ANXIETY Vs DEPRESSION: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

I want to start by saying that I’ve just had a fab weekend.  Yup, really!

Friday my son and I met up with some friends and went to Margate.  Initially it was supposed to be a visit to the Turner Gallery for an exhibition and a wander round before heading off to the beach for a laze, look at the sea and meet up with some other friends of ours that live there.  On a bit of a reconnaissance check a couple of days before, I’d discovered that, although the exhibition we wanted to see was open, the rest of the gallery was shut. ‘Fine’ my friend said, ‘let’s still go’, so we did.

We get there; the weather is great, not too hot, and not too cold.  We walked to the gallery and, although the exhibition was on, it wasn’t functioning (it was supposed to be cymbals, which you could ‘play’) as there was a conference going on and they didn’t want the sound to interfere. Hrumph!!  This isn’t good.  So I decide to find out about the Shell Grotto as haven’t been since The Boy was small; it’s open, we go, its fab!  Then back to the beach, later than anticipated, to meet up, briefly, with said local friends. What could have been a disastrous day turned out quite good. Phew!

Then Saturday I went off on my ownsie to Comic Con at Excel Centre, London!  Was so nice not to have to worry about anyone else’s stresses, anxieties, wants and not wants; I left home when I was ready, I did what I wanted to do, attended whatever talks I fancied and I came home when I was ready.  Lovely!

Sunday; I pretty much slept all day and caught up with telly in between snoozes.

Monday I should have woken up refreshed, but noooooooo!!  I’d had trouble getting to sleep Sunday night (fair enough as I’d slept off and on for most of the day) and I woke up at 6am!  Wide awake, but not really with it; mentally gone, but physically hyper active; so spent all day pottering about cleaning, washing, hanging said washing out to dry, dusting, sorting and catching up with the odd prog I didn’t manage to watch the day before.  Went to bed at a reasonable hour, for me, and slept well.

Expected to wake up feeling gooooooood; I didn’t!  Today I am still tired, but I’m not only mentally tired, I’m physically tired too; I could quite happily have the day at home doing a bit more tidying up, having a lovely soak in the bath and generally taking it easy.  I can’t!  It’s private trampolining for The Boy today and, because we are already out, it’ll be a trip to the library to return a book, Subway for late lunch, passport photos for me as I’m running out of time to get an ID card for Glasto and another trip into the bank to take money from The Boy’s book account to pay directly into my credit card as his telly blew yesterday.

Now I know that isn’t a lot, I know that, actually, that’s a pretty easy day, but I’m getting sick of it all.  I’m fed up with organising anything and everything, I’m totally stressing about money, I was stressed all yesterday in case he ‘blew’ his new telly because of some miss-wiring in his computer (he built it and so far all is well) and, because I’m stressed, my brain keeps returning to the dreaded renewal of DLA which still hasn’t dropped through my door yet! Aaargh! I’m beginning to feel like those kids at school that, by the middle of July, are just desperate for the term to end and the summer holidays to begin. I want it all to stop!

I’m wondering if I’m depressed again; symptoms like being tired, erratic sleeping, feeling brain dead, not wanting to face things, etc are here again.  But, I do want to go out, even if it is mainly by myself. I do want to get dressed and take care of myself so I don’t think I’m depressed.  I’m just anxious.  I’m just stressed.  Hence the title of this blog; Anxiety vs Depression: What’s the Difference?  I must look into it!

Cya

FEELING DISCONNECTED!

Hi all, sorry not written, it's been a weird couple of weeks with regard to the virtual world.  I avoided as much as I could the week after the election due to my total disbelief that the Torys got in and the subsequent panic attacks and depression that followed.  I wanted to distance myself from everyone's anger, posts, comments, worries and outrage as I was feeling very delicate myself and didn't want to spiral and I certainly didn't want to blog in that state as I felt I'd done all that already.

A few weeks on and there is still disbelief and outrage on places like Facebook, but I'm now in that state of mind that it's a bit like closing the gate after the horse has bolted.  I know all of those that are still raging didn't vote them in, but enough now please.  It's happened!  Apart from assasination and/or attempting to do our bit by signed petitions, there really isn't anything we can do about it now and, to be honest, assasination won't help as another bugger from the same party will just step up. We had our say and others voted wrongly, whether by choice or tactical voting, they are in and we have to deal with it.  So please, please stop posting.  Please, please can we have something more positive, something uplifting, something funny to brighten the dark days that we now have to endure for the next 5 years.  Yes, sorry to remind you, but we have 5 more years of this and I dread to think about what the state of this country will be in by the end of it.

I've withdrawn a bit for the moment.  I'm not in the mood to socialise and I'm trying desparately to get everything paid off or necessities bought before the dreaded day when my money will, probably, stop.  Perhaps I'm just practicing ;-)  I do have a few things with my son planned and I do have Glastonbury to look forward to, luckily paid now and, after kind donations at Xmas and up and coming birthday, I should have some spending money (even if it's only enough to feed myself and provide myself with tea), but I must admit that in my head, the calendar stops at the end of July.  After that I'm in no man's land with regard to plans, money, my son's education, etc.  Won't know until at least then if we are safe for another year or we're holed up indoors for the next however many until either he's old enough and confident enough and able to get himself a job and/or I am capable of finding one that fits in with my pain threshold.

STOP!  I'm off again and that isn't what I'm supposed to be doing.

Decided I'm just going to add some photos that cheer me up and start to do what I want other's to do - be a bit more positive.

My gorgeous kids and grandchild with The Gruffalo

A lucky spot whilst at Fort Horsted

Cheeky Chappy at Heligan

Me and my longest known mates at Hever

Pig!  Just because

Plate spinning (yes I really was)

Natural History Museum Butterflies

Sweet little things, cunningly hidden

Cya

TALKING OF THIS MORNING!!!

http://www.gravesendreporter.co.uk/news/exclusive_compulsory_abortion_for_down_s_syndrome_foetuses_says_ukip_kent_candidate_1_1745952

This is disgraceful!!!  Where will it end?

On the one hand I can see that he's using the 'drain on the NHS'/'burden on the state' card and there will be a lot of people who agree with it, BUT....

Do we then:
Refuse NHS treatment for alcohol/drug abuse or treatment for injuries associated with said alcohol/drug abuse.
Refuse NHS treatment for people who have 'stupidly' inserted objects where they shouldn't have,
Refuse NHS treatment for people who've had an accident when they've been a bit clumsy; do you classify an old person who has fallen down the stairs as accidental or their own fault as they should know that they aren't good at going up or down stairs at their age.  Who decides this?
Euthanise all long term ill patients.

Do we then:
Sterilise all mentally ill patients,
Sterilise the long term unemployed; after all any children that they have whilst receiving benefit is a 'burden on the state' as 'we', the public are paying their extra benefits.
Abort all children that have any disability that can be shown up.
Euthanise all infants that are born disabled.

Do we bring back the death penalty for major offenses?
Do we sterilise all repeat offenders?
Do we euthanise all repeat offenders?

What the hell, why don't we just stick all the unemployed, all the immigrants, all the criminals and all the disabled up against a wall and shoot the lot of them. There!  Drains sorted.  Burdens sorted.


I know that this seems excessive.  I know that it seems extreme.  And, I might add, I don't agree with it. But, remember, it starts with something small, it starts with something that was never acceptable before to be acceptable now and it will get worse.  It will slowly seep through the cracks and before you know it we're in a Hitler State, where only those 'humans' that those in power deem to be 'correct' will exist and everyone else is DEAD!

Cya (again)....or maybe you won't; depends on who gets in!

REGULAR WRITING IS HARD

Hiya folks; see I told you I'm crap at updating :-)

To be honest, I'm finding it difficult to post as I don't think most things are interesting enough and I don't want to get into the habit of 'Monday I did this', 'Tuesday I did this' or 'I've eaten this today', you get the picture.

If something has annoyed me or cheered me up no end, that's different, but how often in life does that happen?  I mean really happen?  I'm not talking about finding positive in every day, that's normally pretty easy.  My son getting up and saying 'hi' is positive, my dog looking up expectantly for his morning biscuits is positive, drinking my cup of tea by myself in the quiet is positive.  All those little things that you are supposed to look at, if you have depression like me, are easy peasy and trying not to dwell on negative things like stupid comments from your partner or news items that you think are truely unbelievable in this so called modern world is also easy.

What I'm talking about is those 'blow your mind' moments of pure, ecstatic, happiness or 'gobsmacking' moments of sheer surprise or, even, 'what the fuck?' moments of totally and utter disbelief or anger.  Those moments are rare and sporadic; they have to be otherwise they wouldn't 'blow your mind', be 'gobsmacking' or make you want to say 'what the fuck?'.  Imagine living a life that was full of those moments.  For starters that probably would wear a bit thin after a while and wouldn't be quite so awe expiring and if they didn't become a bit 'dull', you'd be exhausted emotionally from dealing with them.

So blogs, columns, diaries or whatever you choose to write or read become a bit mundane after a while.  Trying to constantly think of something interesting to say is tiring, it's hard, it's damn near impossible on a consistant basis and is probably why novellists tend to bring out only one good book every two or three years and hats off to proffesional columnists and bloggers, that's what I say.

If this is the case, then why am I writing today?  Well, an old teacher of mine said that to write, you must write!  Sounds stupid and pretty obvious, but it's true.  I had no idea on what I was going to write today, but I've decided that every Monday (we'll see how long it lasts) I will write a blog, so I opened up my page, clicked new post and sat here.  Didn't know what to say, so, as in when I couldn't think of what to do for some homework that was given to me on a writing course I wrote a poem about why I couldn't think of what to do for the homework, I've written about why I can't always write on a regular basis.  What has that meant?  Well, I've written; a reasonable amount to be honest.  It might not be awe inspiring, it might not be well written, but at least it isn't 'Monday, I did this' or 'I ate this over the weekend'.

Cya

Not exactly the best photo in the world, but 'first blossoms on the plum tree' taken this morning

THINKING ABOUT FAITH IS A LOT HARDER THAN YOU THINK

I’m having one of those days today.  I should be doing x, y and z, but I'm not in the mood, so I'm trying to do a, b and c instead.  And that isn't working out to brilliantly either.

I should be making fudge for partner’s birthday on Sunday; I say I should be making it, but really I should be helping my son make it, but neither of us is in the mood.

I should be sewing something for my daughter's birthday on Tuesday, but that isn't working out too well either as I need to go and get a couple of bits and I can't be bothered to get dressed.  Obviously in a lazy mood today although did run down to the post box earlier in my pjs as I had a form that desperately needed posting (it should have got there today rather than being posted today).  Luckily post box is less than 100 yards from the house.

So, after deciding that the above two things won't get done today, I turned to the other stuff.  The form, as I've said, got done and posted.  The urgent bill got paid, although I'm surprised as my bank account is rather heavily overdrawn at the moment; thank goodness for overdraft facilities. The washing got done, although now I have to bung it in the tumble dryer as it's a bit late to get it outside and even if it wasn't, it's been raining.  The last thing I should be doing and I am trying to do is my homework.

"What homework?" I hear you say.

Well, I have had a book called A Witch Alone for years.  I've dipped in and out of it, checking and researching information, but I've never read it from cover to cover and never followed it as it should be followed. It's basically a practical guide to being a Hedgewitch and has lunar monthly chapters with reading, exercises and research to do.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Witch-Alone-Thirteen-Master-Natural/dp/0007133235/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1424447199&sr=1-1&keywords=a+witch+alone

http://hedgewitchforest.com/

I've been wanting to do it since I bought it and have finally decided that this year was the year to start.  January's went well and I've got rather a lot of info printed up and I enjoyed it, but this month, I'm struggling. 

This month is all about The Goddess and her consort The God.  I'm supposed to consider what it means to have a Goddess and a God with many forms, also to read and think about religious experience and how it has affected me in the past. Plus I'm supposed to divide a page and list attributes, symbols or titles for each; matching as I go if I can.  There are a couple of other things that are mainly reading and research and that isn't too bad, neither is the list of attributes, but the bit about religious experience and how it has affected me is, how shall we say, really hard.

I was brought up Christian, by Sunday school teacher parents and, although they never made me go to church as I grew older, I certainly had to go as a child.  Religion then and does still have issues for me. 

I always felt that there was something missing, something unsaid, something hidden and as I've got older I'm even more suspect of religions. The more research I do, the more I found out about missing books, texts, different translations, etc, the more suspicious I get.  I’m not a lover of rules and rituals as they seem so 'man'made rather than 'god'made and to discover that a lot of woman have been removed from religious text or condemned as evil reinforces the ‘man’made element to me.

Even in the pagan world I have issues with wording and ritual.  For starters I don’t like the word ‘invoke’.  I know that it means ‘to ask’ ‘to appeal’ but it can also mean ‘to call forth or upon (a spirit) by incantation’ or ‘to cause, call forth, or bring about’ which seems to me to be a demand.  Now I won’t demand anything to come to me (apart from my dog of course); I don’t feel that I need to invoke anything, I feel that spirits, corners, whatever you want to call it/them are all around me anyway; including God if I was to think in my Christian upbringing.  If this is the case, they will help me or not as they will.  I can pay homage to them, ask their help, but I certainly cannot and will not demand or call in.

Does this mean that any work I do with the Goddess won’t be valued?  I don’t think so, but maybe others would.  I suppose the very fact that I’m thinking about it on a deeper, emotional level is exactly what the book is asking me to do, but even as I’m writing this and I’ve been attempting to write it all evening, I’m coming up with more conflicting views on the whole thing.

Must admit, learning is never an easy thing and when it comes to choosing and following a path of faith it’s even harder.

Perhaps I should just step back for a bit, have a really good think and come back to it a bit later on when I’m not stressing about overdrafts, birthday presents and such like.

I need to meditate!

ILLEGAL, SHMEAGAL

Am I the only one who, whilst watching the news when they are going on about illegal immigrants climbing fences in France and rushing across to lorries that have already passed border control and then listening to interviews with the French who say that they are doing their best, but need extra help from the rest of Europe, think ‘why do we think that the French or, in fact, the rest of Europe will make any special efforts to stop anyone’.  Let’s face it, it will mean the illegals will be in our country, not theirs.  They will become our responsibility, not France’s or anyone else. 

I can almost imagine the French sitting there with their Gauloises cigarettes and their bread and cheese lunches (sorry, typecasting, but you get the drift) and watching the whole shenanigans and quietly smiling to themselves.  They probably even take bets on who’ll make it over the fence first.  Best bit of entertainment of the day I shouldn’t wonder.

What I always think is 'how the hell did they get as far as the border between France and us in the first place?' Is it because Europe knows that we are such a soft touch and that most peeps will want to end up here so, in a way, they are just ‘passing through’?  Why, when they reach said border are they not dealt with there and maybe returned to respective countries whilst in Europe?  I’m very confused and bemused.

I have no objections to immigration, I really don’t.  I like the fact that we have free trade and free movement.  Let’s face it, we have inflicted almost a whole generation of our elders onto Europe, who want somewhere warm to retire to, but still want their fish and chips and warm beer.  We also inflict thousands of footy fans including the not so nice ones and hundreds, if not thousands, of the rowdy, drunken, stupid 16-25 year olds who are having their ‘crazy’ holidays upon them.

In fact, now I come to think of it, maybe that’s why they sit on their chairs eating their lunches and smoking their cigarettes and placing bets; they’re getting their own back. And, if that is the case, fair play!

I don’t really know what goes on in the rest of Europe with regard to illegals; it’s never mentioned on the news and we, obviously, don’t get updates with regard to how many illegals have settled elsewhere.  All we seem to see is the border, and there really does seem to be a lot of them, and it always seems to appear that nothing is being done, which I’m sure cannot be entirely correct.

Is the news just scaremongering, do France actually do anything at all (what’s their success rate) or are they really sitting back and laughing their heads off and enjoying lunch.

Cya

WEDNESDAY 2ND APRIL - DOWNTURN, EEEK

Oh dear, that didn't go too well.  Thought I'd have a nice laze in the bath, but just as I started to relax, the brain went into gear.  Was thinking about what I need to do this week and what I was looking forward to and what I wasn't:

Thursday:  All good. *smiley face* Ah, must remember to get up and sweep the house through and the fireplace and shelves need a good dusting. Oh and ensure C is up so we can watch Grimm before E turns up *not so smiley face* .

Friday: All set to get started on a cake that I have commissioned *smiley face* Must get to Aldi and buy some chocolate and a couple of other bits *still smiley face*  Oh, what if they haven't got the choc I want?  Must remember to go to Wilkos on way home and check out some new tins while I'm at it. Oh, and don't forget to ring the PC man about the installer programme and must remember to do the monitoring in the garden with C.  Suddenly Friday isn't looking as calm and collected as I first thought *smiley face waning a bit*

Never mind as Saturday is sort of free in the day.  So anything not done Friday can be done on Saturday *smiley face back*, but then I'm going to have to kick 'other half' out of the kitchen *smiley face starting to look a bit worried* but I've got the quiz night to look forward to in the evening.  Oh, but that means going out, that means getting dressed and, bugger, can't have a drink with the tablets I'm on and what if people don't turn up and what if I make an idiot of myself.  Oh, whatever, it'll be a laugh.  *still smiley face even after tiny hiccup* Must remember, however, that;

Sunday: Babysitting for the day.  That's fine.  If weather nice might go out, if not so good, may go in the garden and there's always indoors with a DVD if necessary.  I know I'll be knackered, but *smiley face*

These thoughts then brought me to next week where I've got the cake to do and I'm panicing about whether it'll get done, be ok, work and that they'll like it.  I'm hoping no disturbances, that home ed will get done and I'll still have time, that my back and hips won't hurt too much.  Now I'm not saying I don't want to do it; I do, I really do, but this is what runs around my head.  Then of course I'm off to London on the Friday and the Saturday, so I'm thinking about train times, whether C will still want to go on Friday, will I be able to get him up in time, will he be moody, will I be moody, making sure money is there and I remember to take it out, whether my hip will be killing me by then and that I won't be expected to walk too much on the Friday and that Saturday the seats will be comfortable.

And the list goes on!  In the end I thought I might as well get out of the bath and come downstairs as it certainly wasn't turning into the relaxing bath I was hoping for.  I wanted to get downstairs and write this out before I forget.

I'm not saying that all of this stuff doesn't go around everyone's head in one way, shape or form, it must do and I'm not looking for sympathy as I know there are busier people out there who work wonders.  All I'm saying is I wish my damn brain would switch off occasionally and give me a break.  I'm now thinking that 'I can't wait for the next two weeks to be over'.  Crazy thought as 99% of what I'm doing I really want to do, but my brain is working overdrive to the point where it just wants to stop and have nothing to do. Really brain, you think that that is going to happen?  Get a grip and stop whinging. *winks*

WEDNESDAY AND TRYING TO GET A SCHEDULE BACK

Hi all, didn't post yesterday as I was exhausted.  After a busy weekend pottering in garden, looking after baby granddaughter and being out with friends on the Monday I was already knackered.

Tuesday morning came and I started the pill popping (see last entry), got up and met another friend of mine for a coffee and a swap of cash for catalogue and party orders.  Sometimes we go out for a coffee and a bit of shopping, sometimes she comes to me and we have a morning at mine with tea and cake.  After finishing the shopping, coming home, feeding dog, hanging out the washing on the line and planting the two new honeysuckle bushes I'd bought in the 99p store, I had a cuppa and waiting for my son to get up.  And I waited and I waited.  Ended up taking up a cuppa to him at 12.10pm to get him up as we had trampoline lesson in the afternoon.  Walked there, went to Subway (took it home instead of staying in) and came home. I ached like hell by this point, was absoluted knackered as I'd have approx 4 hours sleep again and so cancelled another visit that I was supposed to do that day.  Hate cancelling things, but I know that at times, its what is best for me and especially now.  I have to be kind to me!!  Fell asleep for about 15mins on the sofa in the early evening, curled up on sofa and watched mong telly in the later part of the evening and actually had an early night.  Woo hoo!

Today, feeling a little bit more 'with it' although still tired.  Sunshine was a good thing this morning and I decided that I must reintroduce a schedule for doing some home education.  It's now April and we have just over 3 months before the open day, so we need to get work done.  C got up and we had a bit of a discussion.  Going to tackle a bit at a time and use science kits as much as we can as they mean I don't have to spend ages prepping anything as it's already done for us.  Just need to double check if we need to add anything to the kits beforehand.

So, we made a start on Genetics and DNA kit and I left him to fill in a Vitamin question and answer sheet from a project that we started ages ago and never actually did anything with.  Again means I don't have to think too much.

I also went through my diary and cancelled a few things that I really didn't want to do in the first place and pencilled in some 'keep free' dates so that I don't overbook myself.  I know that a lot of how I feel is about management.  It's about learning to say no, about prioritising and not expecting myself to do too much.  I am my own worst enemy as I want to do everything and that is physically impossible.

Maybe the fact that I'm now in my 50s isn't helping.  I may not consciously be thinking that I'm running out of time, but maybe subconsciously I am.  Working on the fact that your parents age of dying equates roughly to your own age, although that isn't a scientific formula, and obviously health and diet will contribute to that I'm working on the fact I should have approximately 20-25 years left!!!  Eeeeek, that is nowhere near long enough and as my physical health isn't exactly brilliant I could have less than that to be physically active.  That is actually a rather scary thought and I do end up falling into the trap of saying yes to absolutely everything as I want to cram it all in.  I know that they say you SHOULD live for today, but today still only has 24 hrs in it and you have to factor in sleep, rest, food, toilet breaks, etc haha, so I really should give myself a break and stop thinking the worst and spread it out a bit.

At the moment I've decided to give myself a small lists of tasks to do each day and I'll work on ticking them off.  If I start to struggle, then I know that the list is too long and if I find it becomes easy, then I'll start adding.  That way I should build up the list until it is managable and I'm happy with it.  The list will include boring housework stuff, paperworky stuff (filing, bills, etc), home ed stuff, garden stuff, social stuff and crafty stuff that I like (hopefully 1 or 2 craft items).  Sounds a lot doesn't it, but some jobs shouldn't take too long so it shouldn't be impossible to do although I will give myself a break if I don't get it all done straight away and obviously not everything will be on the list every day.

So, in short, today I'm feeling a bit more positive, although still tired and achy.  Whether I feel the same tomorrow, I don't know. We shall see.