CAN WE HAVE A 'DON'T CARE' BOX?

Let me start by saying that this is not about whether we should stay or leave the EU.  I’m still on the fence and probably will be until the day.  Why? Well, so far, no-one has come up with a strong enough reason for me to decide either way and, to be honest, I don’t think they will.  I really don’t think that it matters one way or the other for people like me, but then that’s because, to most people, I’m probably thick.

Let me explain.

When I was 17 I had left school, albeit with 5, now archaic, O levels and had had two jobs and was heading to college.  Now, thinking about it, that is pretty impressive.  One of those jobs, admittedly, was working in a café; one was working with the Ministry of Defence.  I left the first job and went straight to the other and when I left that one (and in both cases I left, I was not dismissed) I pretty much took the summer off and then went into college to do my typing and shorthand (typing I still use regularly, shorthand I have now completely forgotten). 

My point is that my son, who has reached 17 today, is not in a world where that would happen.  Jobs aren’t there and no-one appears to want to employ a 16 – 18 year olds unless it’s on zero hours and pittance money, ie, they can only work if they allow the bosses to screw them over and woe betide they choose to leave a job; if they did they’d be tarred for life.  Even if they do manage to find a job that they want to apply for, why is it that nowadays they expect you to have a degree in rocket science just to work in McDonalds!  Two jobs that I left went on to employ people with degrees and yet they had employed me with my scrappy English Lit, English Lang, Maths and Combined Science O levels (Grade C in all but Maths which was a B).  How can employers justify this; I didn’t even have an A level let alone a degree and I did the job just fine.

Needless to say that I find the worker’s rights (ahem, we used to have unions for that until the Gov closed the majority of them down) and free movement of employment a bit of a pointless argument.  If my son can’t get a job here, then what makes you think he’d find one abroad.

And whilst on the subject of free movement of employment in Europe; are we saying that before the EU no-one worked abroad?  I’m pretty sure people still did go abroad and work; take a look at the Victorians, they were bloody everywhere (ok, some of you might be screaming ‘EMPIRE’ at me now).  And I know one of my friend’s dads used to work in Bahrain.

Plus……we also work, emigrate and travel to countries that aren’t in the EU; we have done so in the past and we still do.  I know of a family that, a few years ago, emigrated to Canada. Someone else spent almost a year working in Australia.  Neither are part of the EU, but do have the advantage of no language barrier.  Personally if I was going to up sticks and move, it would be to somewhere where I could understand what was going on around me and that would mean applying, filling in paperwork and all that other stuff you have to do to get into one of those English speaking countries, but, do you know what, I’d prefer to do that (not because I'm racist, but because I can't be bothered to learn a new language).

This brings me to the argument of free travel, as in freely without passports, visas, etc, not FREE travel. This has been another argument to stay.  Really?  Are we really that lazy that we can’t be bothered to fill in some forms?  Of course we’re not otherwise thousands wouldn’t holiday in Florida or New York or Brazil or Australia or China.  If we want to visit a place and spend time there, we’ll make the effort.  We might have to be a bit more organised and it might take a bit longer but we’d do it.  I visited Russia before Glasnost, it was a pain in the arse and some of the inflight aeroplanes looked like they were held together with safety pins, but I went!  I went because it was a beautiful country, even with the armed police on every street corner. It had some amazing people.  One in particular that will always stay in my mind is the lady that looked after our carriage on the overnight train we took. She couldn’t speak a word of English but allowed us to sit in her little cabin and shared her ‘lunch’ with us while we shared what we had, which was basically wine and chocolate; she was awesome!

So, so far the arguments for employment and travel haven’t swayed me to stay.  Neither have they swayed me to leave.

What else?  Oh yes, the EU can keep an eye on our Government!  As in it can protect us from stupid decisions!  Really?  Erm, I site Bedroom Tax, refused PIP for the most vulnerable of our society, lack of pensions and the fact that our Gov has temporary (as in permanently because we, the public, will more than likely forget and it’ll stay in place) lifted the ban on the use of neonicotinoid pesticides (which some say is killing our bees).  Has the EU stepped in? No!  The UN did, briefly, over the treatment of the disabled, but that seems to have died a death (as have many disabled people who have been refused PIP and decided that committing suicide was more preferably than slowly starving to death).  So, to me, on the things that truly matter to me, the ‘man’ on the street, they have done bugger all to keep our Gov in check.

People have mentioned trade to me and if we leave we’d probably lose our car production factories as they belong to China and they won’t want to pay the taxes.  This would also mean we would have to pay more for our tech.  Well, I don’t drive, so I’m not bothered about getting a car and I’m sorry, but paying a bit more for tech wouldn’t be a bad thing.  It might stop the throwaway society that we currently have.  You know the one where everything is still working perfectly, but we chuck it away just because there is a new one in a different colour. FFS!  So, nope, trade isn’t doing it for me either.

On reflection, since 1973 when I was just 10 and couldn’t vote and wouldn’t have understood the impact that joining would have as I was outside climbing trees, pretending my bicycle was a horse (including tying a rope to the handlebars and riding it like that – health and safety anyone?) and scrumping apples from the farm down the road (that, by the way, isn’t there anymore and is a housing estate instead), I haven’t actually seen an improvement in this country.  Like I’ve already said, I could walk from one job to another and continued to do that even after college had finished and there always seemed to be a choice of jobs I could apply for unlike today. People still travel to places with or without the need for paperwork.  The NHS is still there, although you might have to wait six months to a year for an operation in which time you could have died. We don’t have a state pension to look forward to or, if we do, it will mean we have to choose between heating and food.  We have foodbanks everywhere which we never had before.  We used to have university grants, now they are thinking of stopping them; bad enough that we are currently supposed to pay them back!  What happened to education being free? The list goes on, but so am I so I want to wind this down.

I’m not saying that leaving with make things better and I’m not saying that staying will either (as it appears that it hasn’t done much being in so far) and I’m not sure if the downturn in our predicament isn’t just the fallout from Maggie’s money obsessed government (that’s another story) rather than the fact we joined the EU.  To be honest, I’m currently more interested in having a government of our own that I trust and respect rather than belonging to someone else’s over-lording one.  I personally couldn’t give a flying fig about Brussels and what they are up to when our own Gov is driving people into an early grave.  But, I suppose I have to as it’s my son’s future, not mine, that I need to be worried about.

Perhaps, as in general elections there should be a box with ‘none of the above’ next to it, there should be a box with ‘don’t care as it makes diddly squat difference to me’ next to it for the EU referendum.  I can see me, unless someone comes up with a corking argument, going eeny, meeny, miney, mo on the 23^rd.

GOOD TIMES AND A WEIRD PANIC ATTACK

Oh dear, have had a funny couple of weeks and an extremely odd panic attack.

But starting on a good note; had a fab day out for my birthday with my daughter taking a trip down to Rochester for the day, including my first Dickens Festival.  Was nowhere near as busy as I expected and, to be honest, a bit disappointing on the Dickens front, although did see a fair few fab steampunk costumes.  We started off with breakfast in the café before catching the train to Rochester. Then a wander round the shops, stalls and flea market before having coffee and cake in Bruno’s which, I’m happy to report does, at least one, gluten free option.

Got spoilt rotten in Hometown and home to fish pie (my favourite) cooked by my partner.

Staying with the birthday treats; had another breakfast bought for me by a friend on Tuesday and a good catch up as we hadn’t seen each other for a fair while.

This past weekend was the pub reunion which was awesome.  Loads of people, we packed out the pub, good company (some of whom I hadn’t seen for 30 years) and brilliant music.

This week, I’ve been really tired as the dog wasn’t well over the weekend and kept me up most of Sunday night and I don’t think I’ve really caught up.  Probably because of this, I had a huge panic attack, which was totally stupid and pointless and bizarre, about the up and coming trip to Glastonbury Festival.  Woke up at 4am with thoughts of not being able to pitch the tent due to space, having to put it up in the dark, losing my granddaughter because we were struggling with the tent and all such ridiculous things that, at the time, seemed monumental but after much thought were just mental without the monu!

I think I’m being far too hard on myself and am probably trying to be responsible for everything, including people’s enjoyment, which is ridiculous!  I’m sure half of it is due to having had sixteen years of being totally responsible for someone’s ability to cope and having to have planned, with military precision, every trip we’ve ever done (taking into account all eventualities and worst case scenarios as my son was a ‘runner’ when small).  It’s a hard habit to break, but I must break it.

I think if I was going by myself I wouldn’t be feeling anywhere near as stressed which seems odd when I think about it as I would have thought it would make it worse being by myself. But, having done a lot more by myself recently and enjoying it because I’ve not had to feel responsible for anyone but me, the relief of not having to worry about anyone has been rather liberating.  So when I am with someone I revert back to the worrying and the feeling that I need to be in control so that, should anything go wrong, I’ll be able to deal with it straight away rather than just accepting that something has gone wrong and going with the flow.

Anyway, I’m ok at the moment and, to be honest, I’m looking forward to it although I have no idea what my plans are re seeing any bands.  Before then, however, I’ve got my son’s birthday today, a day trip out planned next week and a weekend full of my granddaughter’s birthday party next Saturday and our family Nerf War’s day next Sunday.  This weekend C is off with his dad tomorrow to a model railway show and we are off to Fuse Festival in Rochester on Sunday; busy, busy, busy.  Which is probably a good thing, ha ha; maybe it’ll stop me from having ‘over the top’ stresses.

Cya

Dapper Gent 

Butterfly Ladies (also seen at ComicCon)

FEELING DISCONNECTED!

Hi all, sorry not written, it's been a weird couple of weeks with regard to the virtual world.  I avoided as much as I could the week after the election due to my total disbelief that the Torys got in and the subsequent panic attacks and depression that followed.  I wanted to distance myself from everyone's anger, posts, comments, worries and outrage as I was feeling very delicate myself and didn't want to spiral and I certainly didn't want to blog in that state as I felt I'd done all that already.

A few weeks on and there is still disbelief and outrage on places like Facebook, but I'm now in that state of mind that it's a bit like closing the gate after the horse has bolted.  I know all of those that are still raging didn't vote them in, but enough now please.  It's happened!  Apart from assasination and/or attempting to do our bit by signed petitions, there really isn't anything we can do about it now and, to be honest, assasination won't help as another bugger from the same party will just step up. We had our say and others voted wrongly, whether by choice or tactical voting, they are in and we have to deal with it.  So please, please stop posting.  Please, please can we have something more positive, something uplifting, something funny to brighten the dark days that we now have to endure for the next 5 years.  Yes, sorry to remind you, but we have 5 more years of this and I dread to think about what the state of this country will be in by the end of it.

I've withdrawn a bit for the moment.  I'm not in the mood to socialise and I'm trying desparately to get everything paid off or necessities bought before the dreaded day when my money will, probably, stop.  Perhaps I'm just practicing ;-)  I do have a few things with my son planned and I do have Glastonbury to look forward to, luckily paid now and, after kind donations at Xmas and up and coming birthday, I should have some spending money (even if it's only enough to feed myself and provide myself with tea), but I must admit that in my head, the calendar stops at the end of July.  After that I'm in no man's land with regard to plans, money, my son's education, etc.  Won't know until at least then if we are safe for another year or we're holed up indoors for the next however many until either he's old enough and confident enough and able to get himself a job and/or I am capable of finding one that fits in with my pain threshold.

STOP!  I'm off again and that isn't what I'm supposed to be doing.

Decided I'm just going to add some photos that cheer me up and start to do what I want other's to do - be a bit more positive.

My gorgeous kids and grandchild with The Gruffalo

A lucky spot whilst at Fort Horsted

Cheeky Chappy at Heligan

Me and my longest known mates at Hever

Pig!  Just because

Plate spinning (yes I really was)

Natural History Museum Butterflies

Sweet little things, cunningly hidden

Cya

TALKING OF THIS MORNING!!!

http://www.gravesendreporter.co.uk/news/exclusive_compulsory_abortion_for_down_s_syndrome_foetuses_says_ukip_kent_candidate_1_1745952

This is disgraceful!!!  Where will it end?

On the one hand I can see that he's using the 'drain on the NHS'/'burden on the state' card and there will be a lot of people who agree with it, BUT....

Do we then:
Refuse NHS treatment for alcohol/drug abuse or treatment for injuries associated with said alcohol/drug abuse.
Refuse NHS treatment for people who have 'stupidly' inserted objects where they shouldn't have,
Refuse NHS treatment for people who've had an accident when they've been a bit clumsy; do you classify an old person who has fallen down the stairs as accidental or their own fault as they should know that they aren't good at going up or down stairs at their age.  Who decides this?
Euthanise all long term ill patients.

Do we then:
Sterilise all mentally ill patients,
Sterilise the long term unemployed; after all any children that they have whilst receiving benefit is a 'burden on the state' as 'we', the public are paying their extra benefits.
Abort all children that have any disability that can be shown up.
Euthanise all infants that are born disabled.

Do we bring back the death penalty for major offenses?
Do we sterilise all repeat offenders?
Do we euthanise all repeat offenders?

What the hell, why don't we just stick all the unemployed, all the immigrants, all the criminals and all the disabled up against a wall and shoot the lot of them. There!  Drains sorted.  Burdens sorted.


I know that this seems excessive.  I know that it seems extreme.  And, I might add, I don't agree with it. But, remember, it starts with something small, it starts with something that was never acceptable before to be acceptable now and it will get worse.  It will slowly seep through the cracks and before you know it we're in a Hitler State, where only those 'humans' that those in power deem to be 'correct' will exist and everyone else is DEAD!

Cya (again)....or maybe you won't; depends on who gets in!

REGULAR WRITING IS HARD

Hiya folks; see I told you I'm crap at updating :-)

To be honest, I'm finding it difficult to post as I don't think most things are interesting enough and I don't want to get into the habit of 'Monday I did this', 'Tuesday I did this' or 'I've eaten this today', you get the picture.

If something has annoyed me or cheered me up no end, that's different, but how often in life does that happen?  I mean really happen?  I'm not talking about finding positive in every day, that's normally pretty easy.  My son getting up and saying 'hi' is positive, my dog looking up expectantly for his morning biscuits is positive, drinking my cup of tea by myself in the quiet is positive.  All those little things that you are supposed to look at, if you have depression like me, are easy peasy and trying not to dwell on negative things like stupid comments from your partner or news items that you think are truely unbelievable in this so called modern world is also easy.

What I'm talking about is those 'blow your mind' moments of pure, ecstatic, happiness or 'gobsmacking' moments of sheer surprise or, even, 'what the fuck?' moments of totally and utter disbelief or anger.  Those moments are rare and sporadic; they have to be otherwise they wouldn't 'blow your mind', be 'gobsmacking' or make you want to say 'what the fuck?'.  Imagine living a life that was full of those moments.  For starters that probably would wear a bit thin after a while and wouldn't be quite so awe expiring and if they didn't become a bit 'dull', you'd be exhausted emotionally from dealing with them.

So blogs, columns, diaries or whatever you choose to write or read become a bit mundane after a while.  Trying to constantly think of something interesting to say is tiring, it's hard, it's damn near impossible on a consistant basis and is probably why novellists tend to bring out only one good book every two or three years and hats off to proffesional columnists and bloggers, that's what I say.

If this is the case, then why am I writing today?  Well, an old teacher of mine said that to write, you must write!  Sounds stupid and pretty obvious, but it's true.  I had no idea on what I was going to write today, but I've decided that every Monday (we'll see how long it lasts) I will write a blog, so I opened up my page, clicked new post and sat here.  Didn't know what to say, so, as in when I couldn't think of what to do for some homework that was given to me on a writing course I wrote a poem about why I couldn't think of what to do for the homework, I've written about why I can't always write on a regular basis.  What has that meant?  Well, I've written; a reasonable amount to be honest.  It might not be awe inspiring, it might not be well written, but at least it isn't 'Monday, I did this' or 'I ate this over the weekend'.

Cya

Not exactly the best photo in the world, but 'first blossoms on the plum tree' taken this morning

IT DEPENDS ON THE WEATHER

Okay, new year and new resolutions?  Nah, as I'm hopeless at them; making them and keeping them.  So I'm not going to promise that I'll keep this up, I will probably not write it every day/week/month, but I will write when I feel up to it or because I want to.

So, update!  Been on antidepressants for a while, but am now off them.  Not by doctor's orders I might add, but accidentally.  I knew I was running short, so took the final couple of weeks as one every other day as getting to the doctors wasn't going to be an easy thing to fit in and I'm supposed to have had an appointment anyway.  So, finally managed to get to docs, went in, only to be turned away as they were having a monthly meeting and no-one was allowed in!!!!!  Popped prescription repeat request into box and hoped for the best.  A few days later, I called the docs for an appointment only to discover that I couldn't get one for 3 weeks!!!!!!!  Unless an emergency one of course, which meant ringing in the morning for a morning appointment or the afternoon for an afternoon one.  The latter is something I never understand especially as I'd rung at 11am.  Surely they would have known by then if there was an afternoon appointment available.  Hate their stupid system, almost as much as I hate the fact that all doctor practices in the building have automatic sign in for appointments on a little computer screen except mine.  Screen never seems to be working, so you have to queue up just to tell the receptionist, who is invariably on the phone or chatting to a patient, that you've arrived. Hrumph!!  I digress. So realising that I couldn't get an appointment I went on my merry way through life until I suddenly realised a week later that I hadn't picked up the prescription.  By this point I'd been out of tablets for two weeks and as I wasn't feeling too bad and that I was also skint, I decided not to bother picking the damn thing up and spending £8.05 for something that I might not need anymore (what is it with the 5p?  A nice round £8 would be preferrable).  So here I am, not on tablets, not feeling too bad and awaiting another week before doc gets back from wherever he may be so I can make an appointment.

During this time of being half off and completely off tablets, I've also noticed how much the weather affects me!  Take yesterday.  Sunny day, although cold, was up early as having guttering man coming to clean out the gutters (obviously) and the downpipe.  I managed to get so much done yesterday and I felt amazing doing it.  Thought to myself, "this is it, the answer to everything, get up extra early and spend the day doing 'stuff'."  But no!  Today, I'm tired, miserable (although that has more to do with hearing some pretty awful news about a very close friend), I can't be bothered to go out and I want to curl up on sofa.  Why?  Because the weather is dark, dingy and miserable too!  So I'm not depressed, I'm just weather dependant.

Although now I've said that I must add that I actually was depressed when I first started taken the little pills of joy.  I hated everything and pretty much couldn't stand most people either.  That has changed, but I have realised that it's me that had to change.  I had to realise that there are some people you have to spell everything out to; you have to explain it all, give them instructions and tell them when you want it done by.  They, then, happily get on with it, throwing themselves into it with full enthusiam and the job gets done to a fab standard.  I wish it didn't have to be that way; I wish they could think for themselves, get on with stuff that is obvious to me and be enthusiastic about sorting it out in the first place, but no, that isn't going to happen.  So I've accepted that I have to be 'mum' to a man who is a year older than me and tell him what I want him to do and if I can't get him to do it, I'll have to pay a man who can and then reclaim the money back after a small arguement of "I asked you. No you didn't. Yes I did! Well I couldn't do it due to xyz or I was going to do it later (which of course is never). But it needed doing now!  Well it's done now so how much?" As to everyone else, I need to shut up and let them get on with it.

Well, that's tablets update, me update, me having another moan, me curling up on sofa writing this instead of actually doing something, although I did just nip off an put the spuds in the oven (rosemary and garlic flavoured mini roasties; son's favourite) and me signing off as I can't be bothered to write any more.

Cya

LONG LIVE THE DOMESTIC CHIEF EXECUTIVE

After having done quite a few surveys over the last few weeks and having to go through the same initial process on each one where it asks age, sex (yes please), job status and salary, I’ve begun to wonder about how the status of Housewife (or worse, Not Working for any other Reason and please note it never says Househusband; come on guys, I’m beginning to think that they think lower of you than they do of us) should be renamed/reassessed.

Let’s face it, the world around us is constantly being renamed; benefits get called different things with each reassessment and government (amongst other things), pubs and clubs get renamed to try and attract better clientele (even though that rarely if ever works), even countries and cities get renamed (look at St Petersburg verses Leningrad), so isn’t it about time that the status of Housewife gets an overhaul.

In the 40s, 50s being a housewife was something that most women aspired to; admittedly it may have been their only choice as married women working wasn’t looked upon as being appropriate. 

Then we had the women’s liberation movement and suddenly it was ok for women to work (and get equal pay); we begun having a choice.  We could go to university, become business women, run our own corporation, even become prime minister; go us. 

But nowadays we don’t appear to have a choice, we are expected to work. To be honest we kind of have to if we are to maintain the lifestyle that we are supposed to want; a mortgage, holiday abroad, fast car, nannies or child-minders (what happened to raising your own child?), etc, etc.  ‘Housewife’ has become a dirty word, even amongst a lot of women.  I cannot count the amount of times a women has asked me what I do and when I’ve replied ‘I’m a mum and housewife’ has answered with a disdainful look and a sarcastic ‘really? Don’t you want a career?’

Actually, I have a career you stuck up cow!  I have a bloody hard career!  I’m responsible for part of the next generation; I’m raising it with the entire moral, rights and wrongs and behavioural lessons to teach that are required to live and work within the big wide world out there.  I manage a household; the day to day running, the finances, the comings and the goings.  I organise birthdays, Christmas’, holidays and days out and I'm responsible for paying them.  I sort out all the utilities, including the telephoning if there is a problem.  I also have the added responsibility of home educating (admittedly my choice although, with my son’s Asperger’s, school just didn’t work), so I organise timetables, project work, liaise with outside educational organisations, mark and assess work and speak to medical professionals about his needs.

In addition I have a life!  Amazingly I have a social life, with other women (and occasionally men) who have also chosen to recognise that the raising of their children and the running of their household is a career.

I’m a nurse, a teacher, a referee, a liaison officer, a secretary, a manager, a financial consultant, an accountant, a gardener, a cook, a shoulder to cry on, a moral and social mentor; the list goes on.

So, after all of this, I’m suggesting that we are no longer called housewives or househusbands, we are domestic managers; actually we are chief executives of our own business with as many ‘staff’ as we have partners and children and pets.

We have chosen this career!  It is an important career!  We have not chosen to pass our responsibilities of parenting or household running to others; we are doing it ourselves.

Do not look down on us!  We are Domestic Chief Executives!!  Ner!  Ya boo sucks to you and your ‘careers’ (although if that is your choice, fair play to you).

Long live the Domestic Chief Executive! Any chance of a raise?

Cya

EEEK! IT'S BEEN A MONTH AND I FEEL A BIT DIFFERENT

Hello all, I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything and I’m wondering if that is a good thing or a bad thing? Time just seems to be flying.

I admit, I’ve had some ups and some downs, but that is to be expected. I’ve also had quiet weeks and busy weeks; I can’t say whether one type of week has been better than another, because they haven’t, so I know that being at home being able to potter is no different from having to be out and about doing stuff. I do know that whatever is going on, it’s in my head and isn’t really in the world around me. At least I’m not paranoid, haha.

So how have I been? After going to Miranda, which was extremely funny although I secretly panicked about getting the train home on time, and going to see Russell Howard, which was hilarious although I secretly panicked about the seats we had due to them being high up and the ceiling in the Albert Hall is ‘miles’ away and my son hates both heights and high ceilings and the train journey home included packed tubes which my son also is a bit wary of, I had a couple of weeks of being reasonably quiet apart from feeding my daughter’s cats whilst she was away and going swimming with the kids (with me sitting on the side drinking tea).  I cancelled a few things during those weeks as I truly did not feel up to doing things especially evening things. In other words, during that couple of weeks I learnt to say NO! Well, I almost did as I still should have said no to a couple of other things but didn’t, but at least it was a start.

Then I had a week of, what seemed like, hell.  Actually it wasn’t as bad as that, but my brain was all over the place and I seemed to have one day of feeling great then a day of feeling crap where all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep.  I had friends round, went bowling with the kids, had two lots of trampoline lessons to take my son to and had his hair cut.  I ended up cancelling a night out as I was knackered and hot and really couldn’t be bothered to rush about getting myself some dinner, having a shower and then spending the next half hour standing in front of the wardrobe screaming in my head that I had nothing to wear.  I’d like to point out that I do have stuff to wear; I have clothes in my wardrobe.  I have a couple of pairs of trousers, several skirts, leggings, a few dresses and several tops, but I’m at that stage where I hate it all.  I’m disliking my body with its lumps, bumps (or should I say boulders when referring to a particular part(s) of my anatomy) and rolls and everything I put on makes me feel like a weeble; now showing my age and if no-one knows what a weeble is, I suggest you google it. I want to go out and buy new underwear and new clothes, but I don’t even think that would help as a) I have no money to do so anyway, b) I probably wouldn’t find anything I like, c) none of it would fit me properly, d) I’d look shit in it and e) I have no money anyway or have I already said that? So the week ended on the Friday with me curled up on the sofa and thinking ‘phew, got through another week and parts were ok and I survived the rest’.

Then on the Saturday I discovered a new hobby!  I went off to a friend’s house and had the most fun I’d had for ages.  I’d discovered crazy quilting!  Look it up, can’t be bothered to explain, but it’s fun, silly and a great way of using up scraps.  We were both like school girls discovering make up for the first time; squealing every time we put another bit in and ironed it flat.  It was stupid, but who cared; we were having fun and I loved it.  Since then, however, I haven’t managed to get onto the damn sewing machine to continue with it, but I will.

Last week was probably the busiest week so far and it wasn’t helped by the Bank Holiday as it meant He Who I Shall Not Continue To Name was off an extra day. Although he did use that extra day to continue to watch NCIS which he is trying to get up to date with me on (he’s on series 5, I’m on series 10), so between doing computer stuff I rewatched some of those; at least it wasn’t radio 5 Live.

Then it was Dockyard for Julia Donaldson Exhibition with son, daughter and granddaughter which was actually a rather lovely afternoon out with me falling asleep on the sofa pretty much as soon as I got home. Vikings at the British Museum with home ed friends which was also a good afternoon out with me, again, falling asleep on the sofa once home.  Trampolining and friends back for tea and cake and then a day off where I recovered some strength and chilled out a bit partly due to having a stonking headache and feeling shit.  Not a bad week emotionally, but I think I was just too tired to notice.  Tablets I’m taking seem to allow me to sleep all night, but I’m left waking up groggy and braindead in the morning, so it’s taking me longer to ‘get together’.

This week has been fantastic! Why? Well, it will be interesting to see how next week turns out. Why again? Two things!

1) I visited docs on Monday for update, we had a fab chat and I think I definitely got my 10mins worth of appointment.  We talked about my son’s transition to college even though it’s still a year away and about my worries about his DLA which also comes up for renewal in a year’s time. I know they are both a year away, but a year goes so quick and I’m concerned about both hugely.  If he doesn’t get his DLA and I lose my Carers Allowance, I have no idea what we will do financially.  I’m worried that PIP which is to replace DLA will not be as much or will be limited and I might still lose Carers.  I’m concerned about him going to college; not because I don’t think he could do the work, he could, but because of the situation, the people, the crowds, etc, but I’m also worried about what happens if he doesn’t get it.  I told my doc that I know that all people worry about this and their kids transition and he replied that ‘yes, they do, but you do have a bit extra to deal with than most’ which I actually found very reassuring and I wanted to give him a hug. Oh and he’s doubled my dose of tablets.

2) He Who I Will Not Name Again worked late shift this week.  It meant that, although he didn’t leave home until 9.15am, he didn’t GET home until 7.15pm.  It meant I had all day, ALL DAY, to do stuff and I did.  I baked, I cooked, I caught up with washing, I actually did some housework, I could stop and rest when I needed to rather than keep going and ending up in agony because I had a time limit, I washed up loads instead of leaving it to fester, I hung washing on the line, I went shopping and I still spent time with my son and took him to trampolining and had friends round and I also went out in one evening!  Yep, I managed to get myself out in the dark; admittedly only to the cinema where I obviously didn’t have to ‘dress up’, but still, it’s the first time I’ve wanted to go out in the evening for ages.  Woo Hoo.

So, I’m now up to date.  I’m on more tablets, but to be honest I feel better.  However, I don’t know whether that is tablets or the fact I’ve had so much more time to do stuff in this week.  As I’ve said, next week will be the decider as HWIWNN is back to earlies.

Cya

WEDNESDAY 2ND APRIL - DOWNTURN, EEEK

Oh dear, that didn't go too well.  Thought I'd have a nice laze in the bath, but just as I started to relax, the brain went into gear.  Was thinking about what I need to do this week and what I was looking forward to and what I wasn't:

Thursday:  All good. *smiley face* Ah, must remember to get up and sweep the house through and the fireplace and shelves need a good dusting. Oh and ensure C is up so we can watch Grimm before E turns up *not so smiley face* .

Friday: All set to get started on a cake that I have commissioned *smiley face* Must get to Aldi and buy some chocolate and a couple of other bits *still smiley face*  Oh, what if they haven't got the choc I want?  Must remember to go to Wilkos on way home and check out some new tins while I'm at it. Oh, and don't forget to ring the PC man about the installer programme and must remember to do the monitoring in the garden with C.  Suddenly Friday isn't looking as calm and collected as I first thought *smiley face waning a bit*

Never mind as Saturday is sort of free in the day.  So anything not done Friday can be done on Saturday *smiley face back*, but then I'm going to have to kick 'other half' out of the kitchen *smiley face starting to look a bit worried* but I've got the quiz night to look forward to in the evening.  Oh, but that means going out, that means getting dressed and, bugger, can't have a drink with the tablets I'm on and what if people don't turn up and what if I make an idiot of myself.  Oh, whatever, it'll be a laugh.  *still smiley face even after tiny hiccup* Must remember, however, that;

Sunday: Babysitting for the day.  That's fine.  If weather nice might go out, if not so good, may go in the garden and there's always indoors with a DVD if necessary.  I know I'll be knackered, but *smiley face*

These thoughts then brought me to next week where I've got the cake to do and I'm panicing about whether it'll get done, be ok, work and that they'll like it.  I'm hoping no disturbances, that home ed will get done and I'll still have time, that my back and hips won't hurt too much.  Now I'm not saying I don't want to do it; I do, I really do, but this is what runs around my head.  Then of course I'm off to London on the Friday and the Saturday, so I'm thinking about train times, whether C will still want to go on Friday, will I be able to get him up in time, will he be moody, will I be moody, making sure money is there and I remember to take it out, whether my hip will be killing me by then and that I won't be expected to walk too much on the Friday and that Saturday the seats will be comfortable.

And the list goes on!  In the end I thought I might as well get out of the bath and come downstairs as it certainly wasn't turning into the relaxing bath I was hoping for.  I wanted to get downstairs and write this out before I forget.

I'm not saying that all of this stuff doesn't go around everyone's head in one way, shape or form, it must do and I'm not looking for sympathy as I know there are busier people out there who work wonders.  All I'm saying is I wish my damn brain would switch off occasionally and give me a break.  I'm now thinking that 'I can't wait for the next two weeks to be over'.  Crazy thought as 99% of what I'm doing I really want to do, but my brain is working overdrive to the point where it just wants to stop and have nothing to do. Really brain, you think that that is going to happen?  Get a grip and stop whinging. *winks*

I HATE TECHNOLOGY!!! WELL AT LEAST WHEN IT ISN'T WORKING PROPERLY.

Oh dear!  It's another one of those days again today.  Actually it started yesterday and is continuing this morning.

Callum has been doing a game programming course with Digipen over past few weeks and is really enjoying it.  However, we did have a lot of problems uploading the software and a few teething probs, but we got it sorted and he's been really enjoying it.  His homework for the past week has been to design his own game, adding sound, using the skills he's learnt so far.

Anyway, he did that.  Knew once he's actually thought of one that wasn't going to use skills too far along in the course, it wouldn't take him long to do and it didn't.  BUT when he came to run it, it wouldn't work!  In fact nothing he'd done so far would work!  Turns out that the Digipen software we've been using doesn't like Java updates and as we have have one over the past couple of weeks, it's buggered everything up.  Grrrr!

Solution to this problem?  Unload the version of Digipen we've been using and download a new version! Why?  Can't you just sort it out your end?  Obviously not!  So after having a couple of problems with downloading (as we did originally) we've now managed to get the new version BUT we now have to reregister as it isn't recognising us because its new software!  Grrrrrrrrrr!  FFS!  PLUS we can't update Java until we've finished the course just in case it mucks it up again.  Solution?  They are going to try and work away from Java completely.  If it wasn't for the fact that Callum is really enjoying the course, I'd tell them to stuff it!  Can't believe that a supposedly well established course has had so many problems with its software. I know that we are a trial group for home educators and that the course is normally run through colleges, but this is pretty ridiculous!  Hey ho!

Then this morning, to cap it all, apart from waking up at 4.30am for the second day in a row,  I couldn't connect to the internet as my stupid internet connection decided to have a funny and say it was there when it wasn't and then saying it wasn't there when it was!  Had to shut everything down completely and restart twice before it decided to behave!

So basically I'm extremely aggrieved by technology at the moment!  Grrrrr!

Off to make another cuppa!
Cya