks us up and The Most Dangerous Cup of Tea in the World which was very silly with a bit of slapstick thrown in.

 

Giant Balloon 

 

Dangerous Cup of Tea




However, last night, for some unknown reason, I couldn't get comfortable and therefore didn't sleep well.  This has meant that I've woken up later than I wanted and am totally 'not with it'.  I'd like to sit in the corner and play silly buggers on FB or watch a movie.  What I NEED to do is clean up, feed the dogs, sort out dinner for later, do my finances and check what my son is up to on the home ed front.  Can't believe it's nearly 1.30pm and I haven't even put my bed away (I sleep on a Zbed downstairs due to back and sleep problems).  I have a feeling that this week is going to be a long one. There has already been one change of plan and I sense there is more on the way.

I'm still in Glastonbury panic mode although nowhere near as bad as before, but I will feel better once I've packed, repacked, sorted, probably packed again and know that everything is ready.  I probably won't be truely relaxed until we are there and the tent is up; damn this anxiety thingy.

It's also a friend's birthday this week and do you think I can find the present I made her?  Nope, of course I can't....Grrrrrr!  So will have to get something small and give the actual present to her when I've found it.  It's around somewhere!

Anyway, just a quickie.  Really must get going and get on with stuff as supposed to be off to cinema later this evening and want to tick off my list before I go.

Cya

GOOD TIMES AND A WEIRD PANIC ATTACK

Oh dear, have had a funny couple of weeks and an extremely odd panic attack.

But starting on a good note; had a fab day out for my birthday with my daughter taking a trip down to Rochester for the day, including my first Dickens Festival.  Was nowhere near as busy as I expected and, to be honest, a bit disappointing on the Dickens front, although did see a fair few fab steampunk costumes.  We started off with breakfast in the café before catching the train to Rochester. Then a wander round the shops, stalls and flea market before having coffee and cake in Bruno’s which, I’m happy to report does, at least one, gluten free option.

Got spoilt rotten in Hometown and home to fish pie (my favourite) cooked by my partner.

Staying with the birthday treats; had another breakfast bought for me by a friend on Tuesday and a good catch up as we hadn’t seen each other for a fair while.

This past weekend was the pub reunion which was awesome.  Loads of people, we packed out the pub, good company (some of whom I hadn’t seen for 30 years) and brilliant music.

This week, I’ve been really tired as the dog wasn’t well over the weekend and kept me up most of Sunday night and I don’t think I’ve really caught up.  Probably because of this, I had a huge panic attack, which was totally stupid and pointless and bizarre, about the up and coming trip to Glastonbury Festival.  Woke up at 4am with thoughts of not being able to pitch the tent due to space, having to put it up in the dark, losing my granddaughter because we were struggling with the tent and all such ridiculous things that, at the time, seemed monumental but after much thought were just mental without the monu!

I think I’m being far too hard on myself and am probably trying to be responsible for everything, including people’s enjoyment, which is ridiculous!  I’m sure half of it is due to having had sixteen years of being totally responsible for someone’s ability to cope and having to have planned, with military precision, every trip we’ve ever done (taking into account all eventualities and worst case scenarios as my son was a ‘runner’ when small).  It’s a hard habit to break, but I must break it.

I think if I was going by myself I wouldn’t be feeling anywhere near as stressed which seems odd when I think about it as I would have thought it would make it worse being by myself. But, having done a lot more by myself recently and enjoying it because I’ve not had to feel responsible for anyone but me, the relief of not having to worry about anyone has been rather liberating.  So when I am with someone I revert back to the worrying and the feeling that I need to be in control so that, should anything go wrong, I’ll be able to deal with it straight away rather than just accepting that something has gone wrong and going with the flow.

Anyway, I’m ok at the moment and, to be honest, I’m looking forward to it although I have no idea what my plans are re seeing any bands.  Before then, however, I’ve got my son’s birthday today, a day trip out planned next week and a weekend full of my granddaughter’s birthday party next Saturday and our family Nerf War’s day next Sunday.  This weekend C is off with his dad tomorrow to a model railway show and we are off to Fuse Festival in Rochester on Sunday; busy, busy, busy.  Which is probably a good thing, ha ha; maybe it’ll stop me from having ‘over the top’ stresses.

Cya

Dapper Gent 

Butterfly Ladies (also seen at ComicCon)

GOT THAT FRIDAY FEELING!

It’s Friday – woo hoo!!

It’s PJ day – double woo hoo!!

It has been a long week this week as it’s the busy one with home ed as we’ve had two lots of trampolining and the start of our course at Royal Engineers Museum.  I’ve also been having trouble sleeping; averaging about 5 hours a night and some of that broken, so been a bit of a zombie.

Today, however, and maybe because I know it’s an easy day, I’m feeling fine.  Catching up on computer bits; new timetable, accounts both my own and trampoline class’, orders, Facebook, etc, etc.  I’ve made soup for lunch and Callum has been pottering too, catching up with some work and fiddling about with computer bits.

I’m also feeling extremely loved!  My birthday isn’t until tomorrow, but I’ve already been treated to a cinema night, seeing Mad Max which was like a post-apocalyptic Fast and Furious on steroids and totally brilliant, been given a beautiful ‘Stonehenge’ oil burner, a book, several cards and umpteen bunches of flowers, so my house smells wonderful.

Tulips and Parrot Tulips

Roses plus

More roses, Arum Lillies plus

I’ve got a day out planned with my daughter for my actual birthday and a breakfast being bought for me next Tuesday!  I’m feeling very lucky and very privileged to have such fab friends and gorgeous children; my son, Callum, giving me more money for my Glastonbury fund.

I’m pleased to announce that this week’s blog has no moans or groans and is short.  Must be a first!!

Cya

http://www.re-museum.co.uk/

http://www.therochesterflea.com/

ANXIETY Vs DEPRESSION: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

I want to start by saying that I’ve just had a fab weekend.  Yup, really!

Friday my son and I met up with some friends and went to Margate.  Initially it was supposed to be a visit to the Turner Gallery for an exhibition and a wander round before heading off to the beach for a laze, look at the sea and meet up with some other friends of ours that live there.  On a bit of a reconnaissance check a couple of days before, I’d discovered that, although the exhibition we wanted to see was open, the rest of the gallery was shut. ‘Fine’ my friend said, ‘let’s still go’, so we did.

We get there; the weather is great, not too hot, and not too cold.  We walked to the gallery and, although the exhibition was on, it wasn’t functioning (it was supposed to be cymbals, which you could ‘play’) as there was a conference going on and they didn’t want the sound to interfere. Hrumph!!  This isn’t good.  So I decide to find out about the Shell Grotto as haven’t been since The Boy was small; it’s open, we go, its fab!  Then back to the beach, later than anticipated, to meet up, briefly, with said local friends. What could have been a disastrous day turned out quite good. Phew!

Then Saturday I went off on my ownsie to Comic Con at Excel Centre, London!  Was so nice not to have to worry about anyone else’s stresses, anxieties, wants and not wants; I left home when I was ready, I did what I wanted to do, attended whatever talks I fancied and I came home when I was ready.  Lovely!

Sunday; I pretty much slept all day and caught up with telly in between snoozes.

Monday I should have woken up refreshed, but noooooooo!!  I’d had trouble getting to sleep Sunday night (fair enough as I’d slept off and on for most of the day) and I woke up at 6am!  Wide awake, but not really with it; mentally gone, but physically hyper active; so spent all day pottering about cleaning, washing, hanging said washing out to dry, dusting, sorting and catching up with the odd prog I didn’t manage to watch the day before.  Went to bed at a reasonable hour, for me, and slept well.

Expected to wake up feeling gooooooood; I didn’t!  Today I am still tired, but I’m not only mentally tired, I’m physically tired too; I could quite happily have the day at home doing a bit more tidying up, having a lovely soak in the bath and generally taking it easy.  I can’t!  It’s private trampolining for The Boy today and, because we are already out, it’ll be a trip to the library to return a book, Subway for late lunch, passport photos for me as I’m running out of time to get an ID card for Glasto and another trip into the bank to take money from The Boy’s book account to pay directly into my credit card as his telly blew yesterday.

Now I know that isn’t a lot, I know that, actually, that’s a pretty easy day, but I’m getting sick of it all.  I’m fed up with organising anything and everything, I’m totally stressing about money, I was stressed all yesterday in case he ‘blew’ his new telly because of some miss-wiring in his computer (he built it and so far all is well) and, because I’m stressed, my brain keeps returning to the dreaded renewal of DLA which still hasn’t dropped through my door yet! Aaargh! I’m beginning to feel like those kids at school that, by the middle of July, are just desperate for the term to end and the summer holidays to begin. I want it all to stop!

I’m wondering if I’m depressed again; symptoms like being tired, erratic sleeping, feeling brain dead, not wanting to face things, etc are here again.  But, I do want to go out, even if it is mainly by myself. I do want to get dressed and take care of myself so I don’t think I’m depressed.  I’m just anxious.  I’m just stressed.  Hence the title of this blog; Anxiety vs Depression: What’s the Difference?  I must look into it!

Cya

FEELING DISCONNECTED!

Hi all, sorry not written, it's been a weird couple of weeks with regard to the virtual world.  I avoided as much as I could the week after the election due to my total disbelief that the Torys got in and the subsequent panic attacks and depression that followed.  I wanted to distance myself from everyone's anger, posts, comments, worries and outrage as I was feeling very delicate myself and didn't want to spiral and I certainly didn't want to blog in that state as I felt I'd done all that already.

A few weeks on and there is still disbelief and outrage on places like Facebook, but I'm now in that state of mind that it's a bit like closing the gate after the horse has bolted.  I know all of those that are still raging didn't vote them in, but enough now please.  It's happened!  Apart from assasination and/or attempting to do our bit by signed petitions, there really isn't anything we can do about it now and, to be honest, assasination won't help as another bugger from the same party will just step up. We had our say and others voted wrongly, whether by choice or tactical voting, they are in and we have to deal with it.  So please, please stop posting.  Please, please can we have something more positive, something uplifting, something funny to brighten the dark days that we now have to endure for the next 5 years.  Yes, sorry to remind you, but we have 5 more years of this and I dread to think about what the state of this country will be in by the end of it.

I've withdrawn a bit for the moment.  I'm not in the mood to socialise and I'm trying desparately to get everything paid off or necessities bought before the dreaded day when my money will, probably, stop.  Perhaps I'm just practicing ;-)  I do have a few things with my son planned and I do have Glastonbury to look forward to, luckily paid now and, after kind donations at Xmas and up and coming birthday, I should have some spending money (even if it's only enough to feed myself and provide myself with tea), but I must admit that in my head, the calendar stops at the end of July.  After that I'm in no man's land with regard to plans, money, my son's education, etc.  Won't know until at least then if we are safe for another year or we're holed up indoors for the next however many until either he's old enough and confident enough and able to get himself a job and/or I am capable of finding one that fits in with my pain threshold.

STOP!  I'm off again and that isn't what I'm supposed to be doing.

Decided I'm just going to add some photos that cheer me up and start to do what I want other's to do - be a bit more positive.

My gorgeous kids and grandchild with The Gruffalo

A lucky spot whilst at Fort Horsted

Cheeky Chappy at Heligan

Me and my longest known mates at Hever

Pig!  Just because

Plate spinning (yes I really was)

Natural History Museum Butterflies

Sweet little things, cunningly hidden

Cya

LONG LIVE THE DOMESTIC CHIEF EXECUTIVE

After having done quite a few surveys over the last few weeks and having to go through the same initial process on each one where it asks age, sex (yes please), job status and salary, I’ve begun to wonder about how the status of Housewife (or worse, Not Working for any other Reason and please note it never says Househusband; come on guys, I’m beginning to think that they think lower of you than they do of us) should be renamed/reassessed.

Let’s face it, the world around us is constantly being renamed; benefits get called different things with each reassessment and government (amongst other things), pubs and clubs get renamed to try and attract better clientele (even though that rarely if ever works), even countries and cities get renamed (look at St Petersburg verses Leningrad), so isn’t it about time that the status of Housewife gets an overhaul.

In the 40s, 50s being a housewife was something that most women aspired to; admittedly it may have been their only choice as married women working wasn’t looked upon as being appropriate. 

Then we had the women’s liberation movement and suddenly it was ok for women to work (and get equal pay); we begun having a choice.  We could go to university, become business women, run our own corporation, even become prime minister; go us. 

But nowadays we don’t appear to have a choice, we are expected to work. To be honest we kind of have to if we are to maintain the lifestyle that we are supposed to want; a mortgage, holiday abroad, fast car, nannies or child-minders (what happened to raising your own child?), etc, etc.  ‘Housewife’ has become a dirty word, even amongst a lot of women.  I cannot count the amount of times a women has asked me what I do and when I’ve replied ‘I’m a mum and housewife’ has answered with a disdainful look and a sarcastic ‘really? Don’t you want a career?’

Actually, I have a career you stuck up cow!  I have a bloody hard career!  I’m responsible for part of the next generation; I’m raising it with the entire moral, rights and wrongs and behavioural lessons to teach that are required to live and work within the big wide world out there.  I manage a household; the day to day running, the finances, the comings and the goings.  I organise birthdays, Christmas’, holidays and days out and I'm responsible for paying them.  I sort out all the utilities, including the telephoning if there is a problem.  I also have the added responsibility of home educating (admittedly my choice although, with my son’s Asperger’s, school just didn’t work), so I organise timetables, project work, liaise with outside educational organisations, mark and assess work and speak to medical professionals about his needs.

In addition I have a life!  Amazingly I have a social life, with other women (and occasionally men) who have also chosen to recognise that the raising of their children and the running of their household is a career.

I’m a nurse, a teacher, a referee, a liaison officer, a secretary, a manager, a financial consultant, an accountant, a gardener, a cook, a shoulder to cry on, a moral and social mentor; the list goes on.

So, after all of this, I’m suggesting that we are no longer called housewives or househusbands, we are domestic managers; actually we are chief executives of our own business with as many ‘staff’ as we have partners and children and pets.

We have chosen this career!  It is an important career!  We have not chosen to pass our responsibilities of parenting or household running to others; we are doing it ourselves.

Do not look down on us!  We are Domestic Chief Executives!!  Ner!  Ya boo sucks to you and your ‘careers’ (although if that is your choice, fair play to you).

Long live the Domestic Chief Executive! Any chance of a raise?

Cya

EEEK! IT'S BEEN A MONTH AND I FEEL A BIT DIFFERENT

Hello all, I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything and I’m wondering if that is a good thing or a bad thing? Time just seems to be flying.

I admit, I’ve had some ups and some downs, but that is to be expected. I’ve also had quiet weeks and busy weeks; I can’t say whether one type of week has been better than another, because they haven’t, so I know that being at home being able to potter is no different from having to be out and about doing stuff. I do know that whatever is going on, it’s in my head and isn’t really in the world around me. At least I’m not paranoid, haha.

So how have I been? After going to Miranda, which was extremely funny although I secretly panicked about getting the train home on time, and going to see Russell Howard, which was hilarious although I secretly panicked about the seats we had due to them being high up and the ceiling in the Albert Hall is ‘miles’ away and my son hates both heights and high ceilings and the train journey home included packed tubes which my son also is a bit wary of, I had a couple of weeks of being reasonably quiet apart from feeding my daughter’s cats whilst she was away and going swimming with the kids (with me sitting on the side drinking tea).  I cancelled a few things during those weeks as I truly did not feel up to doing things especially evening things. In other words, during that couple of weeks I learnt to say NO! Well, I almost did as I still should have said no to a couple of other things but didn’t, but at least it was a start.

Then I had a week of, what seemed like, hell.  Actually it wasn’t as bad as that, but my brain was all over the place and I seemed to have one day of feeling great then a day of feeling crap where all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep.  I had friends round, went bowling with the kids, had two lots of trampoline lessons to take my son to and had his hair cut.  I ended up cancelling a night out as I was knackered and hot and really couldn’t be bothered to rush about getting myself some dinner, having a shower and then spending the next half hour standing in front of the wardrobe screaming in my head that I had nothing to wear.  I’d like to point out that I do have stuff to wear; I have clothes in my wardrobe.  I have a couple of pairs of trousers, several skirts, leggings, a few dresses and several tops, but I’m at that stage where I hate it all.  I’m disliking my body with its lumps, bumps (or should I say boulders when referring to a particular part(s) of my anatomy) and rolls and everything I put on makes me feel like a weeble; now showing my age and if no-one knows what a weeble is, I suggest you google it. I want to go out and buy new underwear and new clothes, but I don’t even think that would help as a) I have no money to do so anyway, b) I probably wouldn’t find anything I like, c) none of it would fit me properly, d) I’d look shit in it and e) I have no money anyway or have I already said that? So the week ended on the Friday with me curled up on the sofa and thinking ‘phew, got through another week and parts were ok and I survived the rest’.

Then on the Saturday I discovered a new hobby!  I went off to a friend’s house and had the most fun I’d had for ages.  I’d discovered crazy quilting!  Look it up, can’t be bothered to explain, but it’s fun, silly and a great way of using up scraps.  We were both like school girls discovering make up for the first time; squealing every time we put another bit in and ironed it flat.  It was stupid, but who cared; we were having fun and I loved it.  Since then, however, I haven’t managed to get onto the damn sewing machine to continue with it, but I will.

Last week was probably the busiest week so far and it wasn’t helped by the Bank Holiday as it meant He Who I Shall Not Continue To Name was off an extra day. Although he did use that extra day to continue to watch NCIS which he is trying to get up to date with me on (he’s on series 5, I’m on series 10), so between doing computer stuff I rewatched some of those; at least it wasn’t radio 5 Live.

Then it was Dockyard for Julia Donaldson Exhibition with son, daughter and granddaughter which was actually a rather lovely afternoon out with me falling asleep on the sofa pretty much as soon as I got home. Vikings at the British Museum with home ed friends which was also a good afternoon out with me, again, falling asleep on the sofa once home.  Trampolining and friends back for tea and cake and then a day off where I recovered some strength and chilled out a bit partly due to having a stonking headache and feeling shit.  Not a bad week emotionally, but I think I was just too tired to notice.  Tablets I’m taking seem to allow me to sleep all night, but I’m left waking up groggy and braindead in the morning, so it’s taking me longer to ‘get together’.

This week has been fantastic! Why? Well, it will be interesting to see how next week turns out. Why again? Two things!

1) I visited docs on Monday for update, we had a fab chat and I think I definitely got my 10mins worth of appointment.  We talked about my son’s transition to college even though it’s still a year away and about my worries about his DLA which also comes up for renewal in a year’s time. I know they are both a year away, but a year goes so quick and I’m concerned about both hugely.  If he doesn’t get his DLA and I lose my Carers Allowance, I have no idea what we will do financially.  I’m worried that PIP which is to replace DLA will not be as much or will be limited and I might still lose Carers.  I’m concerned about him going to college; not because I don’t think he could do the work, he could, but because of the situation, the people, the crowds, etc, but I’m also worried about what happens if he doesn’t get it.  I told my doc that I know that all people worry about this and their kids transition and he replied that ‘yes, they do, but you do have a bit extra to deal with than most’ which I actually found very reassuring and I wanted to give him a hug. Oh and he’s doubled my dose of tablets.

2) He Who I Will Not Name Again worked late shift this week.  It meant that, although he didn’t leave home until 9.15am, he didn’t GET home until 7.15pm.  It meant I had all day, ALL DAY, to do stuff and I did.  I baked, I cooked, I caught up with washing, I actually did some housework, I could stop and rest when I needed to rather than keep going and ending up in agony because I had a time limit, I washed up loads instead of leaving it to fester, I hung washing on the line, I went shopping and I still spent time with my son and took him to trampolining and had friends round and I also went out in one evening!  Yep, I managed to get myself out in the dark; admittedly only to the cinema where I obviously didn’t have to ‘dress up’, but still, it’s the first time I’ve wanted to go out in the evening for ages.  Woo Hoo.

So, I’m now up to date.  I’m on more tablets, but to be honest I feel better.  However, I don’t know whether that is tablets or the fact I’ve had so much more time to do stuff in this week.  As I’ve said, next week will be the decider as HWIWNN is back to earlies.

Cya

FRIDAY 4TH - THE GUILT DILEMMA

Firstly I'd like to say that I had a good day yesterday, even though I, once again, didn't get any sleep until gone 2am and then was awake at 6am!  Sun was shining, son's trampolining lesson went well and we had our usual friends back afterwards. Lots of tea and cake served and lots of chat.  Daughter and Granddaughter also visited so had a full house.  Was shattered afterwards and was determined to have an early night.  However, it was not to be and I ended up a little later, 12.30am, rather than the 11pm I'd planned.

Anyway, today I had plans to cook the base cake for a friend's son's birthday and to go shopping for the rest of the ingredients.  Hmmm, that didn't go according to plan as I woke up still shattered and with the worst back ache I'd had for weeks.  Decided that I wasn't going to go out and so had a bit of a laze with a couple of cups of tea before making the base cake (at least that got done).  Struggled to get the washing up done, but did it in two batches.

But I'm digressing as I was going to talk about guilt.

I had a bit of a wallowing self pity day the other day and since then I've been thinking about everyone else's problems which are far worse than mine.

For starters I have at least one friend who is looking out for an elderly relative.  Another who has poorly parents.  I have one friend who is recovering from cancer and another whose partner is contemplating having his foot removed as it isn't healing after 3 years of treatment.  I have several friends who have housing difficulties and lots more with money problems.  It appears that pretty much everyone has something in their lives which is causing trouble, pain, worry and stress, albeit at different levels.  So what gave me the right to whinge on the other day.  I had no right!  In the great plan of things my troubles are minor, some are even self inflicted or at least could be dealt with if I got off my mental arse and did something about it.

Then again, do I have a right to feel guilty?  I wasn't the one who made people poorly, I wasn't the one who caused money troubles and I'm not the landlord being a pig.  I've tried my best to be as supportive as I can to those that are having problems.  I might not being able to do anything more than offer a shoulder to cry on, a cup of tea and a slice of cake or just being on the other end of a text message or email.  I can do no more than I can do.  So, why do I feel guilty?  Why, even if I take out the wallowing, do I still feel guilty.

Does it stem from the fact that I feel inadequate?  Does it stem from the guilt that my mother installed in me whether deliberately or not (I was always to blame for the change in her marriage) or am I just a person who feels guilty even when I know I have no reason to be.  Is it something that is an emotional code in the brain and does it present itself more in some than in others?

On doing a bit of google searching I came across this which may or may not be helpful.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/guilt-the-crippling-emotion/000722

Whatever the reason, I do feel guilt; all the time.  I haven't done enough, I haven't spent enough time with my son/my daughter and I even feel guilty if my son has made more cups of tea than I have.  It's stupid, depleting and sometimes just plain ridiculous, but it happens!  Does anyone else feel the same or is it just me?

FEELING BLURGH

Ok, I'm now officially sick of feeling sick!

Felt a little queasy on Wednesday whilst I was out but put it down to lack of proper eating and drinking.  Was snacking on rather lovely things whilst looking at rather lovely things in shops in Brighton with Carol.  Got home, tired, but felt fine.

Then woke up yesterday feeling sick, dizzy and achy. Not a happy bunny as I can cope with pretty much anything poorly that me body can throw at me apart from feeling sick!  (Ok, migraine will knock me out, but in general I can cope with headaches, etc.)  It's one of those things where you want to do something about it, but every time you either eat something, drink something or possibly take something, you know it's going to make you feel sicker!  Grrrr.  So it was nibble here and there, drink here and there and fall asleep on sofa once and for rather a long time.

Oh well, hoped to feel better today, but NOOOOOOOO!!!!  Woke up feeling good, but then after having a cuppa and a couple of slices of gf toast, I felt sick again!  Been like it off and on all day and interspersed with that lovely queasy feeling, I've been feeling dizzy!  Don't know what it is, but wish it would go away!

Must admit, just watched the news and the Queen is suffering from gastro enteritis, so maybe I'm coming out in sympathy for the old girl.

Apart from that I've had rather a good time this week, plenty of chats with friends and a pretty good selection of TV to watch, a grand day out with another one due next week and a new book series to read.

However, no knitting as wrist is killing me (appointment made with docs in a couple of weeks!!!) and having been to osteopath, it hasn't improved; hence the doc appointment in case it's something a little more than strained muscles.

Had a 'surprise' couple of days with the other half being off - announce on Sunday last.  Pfft, great.  He's taken over kitchen and washing machine and totally buggered up the routine, but at least we had a lift today to hairdressers and shopping has now been done, so we have cupboards restocked and I'm not reduced to scrapping the bottom of the fridge for food for me.

Hoping to get some cooking done over weekend for the freezer, so I've got some quick meals in.  It took me just over 30 mins tonight to cook home made potato curry, rice and my own quick recipe of peshwari nan.  It took him 2 hours to cook burger and chips!!!  I admit his chips are from scratch, but the burgers aren't.  It never ceases to amaze me how long it takes him to cook something.

Hey ho!  Hopefully feel better tomorrow for my day in the kitchen, if I can kick him out of it that it, so I'll say cya later folks.

Cya

MUST BE THE WEATHER!

Hi all,

Feeling really bleurgh today. Not entirely sure why, hence me blaming the weather. It can't seem to make up its mind if it will rain or be sunny. One minute its dark, grey clouds and pouring it down and the next there is blue sky with fluffy white clouds and sunshine (quite warm sunshine too). The only constant is the wind and boy is it windy!!

Anyway, can't snap out of it. Even a walk up the High Street didn't do much good. Must admit Gillingham High Street isn't exactly life changing, but thought the fresh air and the sunshine (it was sunny at that point) might make me feel a bit better, but no, not really.

We've been busy this week trying to catch up on work ready for Callum's open day (see Callum's World) and I haven't been feeling 100% all week anyway. Have had sore throat, felt sick, yadda, yadda, yadda, so haven't really been in the mood. Well, I have, but intimitant - bit like the weather! Plus it was our last week with James for trampolining, will miss him, but hope he has a great time.

One of my friend's dog isn't well either and that has made me sad as he's a lovely old thing, really hope he gets better soon. Plus it has made me think of Draco, our dog, who is getting on a bit. He's becoming increasingly stiff and grumpy and lumps and bumps keep appearing. He currently has sticky eyes as well, although there is no redness and he isn't irritated by them; just means ensuring they are cleaned regularly. Have no idea how Callum (or any of us for that matter) will react when the day comes.

To add to the moans and groans, I'm skint! Really skint! Went overdrawn last month for the first time in five years and this month looks pretty tight too. We're trying desparately to remember to switch off all electric at night, etc, etc, but won't see any outcome of this until at least January next year which is quite disheartening, but needs to be done. On top of that we've now had a letter through saying that they will be fitting water meters in our road very soon. Aaaargh, more cost! Hoping that as Callum receives DLA and I get Carer's we can have it capped for a couple of years. That way at least my gas and electric should be reduced so I won't end up paying out too much more. But then, DLA and Carer's is all being reviewed by the government at the moment and, although I've been assured that Callum's DLA will continue until 2015, there is no guarentee that they won't change the rate. If he drops in rate, I'll lose Carer's which is quite a bit of money, which I need at the moment.

What is happening to money. When I first started receiving Carer's I could use it for things for me; haircuts, a little treat or saving, but now I have to add it to Phil's money to pay for the monthly bills. Callum's DLA, luckily, still pays for his home education and extras that he needs, but we are doing less trips and less treats and definitely don't have anything left at the end of the month to put into his savings account. If they cut it or stop it I have no idea what we'll do as I can't send him back to school, I don't want that for him or for us as I know we will be back to all the problems we had then and he was so unhappy.

Anyway, sorry for being on such a downer, but feel a bit better for writing it down. Let's hope things pick up over the weekend. To prove how bad it was, I didn't even fancy chocolate!! xx

Cya

WEIRDNESS!

Hmmm! Not sure if it's a phase or whether it's because I've been feeling a bit crap, but I have been having the weirdest of dreams this past week!!

Now, I'm not into dreams meaning something, but I do think it's the brain's way of filing away information and sorting out the rubbish from the important (the rubbish coming out in the dreams). Normally after a particularly odd one, I can relate people, places, incidents with recent real people, places, incidents even if they are a bit 'off', but the one's I've been having this week have completely thrown me!!

I've had a least two this past week which have concerned clones, my daughter, shoes and David Tennant!! Strange combination unless you see a Dr Who connection which is entirely plausible. Although I haven't been watching Dr Who recently and DT hasn't played him for a while, but it does seem that my brain has dragged something up from the dark recesses. The first one I had started with myself and Terri (my daughter) walking down to the Strand (our local beach area) and I kept seeing buildings that weren't supposed to be there (a pub, tattoo shop and a cafe) and strange people who all looked the same. Mr T then turned up out of the blue and told us to run (in the best Dr Who fashion), but Terri wouldn't as she was in heels and her flip flops, which were in her bag, didn't match her outfit (sorry Terri, wonder where that comes from - hehe). We ran into a cafe and sat drinking tea(!?!) while Mr T decided what we should do! End of dream one!

A couple of nights later, I had pretty much the same dream, although we were now in a shopping centre! All the shops were staffed by these clones and, again, Mr Tennant showed up and told us to run! This time Terri was already in flip flops so we ran down this corridor and outside, but we ended up on top of the building!!!?? Now I hate heights so this wasn't entirely a pleasant experience! Mr T was telling us to jump onto the other roof (I think that bit may have come from a book I'm reading), but I wouldn't do it! Terri and Mr T did and kept yelling at me to join them, but I still refused! So they jumped back and we ended up in a car which happened to be there and drove down and out of the building (the roof suddenly becoming a roof top car park! End of dream two!

Why my son wasn't in these dreams I've no idea and why we didn't get straight into the car in the second one seems a bit odd. I've gone over these two dreams but the only link I've got to real world is the roof jump reference in the book. Everything else seems totally random!

I had one last night with Sarah Jessica Parker in it!!!! It involved shoes (again) being stuck in sands (possible beach day yesterday, although no shoes involved). There were strange people in adjoining houses and they all wanted to get to these shoes and we (SJP and myself) had to stop them!!! There was flooding (possible recent news items) and lots of slimy plants (again I think that's from the book I'm reading), but it was all really weird!

I've had a couple of other similar type dreams; short, random and supernatural. Most have contained one of my children, but never both and none of them have made any sense whatsoever! None have been particularly scary; I haven't woken up feeling like I've had a nightmare, but I have felt a little unsettled!

I admit that I've been feeling very tired and run down this week and maybe that's why I've been having them. Any ideas on what clones represent or why shoes seemed to be a prominent feature (I can't remember any other item of clothing) would be gratefully received!

With regard to anything else this week, P did not go and sort out rubbish, but haven't had any dogs appearing at fence so that's good. I've been told that P will buy me a laptop when his inheritance comes through (his aunt died recently and the estate is being sorted), although I think I'd rather he spent any monies due on finishing up some of the house! And an old work colleague has been in touch (after almost 11yrs) and we've got together and had lunch, which is a good thing!

So a good, quiet week, but with very strange dreams!! Hmm, weird!!!

OMG! How long has it been since writing on here!! And I was doing so well too. Oh well, life does often get in the way doesn't it?

How am I? Ok, I think!

Had more problems with neighbour's dog recently so called in the local Council AGAIN!!! Got a new warden so had to explain everything all over again. However, he did arrive with a mate so two for the price of one. Isn't that a BOGOF deal? Well, I wish my neighbours would bog off!!! Anyway, they went round and 'had a word' and miracles of miracles the guy has removed the rubbish from up against the fence, so theoretically dogs/kids can no longer climb up and over my 6.5ft fence! Partner is, so he says, going to go round over weekend and offer to help remove the rubbish completely! I have visions of the kids pulling it all back so that they can climb up again, but trying to think positive. We've offered before, but nothing came of it. Hopefully this time he'll be a bit more insistent and Callum can start to enjoy the garden again!

What else? Well, bedroom ceiling had to be pulled down before it fell down!!! So house is basically covered in dust and now every room apart from Callum's is in a half state! Either there are bits missing in ceilings or it's chunks out of walls. Will be nice when finally finished, but I'm beginning to feel like that is never going to happen! Phil, my partner, has said that he will take a week off in September and get our bedroom finished completely!! Would be nice! Will be able to finally unpack my books and dragons after nearly two years of living here and have a nice room to chill out and sleep in! Only another 5 rooms to do after that! Eeek!

As to my state of mind. I'm going from manically depressed about house/dog/garden to 'wild thing' about the same! I'm trying to read about 6 books all at once, which probably isn't a good idea!?! And I suddenly remembered that I started knitting Callum a jumper months ago! As I'm such a slow knitter I better get on with it otherwise it'll be finished and he will have grown out of it!

Have decided also that I need a laptop! Callum has been in computer mode again, so getting on here is pretty rare and when I do it's normally a bit late, so I check my mail and FB and leave it (another reason blog isn't being done). Trying to write is quite hard when you're shattered and the computer chair is knackered, so I end up with back ache after any length of time. I really really want to write and not just my blogs. I've got about 3 stories on the go at the moment and really want to finish one of them and have a go at publishing it. But by the time it gets to about 10pm and I'm finally able to sit down at computer, I really don't feel like doing it. So laptop required! That way, when C is playing on computer I can sit in a comfy chair and tap away quite happily.

I can even do it in early evening while the rest of them are watching telly. Why don't I go on computer then I hear you ask? Well I have a strange obsession about not letting anyone read what I write until it's finished. Even these blogs (which are completely public) I don't like letting anyone read until done. So the fact that my computer is in the corner of a room that everyone has to walk through to get to the kitchen and screen is in full view makes me paranoid! Silly I know, but I hate the thought that they can look over my shoulder and read what I'm typing. So laptop is going to have to be the answer!! (I'm typing now because my son is upstairs playing with his best mate, so won't see them for ages, and my partner is at work!)

On the rest of the life front I'm still currently obsessed with you know who - haha! Hopefully now the series has finished I can wean myself off and find someone else - I'm such a fickle thing you know! However, I am (or rather we are) going to Earl's Court to see Top Gear Live in November (early xmas treat), so probably be a while. Plus I'm still tired, grumpy, getting older, home educating, knitting, reading, cooking, gardening, meeting new and wonderful people, seeing current and fab friends and generally enjoying myself. So it isn't all bad!

Cya

MID-LIFE CRISIS, RESPECT AND JEREMY CLARKSON

Right, I'm now a year older!!! Wiser I'm not so sure about; grumpier I'm positive about and definitely older! So what has been going through my head this week?

Well, to start with cars!!!! Now let me first inform you that I do not drive and I couldn't tell the difference between a Volvo and a Golf if you paid me. My normal description of a car is that it has 4 wheels, is big/small, is 3 door/5 door (yes I can tell that difference) and it's blue/green/white/black........you get the picture!! So why this week have I been thinking about cars? It may have something to do with Jeremy Clarkson, but then again it may not! I'm a little obsessed with Jeremy at the moment. It's my mate's fault; you know who you are (hehe)! She bought Phil two of his books for his birthday and one day, while bored and wanting something light to read, I picked one of them up and started reading. We are big fans of Top Gear in this house and I have to admit that Jezza makes me laugh and his books are even funnier! He is probably the most un PC person on the planet, but I find myself nodding in agreement to a lot of what he says even though I feel guilty for doing so and the way he writes is just genius! Anyway, after devouring both books in a matter of a week, I spotting in a local charity shop one of his others; this time about cars! I started to read with a little bit of trepidation as, remember I don't know anything about cars, I wasn't sure if I would enjoy it, but I did!!!! I loved it! It was still humourous and still full of his little rants and views on the world he inhabits, so I asked for another one for my birthday! I got 2!!!! Another World According To and a car one Driven to Distraction. I've already finished the World According To one and am about 1/4 way through the other. So my head is a little more car orientated than normal, but it still has not increased my understanding of cars at all. Which brings me onto the other reason I've been thinking about cars.

A friend of mine, who shall remain anonymous, has just bought herself a 2 seater sports car! What's the problem with that I hear you ask? Well, there are 3 of them in the household: herself, her partner and her son plus they have her partner's son every other weekend. Now, my uncarlike brain says why on earth would you buy a 2 seater car when you clearly need a minimum of 4 seats!? Her answer was that they rarely spent any time with all 4 of them in the car at the same time and that they could always use her partner's car if they needed to. Plus she wanted to be able to have a posh sporty car before she entered the world of senile dementia that she was so obviously heading for, now that she was nearing her 50s, and be unable to drive one! Good and fair point, but this got me thinking! Do woman now have the classic, if cliched, mid life crisis that men are supposed to have? You know the story; man hits middle age, goes out and buys the fastest, flashiest car he can find and runs off with his secretary who is half his age and has large breasts! It is terribly cliched, but not uncommon and you do see them driving around. Or do you? This was the problem; I don't! I've only ever seen them in television dramas or in glossy magazines where they end up looking, well, a bit of a prat!! So I've made a conscious effort this week to look out for flashy cars and to see who is driving them. I might have to re point out here that I know nothing about cars, so a flashy car to me could actually be a complete dumpster to a petrolhead, but on the look out I was. What were my findings? As I don't live in the most upmarket of places in the first place I only saw about 3 cars that I would possibly class as flashy and one of them was a pick up, so that one probably wouldn't even count! And who was driving these cars? All men; one woman, two men; no, all women! Yes, all 3 were driven by women! But that's not all, all 3 were driven by woman who were also blonde. All had enamelled fingernails that had sparkly trimmings. All looked pretty anorexic and only one, the one in the pick up, looked under 30 with a child in the back; the other 2 looking pretty much my age. I could be completely typecasting here but I swear that if I could have seen what they were wearing it would have been designer jeans and each would have had a designer (or at least of copy of a designer) handbag! Now, I'm not disrespecting my mate or, in fact, these other woman; at least I'm trying not to. How they live their lives is up to them and I dye my hair blonde now that it has turned salt&pepper grey and my original brown hair makes my face look washed out as my skin has gone paler as I've got older. Fair play to them if that is what they want to do and they can afford to do it. But, just as middle aged men in fast, flash cars with 'trinket' girlfriends look complete prats to me, these woman basically look like wannabe WAGs to me too! I just hope that they are not trying to relive their youth or, worse still, have a fear of getting old. Remember the phrase "mutton dressed as lamb", well now it seems it isn't just clothes, it's the car you drive as well but, I hate to say it, it still looks bad!! Sorry girls, my opinion only!! And I still love my friend dearly!

The other thing I've been thinking about is respect, or lack of it! My mum may not have wanted me or been the most loving or protective mother in the world, but she did teach me respect and I'm hoping that I've taught my kids the same (on reflection of what I've written above, I'm not being very respectful this week, but I did warn you that you might not always like what I'm thinking). However, this week I've noticed that there really isn't a great deal of it about nowadays. It all starts with dogs barking and ends in noise from neighbours!

I'm a dog owner/lover, in fact I love most animals, and even if a dog is launching itself at my fence with what can only been seen as a view to getting into my garden and ripping apart my child and dog (this has happened recently, but has now been resolved), I know it isn't the dog's fault, it's the owners. Although, saying that, I wouldn't think twice about grabbing the nearest item and beating the shite out of the animal should it have succeeded in it's mission. But back to the barking. I have several houses around me that own dogs and there is definitely 3 of them that consistently allow their dogs to continuously bark. If my dog barks, and obviously he does otherwise he wouldn't be a dog, I tell him to stop or I bring him indoors. I'd be mortified if I thought that anyone was sitting in their house/garden thinking "I wish they'd shut that bloody dog up!", but these owners obviously don't think like this at all. If fact, I don't think that they think much of their dogs either to be honest! A dog normally barks for 3 reasons: intruders, boredom or fear! Now if it is an intruder, surely you should be going to check it out; if it's boredom, then you aren't looking after your dog properly and if it's fear, you should again be checking it out. But these owners don't, so personally I'd like to go round and remove their dogs and rehome them in better homes, but I'm not allowed to do that so I have to put up with the barking.

The other is neighbour's noise and in particular DIY noise. The house next door to me has been sold and they are totally gutting and renovating it. I don't have a problem with this as it's something we need to do ourselves, but is it really necessary to start banging at 10.30pm? Yes, I said pm, not am! It has been known to be as late as 11pm before they start! Ok, I'll own up and say that it is rare and only once has it been 11pm and it normally is finished by 11pm, but even so. Are there not enough hours in the day already to get this sort of thing done? And the fact that they know that there is a child living next door really pisses me off (sorry)! It just comes back to respect; they haven't any! My worry is that, at the moment, they are not truely living at the house as it's pretty uninhabitable so what will it be like when they finally do move in permanently? Will I then have neighbours like my last lot that played European disco music (they were Polish as are these) really loud until God knows when! I truely hope not as I don't want to have to start another mini war. And that's another thing, why is it always crap music that's played really loudly. My next door neighbour but one was playing some excellent music the other week while out working in his garden, but I could only really hear it when the wind blew in the right direction; I was almost tempted to yell at him to turn it UP!!

Oh well, my rant is now over, my brain has been downloaded and possibly half the population has been ostracized, but I don't care as I'm off for one last cup of tea before going to bed! See you next week.