ANXIETY Vs DEPRESSION: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

I want to start by saying that I’ve just had a fab weekend.  Yup, really!

Friday my son and I met up with some friends and went to Margate.  Initially it was supposed to be a visit to the Turner Gallery for an exhibition and a wander round before heading off to the beach for a laze, look at the sea and meet up with some other friends of ours that live there.  On a bit of a reconnaissance check a couple of days before, I’d discovered that, although the exhibition we wanted to see was open, the rest of the gallery was shut. ‘Fine’ my friend said, ‘let’s still go’, so we did.

We get there; the weather is great, not too hot, and not too cold.  We walked to the gallery and, although the exhibition was on, it wasn’t functioning (it was supposed to be cymbals, which you could ‘play’) as there was a conference going on and they didn’t want the sound to interfere. Hrumph!!  This isn’t good.  So I decide to find out about the Shell Grotto as haven’t been since The Boy was small; it’s open, we go, its fab!  Then back to the beach, later than anticipated, to meet up, briefly, with said local friends. What could have been a disastrous day turned out quite good. Phew!

Then Saturday I went off on my ownsie to Comic Con at Excel Centre, London!  Was so nice not to have to worry about anyone else’s stresses, anxieties, wants and not wants; I left home when I was ready, I did what I wanted to do, attended whatever talks I fancied and I came home when I was ready.  Lovely!

Sunday; I pretty much slept all day and caught up with telly in between snoozes.

Monday I should have woken up refreshed, but noooooooo!!  I’d had trouble getting to sleep Sunday night (fair enough as I’d slept off and on for most of the day) and I woke up at 6am!  Wide awake, but not really with it; mentally gone, but physically hyper active; so spent all day pottering about cleaning, washing, hanging said washing out to dry, dusting, sorting and catching up with the odd prog I didn’t manage to watch the day before.  Went to bed at a reasonable hour, for me, and slept well.

Expected to wake up feeling gooooooood; I didn’t!  Today I am still tired, but I’m not only mentally tired, I’m physically tired too; I could quite happily have the day at home doing a bit more tidying up, having a lovely soak in the bath and generally taking it easy.  I can’t!  It’s private trampolining for The Boy today and, because we are already out, it’ll be a trip to the library to return a book, Subway for late lunch, passport photos for me as I’m running out of time to get an ID card for Glasto and another trip into the bank to take money from The Boy’s book account to pay directly into my credit card as his telly blew yesterday.

Now I know that isn’t a lot, I know that, actually, that’s a pretty easy day, but I’m getting sick of it all.  I’m fed up with organising anything and everything, I’m totally stressing about money, I was stressed all yesterday in case he ‘blew’ his new telly because of some miss-wiring in his computer (he built it and so far all is well) and, because I’m stressed, my brain keeps returning to the dreaded renewal of DLA which still hasn’t dropped through my door yet! Aaargh! I’m beginning to feel like those kids at school that, by the middle of July, are just desperate for the term to end and the summer holidays to begin. I want it all to stop!

I’m wondering if I’m depressed again; symptoms like being tired, erratic sleeping, feeling brain dead, not wanting to face things, etc are here again.  But, I do want to go out, even if it is mainly by myself. I do want to get dressed and take care of myself so I don’t think I’m depressed.  I’m just anxious.  I’m just stressed.  Hence the title of this blog; Anxiety vs Depression: What’s the Difference?  I must look into it!

Cya

IT DEPENDS ON THE WEATHER

Okay, new year and new resolutions?  Nah, as I'm hopeless at them; making them and keeping them.  So I'm not going to promise that I'll keep this up, I will probably not write it every day/week/month, but I will write when I feel up to it or because I want to.

So, update!  Been on antidepressants for a while, but am now off them.  Not by doctor's orders I might add, but accidentally.  I knew I was running short, so took the final couple of weeks as one every other day as getting to the doctors wasn't going to be an easy thing to fit in and I'm supposed to have had an appointment anyway.  So, finally managed to get to docs, went in, only to be turned away as they were having a monthly meeting and no-one was allowed in!!!!!  Popped prescription repeat request into box and hoped for the best.  A few days later, I called the docs for an appointment only to discover that I couldn't get one for 3 weeks!!!!!!!  Unless an emergency one of course, which meant ringing in the morning for a morning appointment or the afternoon for an afternoon one.  The latter is something I never understand especially as I'd rung at 11am.  Surely they would have known by then if there was an afternoon appointment available.  Hate their stupid system, almost as much as I hate the fact that all doctor practices in the building have automatic sign in for appointments on a little computer screen except mine.  Screen never seems to be working, so you have to queue up just to tell the receptionist, who is invariably on the phone or chatting to a patient, that you've arrived. Hrumph!!  I digress. So realising that I couldn't get an appointment I went on my merry way through life until I suddenly realised a week later that I hadn't picked up the prescription.  By this point I'd been out of tablets for two weeks and as I wasn't feeling too bad and that I was also skint, I decided not to bother picking the damn thing up and spending £8.05 for something that I might not need anymore (what is it with the 5p?  A nice round £8 would be preferrable).  So here I am, not on tablets, not feeling too bad and awaiting another week before doc gets back from wherever he may be so I can make an appointment.

During this time of being half off and completely off tablets, I've also noticed how much the weather affects me!  Take yesterday.  Sunny day, although cold, was up early as having guttering man coming to clean out the gutters (obviously) and the downpipe.  I managed to get so much done yesterday and I felt amazing doing it.  Thought to myself, "this is it, the answer to everything, get up extra early and spend the day doing 'stuff'."  But no!  Today, I'm tired, miserable (although that has more to do with hearing some pretty awful news about a very close friend), I can't be bothered to go out and I want to curl up on sofa.  Why?  Because the weather is dark, dingy and miserable too!  So I'm not depressed, I'm just weather dependant.

Although now I've said that I must add that I actually was depressed when I first started taken the little pills of joy.  I hated everything and pretty much couldn't stand most people either.  That has changed, but I have realised that it's me that had to change.  I had to realise that there are some people you have to spell everything out to; you have to explain it all, give them instructions and tell them when you want it done by.  They, then, happily get on with it, throwing themselves into it with full enthusiam and the job gets done to a fab standard.  I wish it didn't have to be that way; I wish they could think for themselves, get on with stuff that is obvious to me and be enthusiastic about sorting it out in the first place, but no, that isn't going to happen.  So I've accepted that I have to be 'mum' to a man who is a year older than me and tell him what I want him to do and if I can't get him to do it, I'll have to pay a man who can and then reclaim the money back after a small arguement of "I asked you. No you didn't. Yes I did! Well I couldn't do it due to xyz or I was going to do it later (which of course is never). But it needed doing now!  Well it's done now so how much?" As to everyone else, I need to shut up and let them get on with it.

Well, that's tablets update, me update, me having another moan, me curling up on sofa writing this instead of actually doing something, although I did just nip off an put the spuds in the oven (rosemary and garlic flavoured mini roasties; son's favourite) and me signing off as I can't be bothered to write any more.

Cya

EEEK! IT'S BEEN A MONTH AND I FEEL A BIT DIFFERENT

Hello all, I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything and I’m wondering if that is a good thing or a bad thing? Time just seems to be flying.

I admit, I’ve had some ups and some downs, but that is to be expected. I’ve also had quiet weeks and busy weeks; I can’t say whether one type of week has been better than another, because they haven’t, so I know that being at home being able to potter is no different from having to be out and about doing stuff. I do know that whatever is going on, it’s in my head and isn’t really in the world around me. At least I’m not paranoid, haha.

So how have I been? After going to Miranda, which was extremely funny although I secretly panicked about getting the train home on time, and going to see Russell Howard, which was hilarious although I secretly panicked about the seats we had due to them being high up and the ceiling in the Albert Hall is ‘miles’ away and my son hates both heights and high ceilings and the train journey home included packed tubes which my son also is a bit wary of, I had a couple of weeks of being reasonably quiet apart from feeding my daughter’s cats whilst she was away and going swimming with the kids (with me sitting on the side drinking tea).  I cancelled a few things during those weeks as I truly did not feel up to doing things especially evening things. In other words, during that couple of weeks I learnt to say NO! Well, I almost did as I still should have said no to a couple of other things but didn’t, but at least it was a start.

Then I had a week of, what seemed like, hell.  Actually it wasn’t as bad as that, but my brain was all over the place and I seemed to have one day of feeling great then a day of feeling crap where all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep.  I had friends round, went bowling with the kids, had two lots of trampoline lessons to take my son to and had his hair cut.  I ended up cancelling a night out as I was knackered and hot and really couldn’t be bothered to rush about getting myself some dinner, having a shower and then spending the next half hour standing in front of the wardrobe screaming in my head that I had nothing to wear.  I’d like to point out that I do have stuff to wear; I have clothes in my wardrobe.  I have a couple of pairs of trousers, several skirts, leggings, a few dresses and several tops, but I’m at that stage where I hate it all.  I’m disliking my body with its lumps, bumps (or should I say boulders when referring to a particular part(s) of my anatomy) and rolls and everything I put on makes me feel like a weeble; now showing my age and if no-one knows what a weeble is, I suggest you google it. I want to go out and buy new underwear and new clothes, but I don’t even think that would help as a) I have no money to do so anyway, b) I probably wouldn’t find anything I like, c) none of it would fit me properly, d) I’d look shit in it and e) I have no money anyway or have I already said that? So the week ended on the Friday with me curled up on the sofa and thinking ‘phew, got through another week and parts were ok and I survived the rest’.

Then on the Saturday I discovered a new hobby!  I went off to a friend’s house and had the most fun I’d had for ages.  I’d discovered crazy quilting!  Look it up, can’t be bothered to explain, but it’s fun, silly and a great way of using up scraps.  We were both like school girls discovering make up for the first time; squealing every time we put another bit in and ironed it flat.  It was stupid, but who cared; we were having fun and I loved it.  Since then, however, I haven’t managed to get onto the damn sewing machine to continue with it, but I will.

Last week was probably the busiest week so far and it wasn’t helped by the Bank Holiday as it meant He Who I Shall Not Continue To Name was off an extra day. Although he did use that extra day to continue to watch NCIS which he is trying to get up to date with me on (he’s on series 5, I’m on series 10), so between doing computer stuff I rewatched some of those; at least it wasn’t radio 5 Live.

Then it was Dockyard for Julia Donaldson Exhibition with son, daughter and granddaughter which was actually a rather lovely afternoon out with me falling asleep on the sofa pretty much as soon as I got home. Vikings at the British Museum with home ed friends which was also a good afternoon out with me, again, falling asleep on the sofa once home.  Trampolining and friends back for tea and cake and then a day off where I recovered some strength and chilled out a bit partly due to having a stonking headache and feeling shit.  Not a bad week emotionally, but I think I was just too tired to notice.  Tablets I’m taking seem to allow me to sleep all night, but I’m left waking up groggy and braindead in the morning, so it’s taking me longer to ‘get together’.

This week has been fantastic! Why? Well, it will be interesting to see how next week turns out. Why again? Two things!

1) I visited docs on Monday for update, we had a fab chat and I think I definitely got my 10mins worth of appointment.  We talked about my son’s transition to college even though it’s still a year away and about my worries about his DLA which also comes up for renewal in a year’s time. I know they are both a year away, but a year goes so quick and I’m concerned about both hugely.  If he doesn’t get his DLA and I lose my Carers Allowance, I have no idea what we will do financially.  I’m worried that PIP which is to replace DLA will not be as much or will be limited and I might still lose Carers.  I’m concerned about him going to college; not because I don’t think he could do the work, he could, but because of the situation, the people, the crowds, etc, but I’m also worried about what happens if he doesn’t get it.  I told my doc that I know that all people worry about this and their kids transition and he replied that ‘yes, they do, but you do have a bit extra to deal with than most’ which I actually found very reassuring and I wanted to give him a hug. Oh and he’s doubled my dose of tablets.

2) He Who I Will Not Name Again worked late shift this week.  It meant that, although he didn’t leave home until 9.15am, he didn’t GET home until 7.15pm.  It meant I had all day, ALL DAY, to do stuff and I did.  I baked, I cooked, I caught up with washing, I actually did some housework, I could stop and rest when I needed to rather than keep going and ending up in agony because I had a time limit, I washed up loads instead of leaving it to fester, I hung washing on the line, I went shopping and I still spent time with my son and took him to trampolining and had friends round and I also went out in one evening!  Yep, I managed to get myself out in the dark; admittedly only to the cinema where I obviously didn’t have to ‘dress up’, but still, it’s the first time I’ve wanted to go out in the evening for ages.  Woo Hoo.

So, I’m now up to date.  I’m on more tablets, but to be honest I feel better.  However, I don’t know whether that is tablets or the fact I’ve had so much more time to do stuff in this week.  As I’ve said, next week will be the decider as HWIWNN is back to earlies.

Cya

RELAUNCH AND CLINICAL DEPRESSION

Hi all, I know it's been ages, but I really wasn't in the mood to blog any more.  However, I've decided to relaunch this one as I was, today, diagnosed with clinical depression.  Luckily, currently, its only mild.

I've suffered from depression on and off for most of my life since my teens.  Some attacks are bad, some not so, but all affect me.

From an outsider's point of view I have a pretty good life.  I have a house which I share with my 'partner' (more on that later), my son and our dog.  I don't need to work.  I'm not well off, but the bills get paid.  I'm usually happy and smiley.

BUT....my house is on a mortgage which I never wanted; my partner and I have grown apart and, although still friends, we no longer sleep together or are intimate with each other, I don't cook for him or do his laundry. We are virtually lodgers under the same roof and it mainly works, but sometimes it doesn't.

I home educate my Asperger son who is now 14.  He's a typical teenage boy and wants to spend most of his time on the Xbox or computer.  I worry that we don't do enough especially as he's applying for college this year.  He won't have exams and that isn't a problem, but I worry that he won't get in or, if he does, whether he'll be ok.  He currently has no motivation or enthusiasm and as neither do I, it's hard.

My dog is old, lumpy and coughing.  I can't take him to the vets as I can't afford it and they have already said they wouldn't operate anyway due to his age.  He's eating, drinking, pleased to see us, loves his walks and is generally happy, so I'm not too concerned, but I am worried.  What will we do when he goes?  What will my son think?  Will my 'partner' come home with another one, even though I've already said I don't want another one?

As to me, I'm tired and not sleeping well.  I've got too many things going on in my head and I can't think straight.  And I'm in pain pretty much 100% of the time due to inflammation on my hip and my spine.  My knees have also been playing up due to compensating for the hip and spine (no control over that, the body just does it without you knowing about it).

Every morning I wake up and I don't want to get up, I don't want to get dressed and I don't want to go out. I know that I have to.  I know that staying indoors won't help my mood, but sometimes it's such an effort. Standing in front of a wardrobe with a load of clothes that you don't feel inspired by, often feel like you look a state in and not really wanting to put them on in the first place is difficult and then there is the hair and then the face.  Attempting to wash is often a chore.  Take tonight.  I'd had a lovely afternoon out with friends and then got home exhausted due to lack of sleep last night.  I knew I needed a bath and to eat, but all I actually wanted to do was put on my pjs and curl up on the sofa.  I didn't!  I made a cup of tea, ran a bath, laid in it and read for a while, then washed and put on pjs.  I then quickly put together something with rice and then curled up on the sofa.  It wasn't difficult, but it was a huge effort!

What got me a diagnosis?  I went to the docs and got one.  I always feel a bit low during January, but by mid Feb, I'm normally on the up again.  However, this time it didn't happen, even with those few sunny days we had, I had no energy and no enthusiasm to get out and about.  I knew that this wasn't the 'normal' me and I knew it wasn't getting any better, so an appointment was made.

Luckily I have a good doctor who listens.  A lot of talking was done and then a quick 'quiz' was done and I was then informed that, yes, I had depression.  Some SSRis have been prescribed and I've got to see him again in 6 weeks.  I start the SSRis tomorrow and I know that they will take a time to kick in.  Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors if anyone interested.  And we will see how we get on.

So I'm relaunching the blog.  So I can have a bit of an explanation of how I feel each day and whether things are changing.

What brought it on?  No idea, sometimes there doesn't have to be a reason, sometimes it just happens.