MUST BE THE WEATHER!

Hi all,

Feeling really bleurgh today. Not entirely sure why, hence me blaming the weather. It can't seem to make up its mind if it will rain or be sunny. One minute its dark, grey clouds and pouring it down and the next there is blue sky with fluffy white clouds and sunshine (quite warm sunshine too). The only constant is the wind and boy is it windy!!

Anyway, can't snap out of it. Even a walk up the High Street didn't do much good. Must admit Gillingham High Street isn't exactly life changing, but thought the fresh air and the sunshine (it was sunny at that point) might make me feel a bit better, but no, not really.

We've been busy this week trying to catch up on work ready for Callum's open day (see Callum's World) and I haven't been feeling 100% all week anyway. Have had sore throat, felt sick, yadda, yadda, yadda, so haven't really been in the mood. Well, I have, but intimitant - bit like the weather! Plus it was our last week with James for trampolining, will miss him, but hope he has a great time.

One of my friend's dog isn't well either and that has made me sad as he's a lovely old thing, really hope he gets better soon. Plus it has made me think of Draco, our dog, who is getting on a bit. He's becoming increasingly stiff and grumpy and lumps and bumps keep appearing. He currently has sticky eyes as well, although there is no redness and he isn't irritated by them; just means ensuring they are cleaned regularly. Have no idea how Callum (or any of us for that matter) will react when the day comes.

To add to the moans and groans, I'm skint! Really skint! Went overdrawn last month for the first time in five years and this month looks pretty tight too. We're trying desparately to remember to switch off all electric at night, etc, etc, but won't see any outcome of this until at least January next year which is quite disheartening, but needs to be done. On top of that we've now had a letter through saying that they will be fitting water meters in our road very soon. Aaaargh, more cost! Hoping that as Callum receives DLA and I get Carer's we can have it capped for a couple of years. That way at least my gas and electric should be reduced so I won't end up paying out too much more. But then, DLA and Carer's is all being reviewed by the government at the moment and, although I've been assured that Callum's DLA will continue until 2015, there is no guarentee that they won't change the rate. If he drops in rate, I'll lose Carer's which is quite a bit of money, which I need at the moment.

What is happening to money. When I first started receiving Carer's I could use it for things for me; haircuts, a little treat or saving, but now I have to add it to Phil's money to pay for the monthly bills. Callum's DLA, luckily, still pays for his home education and extras that he needs, but we are doing less trips and less treats and definitely don't have anything left at the end of the month to put into his savings account. If they cut it or stop it I have no idea what we'll do as I can't send him back to school, I don't want that for him or for us as I know we will be back to all the problems we had then and he was so unhappy.

Anyway, sorry for being on such a downer, but feel a bit better for writing it down. Let's hope things pick up over the weekend. To prove how bad it was, I didn't even fancy chocolate!! xx

Cya

I'M STILL STILL ALIVE - HAHA

Well, I haven't written anything in this blog for months!!! I don't think its because I haven't felt anything or been annoyed by anything or...you get the picture; I've just been really busy and really tired at the end of the day. It gets to 9pm and I'm to be found happily flopped in my pjs in front of the telly watching...crime programmes mostly!

Now I don't know what that says about me, but I like them. I like having a go at guessing the outcome, although the American ones, which is mainly what I've been watching lately, tell you the end almost before they start. I also like the sciencey bit! I have to say that the programmes I've been watching have been NCIS, Bones, Criminal Minds and Dark Blue. NCIS has its forensics as does Bones; Crimimal Minds is the pyschological side and Dark Blue...well actually I only watch Dark Blue so I can lust after Logan Marshall Green *embarrassed grin* - a girl has to have something to look forward to. Other progs have been Being Human - love a vampire me; Primeval - have watched from the beginning and do have a bit of a soft spot for the silliness and Andrew Lee Potts if I'm honest (again); Dr Who - who hasn't been? and a couple of comedy shows: Ideal and Family Guy.

The problem I now have is that THEY HAVE ALL FINISHED!!!!!!!! Well, Family Guy hasn't, but then that is on constant reruns anyway. My only saviour is that Top Gear started last week...aaah Jeremy Clarkson is back! Why does that happen, why do you get a season of stuff you really like watching and then they all finish about the same time and you are left with nothing. Do they really think that everyone is outdoors having BBQs or evenings in the pub or days out at the beach or even on holiday for the whole of the Summer? Well, I'm not!! For starters I couldn't afford it! Come on programmers, let's have something that takes us all through the year. Even Dr Who stopped half way through and isn't back until the Autumn. We are not America, BBC!! We want the whole series all in one go, thank you!

As to money or rather lack of it. Am I the only one who hasn't got any, I don't think so, but what the hell is happening to it? A couple of years ago the money I had got me through the month, saved for a little holiday and saved for Xmas, now I'm lucky if it gets me through the month! Last month I went overdrawn for the first time in five years!!! I know that there is a recesssion, but this is ridiculous! I'm using my credit card for essentials and it's got to stop. Callum, stop growing!

On a lighter note, my leg has improved to the point where I'm actually getting out into the garden and digging! Yes, digging!! Thank you beautiful Osteopath!!! This means that my garden is finally getting somewhere. It will be a long and slow process, but at least I feel like it isn't a lost cause. Have got another bed dug over and planted which is fab! We've also decided that, due to time and the stupid Council putting in parking restrictions, we are going to have to give up our allotment. This will mean utilising the garden for not only my wildlife, woodland, pond and herb areas, but for also growing some vegetables and fruit. Callum doesn't use the garden loads, so I'm sure that if marked out properly he will still have plenty of room to play and I will be able to have plenty of room to plant. May have to rethink some areas, but it isn't impossible.

Anyway, that's about all I can think of at the moment. Been pretty busy this week with Callum catching up on project work and I can hear the sofa calling me very faintly in the distance. 9pm isn't far away, although what the hell I'll watch I don't know, maybe Alan Titchmarch on C4+1 and then a movie.

Cyas

DREAMS - WHAT ARE THEY?

Okay, Mother’s Day today, so happy mother’s day to you all and I hope you have all had a good one!

I know that many of you out there will have spent your day with your family and mothers, grandmothers and possibly great grandmothers, but I had a perfectly quiet afternoon in front of the DVD player. My son and partner were in the house, but they left me alone. They know I love my movies and, because of home edding, it’s rare to be able to watch movies at a reasonable hour and to be able to watch ANY movie I like.

I had a film fest last Saturday when Callum went off to his friend’s and Phil pottered about the house and it was wonderful. So, when asked what I’d like, I replied “another movie afternoon please”. I know that neither Phil or Callum (or us as a whole to be honest) have a lot of money, so I didn’t want loads of things bought that would have cost a lot and I’d probably never use. My daughter bought me a fresh supply of skincare from Clinique which was ab fab as that is very expensive and I love the stuff. So thank you very much Terri. But as to P and C, I asked for a peaceful afternoon.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my partner and my son and I love home educating him and having him around, but the joy of spending some me time is a wonderful luxury too.

So, last week, I had an assassin weekend with Hitman and Leon with a bit of Lock Stock thrown in at the end. This weekend I fancied pure escape and went for alternative reality. Starting with Inception and followed by The Matrix. I do have a bit of a thing for this type of movie. I love the questions they raise; that whole “could this be real and reality not real” kind of thing. I’m not a great fan of Matrix 2 and 3, but the original is brilliant.

So, the questions are: has anyone had a dream within a dream? Also what is déjà vu? And do other people have dreams that are so real that they seem like an alternative life? If so, do you miss them when you awake?

I’ll answer them from my point of view in the order above.

Yes, I have had a dream within a dream and it was bloody freaky to be honest! I can’t remember what the original dream was about, but I know it was scary and I woke up! I turned over and said to my then boyfriend that I’d just had a bad dream and he turned to face me and started talking in this really awful voice, like he was possessed. I then woke up for real! I’ve never had one since and I never want to, but it was rather disturbing at the time.

What is déjà vu? Actually I can’t answer that one as I haven’t the foggiest, but I do remember having a very distinct case of it when on a school trip to the Cotswolds. I felt like I’d been down the street we were on before and I knew that there was a certain shop in the next one, but I also knew that I’d never been to the Cotswolds before. However, round the corner, there was the shop! Was that déjà vu or just luck or a case of previous life experience or a glitch in the matrix? I don’t know but it was very, very weird!

As to dreams being so real that they seem like alternative lives, I have those often. Consecutive dreams, like serial dreams, but a bit more disjointed and sometimes repeated. But they are very real. I can almost go into a dream from where I left off, but, as mentioned in Inception, I can’t remember where the dream originally starts from. It does always appear to be bang in the middle.
I rather like these dreams. They are escapist dreams; dreams where, even though everything might not be perfect, it is always resolvable, always ends up right. I’ve had extreme arguments and fights in these dreams, but they always turn out ok. Life is often extreme in them. Maybe they are moments that I’ve missed out on and my mind replays what might have happened. Some are completely bizarre and never make sense at all when awake, but make perfect sense whilst dreaming. And do I miss them when awake? Hell, yeah! I love dreaming! I love my life, but I love dreaming just as much. In fact, I love sleeping, haha.

Does that make me a bad person? I don’t think so. I think it makes me a patient person and probably keeps me sane (although some of you reading this might now think I’m completely mental). No matter what life throws at me, and believe me it can throw hard sometimes, I always know that at the end of the day the dreams will be waiting. I’ve solved problems in my dreams, I’ve had ideas and breakthroughs in my dreams and that has helped in the real world. And when all is said and done, who’s to say that the dreams aren’t real and this ‘awake’ life isn’t!

Happy dreaming!

Cya

TIME FOR A RANT!! SORRY!

Ok, I'm back! Was supposed to be going to an old work chum's house tonight to catch up and have a chat, but some imbecile/s decided to burglar her home today! Ransacked upstairs and took her jewellery and credit cards. Were obviously opportunists as they left the big stuff like XBox, TV, etc, not that that is any consolation!!

What is it with these people? What is it with this town? I received the free paper through the door this evening (News) and read through it while having a cuppa earlier on (before I knew about my friend).

The front page had a story about a man who'd run over a 10 yr old while drunk! He had his own 2 kids in the car with him, not strapped in, and was doing the school run!! Luckily the kid only suffered a broken foot, but that's beside the point! His excuse for drink driving: he was separated from his wife because she had been unfaithful and she'd asked for a divorce that day! Okay, I, perhaps, should feel sorry for him, but I don't!! If my partner had been 'unfaithful', I'd be bloody pissed off, not depressed. I'd be glad to see the back of him, not drowning my sorrows! AND, I would still have the decency to realise that I still had my kids to look after and be responsible for. Not only could he have killed the kid, but both his own too! Was she really, honestly worth that! I don't think anyone is!

Page 2 contained a story about a historic pub being burned down. It didn't mention arson, but buildings rarely spontaneously combust!

Page 3 had two stories. One about a man who'd threatened his wife (who'd left him) with a samurai sword and on his son-in-law managing to wrestle the sword away from him (the paper's words, not mine) he proceeded to say that he would be back to kill her with a shotgun!!! Another was about a 21yr old male who set light to a 14yr old schoolboy, hair and clothes, because he allegedly was after his iPod!

Page 4 there is a story about 2 men attacking someone in their own back garden. The victim's garden, not the assailant’s.

Page 5 is a story about conmen targeting the elderly.

Page 6 a story about a football supporter who caused trouble on a homeward bound bus being fined £80.

Page 7: Thieves stole £80,000 (yes you read that right) of heavy duty construction machinery.

Page 8: A landlord accused of fly tipping his tenant's possessions and a heroin addict being convicted of drugs possession.

Page 9: A school bus driver having intimate relations with a 13yr old girl (no details, but you get the idea) AND another heroin dealer being jailed.

Page 11 (page 10 was a full page advert), owner of dog who attacked kid is found guilty of having a Staffordshire Bull Terrier out of control.

Page 14: Two more stories - one man who broke into houses and stole handbags and jewellery and one about a woman who seems to have £8,000 which she cannot account for.

Beyond this the paper contains more ads, car pages, house pages and the classified section followed by the sports bits.

Looking over this, anyone would think we live in London or Birmingham or any other of the big cities, but we don't! The paper covers Chatham, Rochester, Gillingham, Rainham and Strood and you can walk from one end, Rainham, to the other, Strood, easily in a less than a day (to be honest you could probably do it in an afternoon). And this was the free paper; lord alone knows what's in the paying copy!

I've lived here all my life and I know it has always had its 'bad areas', everywhere does, but, and maybe it's because I'm getting old, it seems to be worse now than ever and it seems to be everywhere.

No-one has any respect for anyone else or anyone else's property. It seems now that whatever you want, you just go and take. If you want to get drunk and shout abuse at people, that's ok. If you want to walk around with dogs off leads that have lockjaw and you haven't trained them to do anything but breed or dogfight, that's ok too! And if your idiotic partner wants to spread themselves around, then it's ok for you to get blindingly drunk and then drive your kids to school!!

Oh well, I've had my rant, I'm off now to get blindingly drunk, shout abuse at my neighbours and set my dog on their cats. But that's all ok apparently!!

Cya

PS: Not really!! xxxx

PPS: Don't know what's happening with the formatting on this blog - but it's playing up big time!! Grrrrrr

5.30AM IS PRETTY, BUT NOT WHAT I WANT TO SEE

Well I can't sleep again!!! Don't know what is wrong with me, I'm normally the world's best sleeper, if patchy! Been back on the sofa this week as Phil bashing the bathroom to bits and the dust, etc, gets onto my chest and I wheeze all night! I experimented with sleeping on the sofa last time and found it comfy, so now that's what I do when he takes a week off to DIY.

However, this week I've not been able to sleep as well. Been snuggling down about 11pm (which is a little early for me) and going off to sleep fine, but then I'm waking up about 3am and I'm wide awake!!!! It's not daylight as that isn't happening until now, as I write, so I have no idea why! Some nights I've just played on my DS for an hour and managed to get back to sleep, but I'm still waking at 7.30am! I'm never awake at 7.30am! The other night I slept for about 4hrs, was awake for 2hrs, slept for a further 2.5hrs and was then awake! It's driving me mad!

I've been really busy too. Been attempting to keep house dust free downstairs, been out and about and been working in the garden, so I should be knackered! But NO!

I gave up this morning after being awake at 3.30am and tossing and turning until 4.30! I got up and made a cuppa and checked out Facebook which is a bit quiet at that time of day needless to say, but got my games done, haha. Am now watching the sun come up outside while typing this and wondering whether it's worth going back to see if I can get some sleep! I have so much to do today that it probably isn't worth it as I know I'll feel worse later, but I'm visiting a friend this afternoon and don't want to end up dozing off on her!

So, what to do next! Can't put the washing on as my machine is on it's way out and is extremely noisy and can't tidy up either as that's too noisy and I don't want Callum up just yet! Might go watch TV on low, might read my book, might do something else, but I have at least 2 more hrs to kill before C is up and about and that seems like a really long time to be doing 'nothing'!

Oh well, let's go put the kettle on again and see if I can get inspired! At least with the daylight arriving I no longer have to walk around the house with a torch, haha.

Cya

I'M STILL ALIVE!!!

Hello all, well those that might still be reading/waiting for a post!

I am still alive, I just haven't really a) had time, b) had the inclination and c) had a computer that wasn't playing up!!!

Anyway, I'm back now! Have new computer which has taken me a few weeks to find my way around and at least another week to find all my favourties again. But I've got/am getting there!

What has been happening? Well, January we were all ill!! And I mean we were ill. I had the worst cold I've ever had. Lasted weeks and I felt soooo drained, all I wanted to do was curl up on the sofa and sleep. I ended up going to the docs, which I never do for a cold, but he only said 'rest, drink fluids and if not cleared in a couple of days, we'll do a blood test'. Well a couple of days went by and I started to feel ok, then a couple of days later I felt crap again and this went over for another couple of weeks. Needless to say I couldn't be bothered to go back to docs and just let nature take its course. Callum wasn't brilliant either, but he wasn't as bad. But now has had a cough for about two weeks. And as all the adverts on billboards are saying after 3 weeks, go see a doc, that's what I'll be doing if there is no improvement by next Friday. Luckily he seems ok in himself, just gets very tired!

On the plus side, my bedroom walls have been knocked back to brickwork and replastered so the evidence of turning 2 beds and a corridor back into a 1 large bedroom is not there and I don't have a gaping hole at the fireplace! New ceiling, but not plastered. AND P has started on the bathroom as well (which is off the bedroom), so now have old toilet, old bath, no sink and 1 wall half tiled + new ceiling (insulated) which has been plastered! Go Phil!!!!! ;-)

AND, yes there is another 'and', I've been out in the garden and making a start on getting it sorted out AGAIN!! As there is now no longer a dog trying to gain access to the garden and kill everyone (actually there is nothing at the moment, which is still a little daunting) I can hopefully enjoy my garden and get it to how I want! The aim is a nice peaceful oasis for medicinal plants and wildlife encouraging plants too with a small pond and stream if I'm lucky! Will take a while as I want trees too, but am not aiming to move in the near future unless I get surrounded by unsavouries that is!

The only other thing I've done and this was a bit mouth before brain! I've joined a Crafters Group and am now committed to make 5 things for 5 people before end October. Now that seems ok, but I haven't done any major crafting for ages, so it could be interesting and I could end up running about like a headless chicken at the beginning of October with nothing done! Hey ho, that'll teach me! Especially as I'm already knitting a jumper for my daughter!

Right, that's all I'm doing today! I just wanted to catch up and fill in the gaps. Am hoping that now I'm back on here I can do some more regular posts, but I've said that before without success, hehe!

Cya

BAH HUMBUG (OR THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST)

Hi, hopefully this is just a quick one, but who knows with me - haha.

Been so busy with the run up to Christmas and general stuff that I haven't posted anything for ages. But then again, haven't really had much I've wanted to write about to be honest.

Anyway, Christmas is now over for another year and I'm already starting on next year's in the sales. Like to see if I can get some decent birthday presents in them too. So 1/2 doz birthday presents are now done and about the same of Christmas 2011, plus all the cards and wrapping paper bought too! One satisfied and rather smug lady later curled up on sofa with a glass of fizz!

Anyway, back to thoughts. Does anyone else feel that there is loads of hard work, planning, organising, stress, cooking, build up and whatever else you can think of in the run up to Christmas (which I may add takes me months as I make all the cakes, puddings, etc too) and then the day is over in, well, minutes really. Once the kids have opened their presents and dinner is eaten, it kind of feels a bit flat! And by Boxing Day I'm ready to take down the decorations, put away the presents and get back to normal.

Some may argue that it's because I'm not religious so I don't 'get' the meaning of Christmas, but that's, well, pants really. I do Winter Solstice on 21st/22nd December, so I've done my 'religious' bit a few days beforehand. And, even though I'm not religious in the Christian sense of the word, I do like a good carol service. I did my Shoeboxes for Charity, but they are delivered in late November, so that doesn't add to my Xmassy feeling either. I always have people round (we had 6 for dinner this year) and I did the trampolining group Xmas party, so I feel that I've done the entertaining bit as well and my son has managed to get pretty much all of what was on his list (admittedly his list isn't that long in comparison to a lot of kids and I always buy him a couple of extra bits on top - I do mean a couple too, not dozens more), so he's been catered for and is extremely happy. But me, I'm just not that into it any more. This year I didn't get any Christmassy fuzzy feeling until Christmas Eve and that had all gone by about 7.30pm on Christmas Day. Am I becoming Scrooge in my old age?

I would dearly love to be able to leave everything to the last minute; stick the decorations up Christmas Eve (or maybe 21st December as I have a real tree anyway, so would fit in nicely with the Solstice) and rush around like a headless chicken for the two days and then chill out in preparation for New Year, but I know I can't do that. Even now, with months of organising, I still have the last week stress attack. Perhaps that's the problem. Christmas has become too much for me! Some would say it's because it's too commercial nowadays. Some, ie my partner, say I expect too much of myself in the search for the perfect day. Some would say that the kids expect too much and therefore there is too much strain on the wallet.

However, I have another theory! I honestly believe that Christmas is for children and children only. I used to adore Christmas when I was little. It was the same every year. Up early(ish) on the day with my stocking in my bedroom (Callum still has that now), then presents downstairs before going to my Aunt's house for dinner and more presents. Then Boxing Day my other 2 Aunts would come to us for tea. I loved it! But now, looking back, I can see that for my parents and especially my mum it would have been a nightmare of stress, organising, travelling, present buying, food shopping, etc, etc. In other words exactly like my Christmases are now!

I used to always go to my mum's for Christmas or she and dad would come to me. Once I had my daughter that stopped as I wanted Christmas Day just for us as a family without having to drag my daughter away from her toys on the Day. I then saw mum and dad on Boxing Day. I thought my mum would be upset, but I remember her saying that she was pleased and that now she could dispense with all the hassle. When my dad died, she went one step further and decorated her pot plant rather than a tree and had burgers and chips for dinner because that was her favourite. At the time it seemed weird, but now I can totally see her point. Can you?

Christmas is great when you are little; when presents appear from nowhere and people arrive to eat, drink and be merry. It's great when you are in your teens when you can go out with your mates, buy them drinks instead of presents and crawl, hungover, to mum's on the day. But when you are a parent, especially as you get older, it becomes more and more like hard work and less and less enjoyable.

Don't get me wrong, I still love Christmas. Honest, I do! I love watching people open their presents; I love giving people food and having their company, but that enjoyment is shorter lived now. It is the day and the day only. The time before is stressful and the time after is seen through an exhausted haze, but I wouldn't change it. I'm just wondering if I'm the only one. Bah Humbug!