RELAUNCH AND CLINICAL DEPRESSION

Hi all, I know it's been ages, but I really wasn't in the mood to blog any more.  However, I've decided to relaunch this one as I was, today, diagnosed with clinical depression.  Luckily, currently, its only mild.

I've suffered from depression on and off for most of my life since my teens.  Some attacks are bad, some not so, but all affect me.

From an outsider's point of view I have a pretty good life.  I have a house which I share with my 'partner' (more on that later), my son and our dog.  I don't need to work.  I'm not well off, but the bills get paid.  I'm usually happy and smiley.

BUT....my house is on a mortgage which I never wanted; my partner and I have grown apart and, although still friends, we no longer sleep together or are intimate with each other, I don't cook for him or do his laundry. We are virtually lodgers under the same roof and it mainly works, but sometimes it doesn't.

I home educate my Asperger son who is now 14.  He's a typical teenage boy and wants to spend most of his time on the Xbox or computer.  I worry that we don't do enough especially as he's applying for college this year.  He won't have exams and that isn't a problem, but I worry that he won't get in or, if he does, whether he'll be ok.  He currently has no motivation or enthusiasm and as neither do I, it's hard.

My dog is old, lumpy and coughing.  I can't take him to the vets as I can't afford it and they have already said they wouldn't operate anyway due to his age.  He's eating, drinking, pleased to see us, loves his walks and is generally happy, so I'm not too concerned, but I am worried.  What will we do when he goes?  What will my son think?  Will my 'partner' come home with another one, even though I've already said I don't want another one?

As to me, I'm tired and not sleeping well.  I've got too many things going on in my head and I can't think straight.  And I'm in pain pretty much 100% of the time due to inflammation on my hip and my spine.  My knees have also been playing up due to compensating for the hip and spine (no control over that, the body just does it without you knowing about it).

Every morning I wake up and I don't want to get up, I don't want to get dressed and I don't want to go out. I know that I have to.  I know that staying indoors won't help my mood, but sometimes it's such an effort. Standing in front of a wardrobe with a load of clothes that you don't feel inspired by, often feel like you look a state in and not really wanting to put them on in the first place is difficult and then there is the hair and then the face.  Attempting to wash is often a chore.  Take tonight.  I'd had a lovely afternoon out with friends and then got home exhausted due to lack of sleep last night.  I knew I needed a bath and to eat, but all I actually wanted to do was put on my pjs and curl up on the sofa.  I didn't!  I made a cup of tea, ran a bath, laid in it and read for a while, then washed and put on pjs.  I then quickly put together something with rice and then curled up on the sofa.  It wasn't difficult, but it was a huge effort!

What got me a diagnosis?  I went to the docs and got one.  I always feel a bit low during January, but by mid Feb, I'm normally on the up again.  However, this time it didn't happen, even with those few sunny days we had, I had no energy and no enthusiasm to get out and about.  I knew that this wasn't the 'normal' me and I knew it wasn't getting any better, so an appointment was made.

Luckily I have a good doctor who listens.  A lot of talking was done and then a quick 'quiz' was done and I was then informed that, yes, I had depression.  Some SSRis have been prescribed and I've got to see him again in 6 weeks.  I start the SSRis tomorrow and I know that they will take a time to kick in.  Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors if anyone interested.  And we will see how we get on.

So I'm relaunching the blog.  So I can have a bit of an explanation of how I feel each day and whether things are changing.

What brought it on?  No idea, sometimes there doesn't have to be a reason, sometimes it just happens.

WHAT TO DO? WHAT TO DO?

Am in a funny mood today!  Want to do something, but don't, if you know what I mean.  I have a list of jobs that need to be done, but, after looking at them, I need to either buy stuff, which I can't until Tuesday as have no money until then, or ring people and it's bank holiday so no-one about until Tuesday (again).

There is some gardening jobs I could do, but I'm really not in the mood as my neck and shoulders really hurt and one of the jobs involves digging!  I'm not in the mood to sort out photos or set up the new printer.

I could weigh up the EBay stuff I want to sell, but Phil around and he'll start asking questions.  He's already asked me what I wanted a bin liner for earlier! Why the hell does he think I need a bin liner?  Does he think I'm going to dress up in it or make curtains from it or decorate the wall with it?  I need a bin liner as I have rubbish to put in it you stupid man!

So, I have sorted out the corner under the window in the bedroom.  It has a baby box in it and all the Body Shop stuff, which was in several boxes.  I've managed to sort it all out and chuck out what was surplus and unnecessary, so the corner looks a lot tidier and hasn't got so many boxes in it.  I've also sorted out the computer corner where all the paperwork/home ed stuff is.  So filing done, rubbish cleared, recycling sorted, home ed stuff put away and tidied up.  Computer area now doesn't look as if it'll be lost forever under files, paper and science stuff; hoorah!

Apart from that though, I've not done anything else on this glorious sunshiny day.  My brain isn't feeling creative, so I'm not writing (apart from this).  I'm not knitting as I want to sort out the blanket before I start anything new and I need to go buy backing fabric and ribbon to do that.

So, what to do, what to do?

Hate moods like this (unusual in this weather), can't get motivated or enthused.  It may be because I was hoping to go to the cinema today and odd job tomorrow, but plans been changed so going to cinema tomorrow instead.  Brain not good at last minute changes; it gets a little confused and feels a bit at a loose end.  Hey ho!

On the plus side, I made a list of plants that I wanted earlier in the week and whilst outside pulling up some grass (so, yes, a teeny weeny bit of gardening done this morning whilst waiting for the kettle to boil) I discovered that one of the plants I wanted is already growing in my garden; just not in the right place.  Thought I had some, but wasn't sure, so checked it whilst drinking the tea I made from the awaiting kettle and it is!  Whoop whoop!  Just need to transplant it and hope it doesn't die!

Anyway, cya!  Hopefully I'll think of something to do so I don't feel like the day has been wasted.

I HATE TECHNOLOGY!!! WELL AT LEAST WHEN IT ISN'T WORKING PROPERLY.

Oh dear!  It's another one of those days again today.  Actually it started yesterday and is continuing this morning.

Callum has been doing a game programming course with Digipen over past few weeks and is really enjoying it.  However, we did have a lot of problems uploading the software and a few teething probs, but we got it sorted and he's been really enjoying it.  His homework for the past week has been to design his own game, adding sound, using the skills he's learnt so far.

Anyway, he did that.  Knew once he's actually thought of one that wasn't going to use skills too far along in the course, it wouldn't take him long to do and it didn't.  BUT when he came to run it, it wouldn't work!  In fact nothing he'd done so far would work!  Turns out that the Digipen software we've been using doesn't like Java updates and as we have have one over the past couple of weeks, it's buggered everything up.  Grrrr!

Solution to this problem?  Unload the version of Digipen we've been using and download a new version! Why?  Can't you just sort it out your end?  Obviously not!  So after having a couple of problems with downloading (as we did originally) we've now managed to get the new version BUT we now have to reregister as it isn't recognising us because its new software!  Grrrrrrrrrr!  FFS!  PLUS we can't update Java until we've finished the course just in case it mucks it up again.  Solution?  They are going to try and work away from Java completely.  If it wasn't for the fact that Callum is really enjoying the course, I'd tell them to stuff it!  Can't believe that a supposedly well established course has had so many problems with its software. I know that we are a trial group for home educators and that the course is normally run through colleges, but this is pretty ridiculous!  Hey ho!

Then this morning, to cap it all, apart from waking up at 4.30am for the second day in a row,  I couldn't connect to the internet as my stupid internet connection decided to have a funny and say it was there when it wasn't and then saying it wasn't there when it was!  Had to shut everything down completely and restart twice before it decided to behave!

So basically I'm extremely aggrieved by technology at the moment!  Grrrrr!

Off to make another cuppa!
Cya

DON'T FORGET THE MEANING OF 'SHARE'

I had a bit of an epiphany today; something that I’d totally forgotten about.  But first let’s talk about how I got there.

I have a number of incredibly good friends that I really care about and some of them have been having a really tough time lately, and I mean tough!  Most have had health problems; if not themselves, then close family and in a few occasions both!  A few have had relationship problems; one was unexpected, there have even been a few deaths.  I know this because they tell me, they share with me their woes and I’m incredibly honoured by the fact that they trust me enough to do so.

However, I have been feeling really run down lately; tired, lethargic, no ability to get excited about anything, snuffly, dizzy and generally feeling very low and I’ve thought it was due to lack of sunshine and the fact that Spring still hasn’t really arrived.  I thought this until yesterday when it finally dawned on me that, although Spring is indeed late and I do indeed need some sunshine, the fact that I feel very run down could be because I’m full of negative energy.

I usually wear one of two necklaces which offer me some protection as I am aware that I am susceptible to taking on other people’s grief, but both my necklaces feel really heavy when I wear them at the moment and I’ve tried to cleanse, but so far have failed.

I hate the fact that I can’t actually DO anything for my friends in most cases.  I hate the fact that they are hurting and there is nothing I can do to stop it and I don’t want them to stop sharing with me and I know that sometimes just talking is enough.  But I’m feeling guilty because I feel ill and I’m moaning about it.  It isn’t my problems I’m dealing with; I’m not the one that has to go home and face it.  I’m just sitting down with a cup of tea in most cases and listening.  That’s it, just listening.  I have no right to feel ill, no right to feel sorry for myself, no right to feel ‘got at’ or ‘put upon’ (not that I really am).  But I did and I offloaded to a friend (who I have only met a few times) on Facebook and she helped me out in more ways than I could ever realise and she probably won’t either.  She made me understand the word SHARE!

Of course, I’m going to feel bad; of course I’m going to feel down.  My friends are sharing with me and the very fact that they are sharing means that some, even though it may only be a little bit, some of their pain has been given to me.  Given and accepted I might add.

So what do I do about it?  I need to accept that I will accept some of their pain.  I need to understand that this will affect me and that if I’m not careful and take on too much it will make me ill.  I need to continue to feel, but I must also remember to protect and that doesn’t always mean by using something physical like a necklace.  It means I must use some of my energy to protect me, it means asking for help from my ‘ether fairies’ or my archer or my eagle (especially my eagle as he always appears in my meditations although it wasn’t until recently that I realised he was an eagle) or some of my friends.  I hate asking for help, but sometimes I must.  Today proved it.  I reached out for help and it was given freely and willingly just as I try to give my help out freely and willingly to my friends in need.  I need to remember that I’m not invincible.  I’m not tough.  I am vulnerable and I am soft.

So after thanking my friendly saviour today and taking a breath of fresh air outside, I know that to share is ok and that it works both ways!!

BATH VERSUS SHOWER, YOU CHOOSE

Hiya!

My previous home of 10 years didn't have a shower and, so, when we moved to this house, I wanted one.  Partly because my son prefers showers to baths and partly because.....well, I wanted one!  So bath moved from one side of the bathroom to the other so that a shower could be put in over it giving us the choice (we have a sloping ceiling and the shower just wouldn't fit in where the bath originally was).

Now I know that there are many people out there who swear by their showers, love them, adore them, wouldn't wash any other way, but to be honest I'm not one of them.  I like my shower, don't get me wrong, but to me it's the quick option.  It's the 'eeek, I need to get out of the house in 5 mins' or the 'I'm hot and bothered and need to cool off' option.  It's the rush, lack of time, quick option which holds no joy to me at all.  I love my bath!

My bath gives me that 1/2 hour plus of me time.  It gives me that 'pamper' time.  It gives me that 'time to laze in hot water and meditate on the day' time.  I really do love my bath time.  Sometimes it is just a get in, wash, get out bath with maybe a mini laze to start with.  Sometimes it's a laze in hot water and read a book before having a wash and sometimes it's candles only, lots of bubbles and a total laze in hot water.

My point is that when I have my bath, I'm relaxed, I'm chilled, I get out clean and refreshed both physically and mentally.  When I have a shower, I get out clean, but I still feel harassed, still feel rushed, still feel like it's go, go, go!

There is nothing wrong with this, it has its place, but I'm sorry, give me a bath any day!!

How about you?

HOW DO PEOPLE DO IT?

Hi all, after a very off/on, off/on weekend with the poorly bug and other half being at home for past 4 days, today was 'back to normal'.  Well, it was supposed to be, but it didn't quite turn out that way.

Woke up and enjoyed the lovely peace and quiet of no Radio 5 Live blaring from the kitchen and no teenager up yet, so a couple of very leisurely, very calm cups of tea were taken before I decided to start the day.

Then the computer awaited me.  The dreaded finance time; check bank account against spreadsheet, pay bills, move money around from one account to another and then see how much was left for the month.  EEEEEK!!!  Skint, again and I've only just started.  I've got the grand sum of £29 to last me the month, yep the whole month!  Admittedly I shouldn't have any shopping to buy, but I'm going to Brighton tomorrow and I wanted to stock up on some unusual bits from Infinity Foods (different pastas, flours and the like).  I have also paid for osteopath, all the household bills, Callum's trampolining lessons and set aside some money for holiday, but really, £29!!!  I say again, EEEEEEEK!

So what else today.  Well, after having realised the cash flow problem, I thought I'd better get out in the kitchen and get some food cooked for tomorrow's jaunt as buying bits is out of the question apart from aforementioned Infinity Food shop.  So gluten free rolls made, butter bean and red pepper 'burgers' also made, broccoli hot dip made but not cooked ready for return tomorrow night which I can have with some tortillas and/or veggie crudites and I made a version of an apple sauce cake using the orchard fruit butter that I made ages ago and was beginning to look a bit, how shall we say, in need of using up quickly.  I did a bit of  bottom of fridge foraging and found I have enough veggies to add to the bean sprouts that I have to make a prawn stir fry tonight, so not a bad afternoon's cooking, but, boy, did my hip hurt after doing all that standing.

Then, on looking around, I thought I'd better hoover through and change the mats and dog beds as they were looking a bit grim.

So, by that time it was rather late and so no home ed was done.  Callum didn't mind as he was happily playing on his new XBox game.  Not exactly brilliant though is it?

Anyway, my reason for the title?  I have a reasonable large kitchen, but during my furious cookathon my kitchen ended up looking like this:

And that was only one side of it.  The other side was full of washing up!!  I seriously don't know how people do it in a small kitchen.

Cya

FEELING BLURGH

Ok, I'm now officially sick of feeling sick!

Felt a little queasy on Wednesday whilst I was out but put it down to lack of proper eating and drinking.  Was snacking on rather lovely things whilst looking at rather lovely things in shops in Brighton with Carol.  Got home, tired, but felt fine.

Then woke up yesterday feeling sick, dizzy and achy. Not a happy bunny as I can cope with pretty much anything poorly that me body can throw at me apart from feeling sick!  (Ok, migraine will knock me out, but in general I can cope with headaches, etc.)  It's one of those things where you want to do something about it, but every time you either eat something, drink something or possibly take something, you know it's going to make you feel sicker!  Grrrr.  So it was nibble here and there, drink here and there and fall asleep on sofa once and for rather a long time.

Oh well, hoped to feel better today, but NOOOOOOOO!!!!  Woke up feeling good, but then after having a cuppa and a couple of slices of gf toast, I felt sick again!  Been like it off and on all day and interspersed with that lovely queasy feeling, I've been feeling dizzy!  Don't know what it is, but wish it would go away!

Must admit, just watched the news and the Queen is suffering from gastro enteritis, so maybe I'm coming out in sympathy for the old girl.

Apart from that I've had rather a good time this week, plenty of chats with friends and a pretty good selection of TV to watch, a grand day out with another one due next week and a new book series to read.

However, no knitting as wrist is killing me (appointment made with docs in a couple of weeks!!!) and having been to osteopath, it hasn't improved; hence the doc appointment in case it's something a little more than strained muscles.

Had a 'surprise' couple of days with the other half being off - announce on Sunday last.  Pfft, great.  He's taken over kitchen and washing machine and totally buggered up the routine, but at least we had a lift today to hairdressers and shopping has now been done, so we have cupboards restocked and I'm not reduced to scrapping the bottom of the fridge for food for me.

Hoping to get some cooking done over weekend for the freezer, so I've got some quick meals in.  It took me just over 30 mins tonight to cook home made potato curry, rice and my own quick recipe of peshwari nan.  It took him 2 hours to cook burger and chips!!!  I admit his chips are from scratch, but the burgers aren't.  It never ceases to amaze me how long it takes him to cook something.

Hey ho!  Hopefully feel better tomorrow for my day in the kitchen, if I can kick him out of it that it, so I'll say cya later folks.

Cya