2017! WHAT THE F...? OH I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!

Frosty Leaves

Finally, the new year is here!  It's been months since I posted but, to be honest, after the whole PIP debunkle, I 'shut down' for a month and concentrated on the festive season and having a 'brain holiday'.

The year has started all good.  PIP, which we won at the higher rate (which I wasn't expecting), has now started to be paid in and ESA is coming in too.  I've renewed his bus pass and regained his CEA card (Cinema card to those not in the know - holder pays and carer goes free).  I've now reapplied for my Carers Allowance even though I have a part time job just because I'm sodding entitled and if they hadn't been such arse breaths about the whole thing I probably wouldn't have bothered as I'm getting Carers Credit, which means my National Insurance is at least getting paid even though I'm not actually receiving any money, plus my wages are so low I'm not paying any through that.  So I, theoretically, can breathe for a couple of years as court over-rode the decision and awarded it until he is 21; he's currently 17, 18 in June.

So what are we going to do with this new found 'wealth'?  Well, apart from having to use it to get food as my partner's current job doesn't pay as much as the old one did and they seem to have cocked up last month's wages, although he hasn't tried to sort it out; he just cut my money by £200 this month instead!!! So the old adage of 'give in one hand, take from the other' seems to still be in existence.

What we have done, however, is sign him up for his online BTech and I've joined Ancestry so I can finally spend some time researching my family tree; been meaning to do it for years, but just never got round to it.  I'm also sending my DNA off to see where in the world I originate from.  Some will say "NOOOOOOO!! They now have your DNA on record!", but to be honest I don't care as if they wanted it they would probably already have it along with my fingerprints and any other identity proving methods such as skin cells and probably stool samples.  Let's face it, there is enough online information and CCTV footage of and about pretty much everyone that nothing feels secret or sacred anymore.

I also want to sort out his provisional driving license so he can have driving lessons and I want to sort out passports even though we probably won't be able to afford to travel abroad even if we are allowed too under the Brexit regime.  Although the way things are going we won't be leaving anyway as it's now gone to a parliamentary vote before they can/will invoke Article 50 (or at least that's the way I'm reading it; not taking a great deal of notice of worldly affairs at the moment because it's suddenly gone a little loopy drawers and I'd rather not know; *sticks fingers in ears and skips along the road singing 'la la la la la'*).  But, to be honest, I think Europe will still kick us to the kerb anyway just for being arrogant enough to want to leave in the first place.

I could probably do with replacing the washing machine as the door lock is getting temperamental, the tumble dryer squeaks like a dying rat and the fan in my range cooker has to be 'spun' with a skewer to get it going, but they are 'things' and I don't want to replace 'things' even though I know that one day the whole lot will got phut and I'll be sobbing into my cuppa.  I want to do long term things with it like sorting out passports, doing something fun, maybe even have a holiday (been 4 years since we had one of those and then it was only a 5 day break on a Haven site; hardly 'holiday of a lifetime' stuff) and, of course, squirrel some cash away for a rainy day (mainly for my son as most of it is actually his money, not mine so always feel hugely guilty if I spend it on anything but something for him).

I'm also hibernating a bit as I really can't be arsed with going out and being sociable; the best I can summon up the energy for is a cuppa in a cafe, a night round someone's house flopping on their sofa instead of mine or losing myself in a movie at the flicks.  Have done a couple of family things, but nothing major and I'm preferring to be at home having a bit of a clear out or sitting with a pen and paper making plans that I probably won't get round to, but at least I've thought about.  I have popped out into the garden to take some frosty photos and to have a peruse at what veggies are left to eat and to look in disgust at the small salad plot that has somehow turned into a neighbouring cat's litter box.  However, all will change once the fear of frost is over and I can go out and have a proper tidy up and cut back and begin to sow.  Beware cat!  I know who you are!!

So, that's a quick(ish) run down of 2017 so far and I'm sure this wonderful time of calm, contemplation and general laziness won't last and I'll be back to my normal ranty, irritated and generally disgruntled self before long.

Cya

Frosty Web

CAN WE HAVE A 'DON'T CARE' BOX?

Let me start by saying that this is not about whether we should stay or leave the EU.  I’m still on the fence and probably will be until the day.  Why? Well, so far, no-one has come up with a strong enough reason for me to decide either way and, to be honest, I don’t think they will.  I really don’t think that it matters one way or the other for people like me, but then that’s because, to most people, I’m probably thick.

Let me explain.

When I was 17 I had left school, albeit with 5, now archaic, O levels and had had two jobs and was heading to college.  Now, thinking about it, that is pretty impressive.  One of those jobs, admittedly, was working in a café; one was working with the Ministry of Defence.  I left the first job and went straight to the other and when I left that one (and in both cases I left, I was not dismissed) I pretty much took the summer off and then went into college to do my typing and shorthand (typing I still use regularly, shorthand I have now completely forgotten). 

My point is that my son, who has reached 17 today, is not in a world where that would happen.  Jobs aren’t there and no-one appears to want to employ a 16 – 18 year olds unless it’s on zero hours and pittance money, ie, they can only work if they allow the bosses to screw them over and woe betide they choose to leave a job; if they did they’d be tarred for life.  Even if they do manage to find a job that they want to apply for, why is it that nowadays they expect you to have a degree in rocket science just to work in McDonalds!  Two jobs that I left went on to employ people with degrees and yet they had employed me with my scrappy English Lit, English Lang, Maths and Combined Science O levels (Grade C in all but Maths which was a B).  How can employers justify this; I didn’t even have an A level let alone a degree and I did the job just fine.

Needless to say that I find the worker’s rights (ahem, we used to have unions for that until the Gov closed the majority of them down) and free movement of employment a bit of a pointless argument.  If my son can’t get a job here, then what makes you think he’d find one abroad.

And whilst on the subject of free movement of employment in Europe; are we saying that before the EU no-one worked abroad?  I’m pretty sure people still did go abroad and work; take a look at the Victorians, they were bloody everywhere (ok, some of you might be screaming ‘EMPIRE’ at me now).  And I know one of my friend’s dads used to work in Bahrain.

Plus……we also work, emigrate and travel to countries that aren’t in the EU; we have done so in the past and we still do.  I know of a family that, a few years ago, emigrated to Canada. Someone else spent almost a year working in Australia.  Neither are part of the EU, but do have the advantage of no language barrier.  Personally if I was going to up sticks and move, it would be to somewhere where I could understand what was going on around me and that would mean applying, filling in paperwork and all that other stuff you have to do to get into one of those English speaking countries, but, do you know what, I’d prefer to do that (not because I'm racist, but because I can't be bothered to learn a new language).

This brings me to the argument of free travel, as in freely without passports, visas, etc, not FREE travel. This has been another argument to stay.  Really?  Are we really that lazy that we can’t be bothered to fill in some forms?  Of course we’re not otherwise thousands wouldn’t holiday in Florida or New York or Brazil or Australia or China.  If we want to visit a place and spend time there, we’ll make the effort.  We might have to be a bit more organised and it might take a bit longer but we’d do it.  I visited Russia before Glasnost, it was a pain in the arse and some of the inflight aeroplanes looked like they were held together with safety pins, but I went!  I went because it was a beautiful country, even with the armed police on every street corner. It had some amazing people.  One in particular that will always stay in my mind is the lady that looked after our carriage on the overnight train we took. She couldn’t speak a word of English but allowed us to sit in her little cabin and shared her ‘lunch’ with us while we shared what we had, which was basically wine and chocolate; she was awesome!

So, so far the arguments for employment and travel haven’t swayed me to stay.  Neither have they swayed me to leave.

What else?  Oh yes, the EU can keep an eye on our Government!  As in it can protect us from stupid decisions!  Really?  Erm, I site Bedroom Tax, refused PIP for the most vulnerable of our society, lack of pensions and the fact that our Gov has temporary (as in permanently because we, the public, will more than likely forget and it’ll stay in place) lifted the ban on the use of neonicotinoid pesticides (which some say is killing our bees).  Has the EU stepped in? No!  The UN did, briefly, over the treatment of the disabled, but that seems to have died a death (as have many disabled people who have been refused PIP and decided that committing suicide was more preferably than slowly starving to death).  So, to me, on the things that truly matter to me, the ‘man’ on the street, they have done bugger all to keep our Gov in check.

People have mentioned trade to me and if we leave we’d probably lose our car production factories as they belong to China and they won’t want to pay the taxes.  This would also mean we would have to pay more for our tech.  Well, I don’t drive, so I’m not bothered about getting a car and I’m sorry, but paying a bit more for tech wouldn’t be a bad thing.  It might stop the throwaway society that we currently have.  You know the one where everything is still working perfectly, but we chuck it away just because there is a new one in a different colour. FFS!  So, nope, trade isn’t doing it for me either.

On reflection, since 1973 when I was just 10 and couldn’t vote and wouldn’t have understood the impact that joining would have as I was outside climbing trees, pretending my bicycle was a horse (including tying a rope to the handlebars and riding it like that – health and safety anyone?) and scrumping apples from the farm down the road (that, by the way, isn’t there anymore and is a housing estate instead), I haven’t actually seen an improvement in this country.  Like I’ve already said, I could walk from one job to another and continued to do that even after college had finished and there always seemed to be a choice of jobs I could apply for unlike today. People still travel to places with or without the need for paperwork.  The NHS is still there, although you might have to wait six months to a year for an operation in which time you could have died. We don’t have a state pension to look forward to or, if we do, it will mean we have to choose between heating and food.  We have foodbanks everywhere which we never had before.  We used to have university grants, now they are thinking of stopping them; bad enough that we are currently supposed to pay them back!  What happened to education being free? The list goes on, but so am I so I want to wind this down.

I’m not saying that leaving with make things better and I’m not saying that staying will either (as it appears that it hasn’t done much being in so far) and I’m not sure if the downturn in our predicament isn’t just the fallout from Maggie’s money obsessed government (that’s another story) rather than the fact we joined the EU.  To be honest, I’m currently more interested in having a government of our own that I trust and respect rather than belonging to someone else’s over-lording one.  I personally couldn’t give a flying fig about Brussels and what they are up to when our own Gov is driving people into an early grave.  But, I suppose I have to as it’s my son’s future, not mine, that I need to be worried about.

Perhaps, as in general elections there should be a box with ‘none of the above’ next to it, there should be a box with ‘don’t care as it makes diddly squat difference to me’ next to it for the EU referendum.  I can see me, unless someone comes up with a corking argument, going eeny, meeny, miney, mo on the 23^rd.

THINKING ABOUT FAITH IS A LOT HARDER THAN YOU THINK

I’m having one of those days today.  I should be doing x, y and z, but I'm not in the mood, so I'm trying to do a, b and c instead.  And that isn't working out to brilliantly either.

I should be making fudge for partner’s birthday on Sunday; I say I should be making it, but really I should be helping my son make it, but neither of us is in the mood.

I should be sewing something for my daughter's birthday on Tuesday, but that isn't working out too well either as I need to go and get a couple of bits and I can't be bothered to get dressed.  Obviously in a lazy mood today although did run down to the post box earlier in my pjs as I had a form that desperately needed posting (it should have got there today rather than being posted today).  Luckily post box is less than 100 yards from the house.

So, after deciding that the above two things won't get done today, I turned to the other stuff.  The form, as I've said, got done and posted.  The urgent bill got paid, although I'm surprised as my bank account is rather heavily overdrawn at the moment; thank goodness for overdraft facilities. The washing got done, although now I have to bung it in the tumble dryer as it's a bit late to get it outside and even if it wasn't, it's been raining.  The last thing I should be doing and I am trying to do is my homework.

"What homework?" I hear you say.

Well, I have had a book called A Witch Alone for years.  I've dipped in and out of it, checking and researching information, but I've never read it from cover to cover and never followed it as it should be followed. It's basically a practical guide to being a Hedgewitch and has lunar monthly chapters with reading, exercises and research to do.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Witch-Alone-Thirteen-Master-Natural/dp/0007133235/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1424447199&sr=1-1&keywords=a+witch+alone

http://hedgewitchforest.com/

I've been wanting to do it since I bought it and have finally decided that this year was the year to start.  January's went well and I've got rather a lot of info printed up and I enjoyed it, but this month, I'm struggling. 

This month is all about The Goddess and her consort The God.  I'm supposed to consider what it means to have a Goddess and a God with many forms, also to read and think about religious experience and how it has affected me in the past. Plus I'm supposed to divide a page and list attributes, symbols or titles for each; matching as I go if I can.  There are a couple of other things that are mainly reading and research and that isn't too bad, neither is the list of attributes, but the bit about religious experience and how it has affected me is, how shall we say, really hard.

I was brought up Christian, by Sunday school teacher parents and, although they never made me go to church as I grew older, I certainly had to go as a child.  Religion then and does still have issues for me. 

I always felt that there was something missing, something unsaid, something hidden and as I've got older I'm even more suspect of religions. The more research I do, the more I found out about missing books, texts, different translations, etc, the more suspicious I get.  I’m not a lover of rules and rituals as they seem so 'man'made rather than 'god'made and to discover that a lot of woman have been removed from religious text or condemned as evil reinforces the ‘man’made element to me.

Even in the pagan world I have issues with wording and ritual.  For starters I don’t like the word ‘invoke’.  I know that it means ‘to ask’ ‘to appeal’ but it can also mean ‘to call forth or upon (a spirit) by incantation’ or ‘to cause, call forth, or bring about’ which seems to me to be a demand.  Now I won’t demand anything to come to me (apart from my dog of course); I don’t feel that I need to invoke anything, I feel that spirits, corners, whatever you want to call it/them are all around me anyway; including God if I was to think in my Christian upbringing.  If this is the case, they will help me or not as they will.  I can pay homage to them, ask their help, but I certainly cannot and will not demand or call in.

Does this mean that any work I do with the Goddess won’t be valued?  I don’t think so, but maybe others would.  I suppose the very fact that I’m thinking about it on a deeper, emotional level is exactly what the book is asking me to do, but even as I’m writing this and I’ve been attempting to write it all evening, I’m coming up with more conflicting views on the whole thing.

Must admit, learning is never an easy thing and when it comes to choosing and following a path of faith it’s even harder.

Perhaps I should just step back for a bit, have a really good think and come back to it a bit later on when I’m not stressing about overdrafts, birthday presents and such like.

I need to meditate!

EEEK! IT'S BEEN A MONTH AND I FEEL A BIT DIFFERENT

Hello all, I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything and I’m wondering if that is a good thing or a bad thing? Time just seems to be flying.

I admit, I’ve had some ups and some downs, but that is to be expected. I’ve also had quiet weeks and busy weeks; I can’t say whether one type of week has been better than another, because they haven’t, so I know that being at home being able to potter is no different from having to be out and about doing stuff. I do know that whatever is going on, it’s in my head and isn’t really in the world around me. At least I’m not paranoid, haha.

So how have I been? After going to Miranda, which was extremely funny although I secretly panicked about getting the train home on time, and going to see Russell Howard, which was hilarious although I secretly panicked about the seats we had due to them being high up and the ceiling in the Albert Hall is ‘miles’ away and my son hates both heights and high ceilings and the train journey home included packed tubes which my son also is a bit wary of, I had a couple of weeks of being reasonably quiet apart from feeding my daughter’s cats whilst she was away and going swimming with the kids (with me sitting on the side drinking tea).  I cancelled a few things during those weeks as I truly did not feel up to doing things especially evening things. In other words, during that couple of weeks I learnt to say NO! Well, I almost did as I still should have said no to a couple of other things but didn’t, but at least it was a start.

Then I had a week of, what seemed like, hell.  Actually it wasn’t as bad as that, but my brain was all over the place and I seemed to have one day of feeling great then a day of feeling crap where all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep.  I had friends round, went bowling with the kids, had two lots of trampoline lessons to take my son to and had his hair cut.  I ended up cancelling a night out as I was knackered and hot and really couldn’t be bothered to rush about getting myself some dinner, having a shower and then spending the next half hour standing in front of the wardrobe screaming in my head that I had nothing to wear.  I’d like to point out that I do have stuff to wear; I have clothes in my wardrobe.  I have a couple of pairs of trousers, several skirts, leggings, a few dresses and several tops, but I’m at that stage where I hate it all.  I’m disliking my body with its lumps, bumps (or should I say boulders when referring to a particular part(s) of my anatomy) and rolls and everything I put on makes me feel like a weeble; now showing my age and if no-one knows what a weeble is, I suggest you google it. I want to go out and buy new underwear and new clothes, but I don’t even think that would help as a) I have no money to do so anyway, b) I probably wouldn’t find anything I like, c) none of it would fit me properly, d) I’d look shit in it and e) I have no money anyway or have I already said that? So the week ended on the Friday with me curled up on the sofa and thinking ‘phew, got through another week and parts were ok and I survived the rest’.

Then on the Saturday I discovered a new hobby!  I went off to a friend’s house and had the most fun I’d had for ages.  I’d discovered crazy quilting!  Look it up, can’t be bothered to explain, but it’s fun, silly and a great way of using up scraps.  We were both like school girls discovering make up for the first time; squealing every time we put another bit in and ironed it flat.  It was stupid, but who cared; we were having fun and I loved it.  Since then, however, I haven’t managed to get onto the damn sewing machine to continue with it, but I will.

Last week was probably the busiest week so far and it wasn’t helped by the Bank Holiday as it meant He Who I Shall Not Continue To Name was off an extra day. Although he did use that extra day to continue to watch NCIS which he is trying to get up to date with me on (he’s on series 5, I’m on series 10), so between doing computer stuff I rewatched some of those; at least it wasn’t radio 5 Live.

Then it was Dockyard for Julia Donaldson Exhibition with son, daughter and granddaughter which was actually a rather lovely afternoon out with me falling asleep on the sofa pretty much as soon as I got home. Vikings at the British Museum with home ed friends which was also a good afternoon out with me, again, falling asleep on the sofa once home.  Trampolining and friends back for tea and cake and then a day off where I recovered some strength and chilled out a bit partly due to having a stonking headache and feeling shit.  Not a bad week emotionally, but I think I was just too tired to notice.  Tablets I’m taking seem to allow me to sleep all night, but I’m left waking up groggy and braindead in the morning, so it’s taking me longer to ‘get together’.

This week has been fantastic! Why? Well, it will be interesting to see how next week turns out. Why again? Two things!

1) I visited docs on Monday for update, we had a fab chat and I think I definitely got my 10mins worth of appointment.  We talked about my son’s transition to college even though it’s still a year away and about my worries about his DLA which also comes up for renewal in a year’s time. I know they are both a year away, but a year goes so quick and I’m concerned about both hugely.  If he doesn’t get his DLA and I lose my Carers Allowance, I have no idea what we will do financially.  I’m worried that PIP which is to replace DLA will not be as much or will be limited and I might still lose Carers.  I’m concerned about him going to college; not because I don’t think he could do the work, he could, but because of the situation, the people, the crowds, etc, but I’m also worried about what happens if he doesn’t get it.  I told my doc that I know that all people worry about this and their kids transition and he replied that ‘yes, they do, but you do have a bit extra to deal with than most’ which I actually found very reassuring and I wanted to give him a hug. Oh and he’s doubled my dose of tablets.

2) He Who I Will Not Name Again worked late shift this week.  It meant that, although he didn’t leave home until 9.15am, he didn’t GET home until 7.15pm.  It meant I had all day, ALL DAY, to do stuff and I did.  I baked, I cooked, I caught up with washing, I actually did some housework, I could stop and rest when I needed to rather than keep going and ending up in agony because I had a time limit, I washed up loads instead of leaving it to fester, I hung washing on the line, I went shopping and I still spent time with my son and took him to trampolining and had friends round and I also went out in one evening!  Yep, I managed to get myself out in the dark; admittedly only to the cinema where I obviously didn’t have to ‘dress up’, but still, it’s the first time I’ve wanted to go out in the evening for ages.  Woo Hoo.

So, I’m now up to date.  I’m on more tablets, but to be honest I feel better.  However, I don’t know whether that is tablets or the fact I’ve had so much more time to do stuff in this week.  As I’ve said, next week will be the decider as HWIWNN is back to earlies.

Cya

I'M STILL STILL ALIVE - HAHA

Well, I haven't written anything in this blog for months!!! I don't think its because I haven't felt anything or been annoyed by anything or...you get the picture; I've just been really busy and really tired at the end of the day. It gets to 9pm and I'm to be found happily flopped in my pjs in front of the telly watching...crime programmes mostly!

Now I don't know what that says about me, but I like them. I like having a go at guessing the outcome, although the American ones, which is mainly what I've been watching lately, tell you the end almost before they start. I also like the sciencey bit! I have to say that the programmes I've been watching have been NCIS, Bones, Criminal Minds and Dark Blue. NCIS has its forensics as does Bones; Crimimal Minds is the pyschological side and Dark Blue...well actually I only watch Dark Blue so I can lust after Logan Marshall Green *embarrassed grin* - a girl has to have something to look forward to. Other progs have been Being Human - love a vampire me; Primeval - have watched from the beginning and do have a bit of a soft spot for the silliness and Andrew Lee Potts if I'm honest (again); Dr Who - who hasn't been? and a couple of comedy shows: Ideal and Family Guy.

The problem I now have is that THEY HAVE ALL FINISHED!!!!!!!! Well, Family Guy hasn't, but then that is on constant reruns anyway. My only saviour is that Top Gear started last week...aaah Jeremy Clarkson is back! Why does that happen, why do you get a season of stuff you really like watching and then they all finish about the same time and you are left with nothing. Do they really think that everyone is outdoors having BBQs or evenings in the pub or days out at the beach or even on holiday for the whole of the Summer? Well, I'm not!! For starters I couldn't afford it! Come on programmers, let's have something that takes us all through the year. Even Dr Who stopped half way through and isn't back until the Autumn. We are not America, BBC!! We want the whole series all in one go, thank you!

As to money or rather lack of it. Am I the only one who hasn't got any, I don't think so, but what the hell is happening to it? A couple of years ago the money I had got me through the month, saved for a little holiday and saved for Xmas, now I'm lucky if it gets me through the month! Last month I went overdrawn for the first time in five years!!! I know that there is a recesssion, but this is ridiculous! I'm using my credit card for essentials and it's got to stop. Callum, stop growing!

On a lighter note, my leg has improved to the point where I'm actually getting out into the garden and digging! Yes, digging!! Thank you beautiful Osteopath!!! This means that my garden is finally getting somewhere. It will be a long and slow process, but at least I feel like it isn't a lost cause. Have got another bed dug over and planted which is fab! We've also decided that, due to time and the stupid Council putting in parking restrictions, we are going to have to give up our allotment. This will mean utilising the garden for not only my wildlife, woodland, pond and herb areas, but for also growing some vegetables and fruit. Callum doesn't use the garden loads, so I'm sure that if marked out properly he will still have plenty of room to play and I will be able to have plenty of room to plant. May have to rethink some areas, but it isn't impossible.

Anyway, that's about all I can think of at the moment. Been pretty busy this week with Callum catching up on project work and I can hear the sofa calling me very faintly in the distance. 9pm isn't far away, although what the hell I'll watch I don't know, maybe Alan Titchmarch on C4+1 and then a movie.

Cyas