SUNDAY, 10TH AUGUST 2014

Been a while since I wrote anything.  Never going to be able to finish a book if I can’t even keep a blog up to date.

Do manage to keep my Facebook page going and Callum’s own little page going too, but blogging… hmm, that’s another matter. Anyway, here we go and see how long I can keep it up for this time.

So after finally admitting to myself that I was depressed and having it confirmed by my GP and trying a couple of different doses of antidepressants, it would appear that the dosage is now correct and I’m feeling a lot more like my old self.  I still get the odd day, but nowhere near as bad as before.

So, what have I been up to and how do I feel?

I’m back into upcycling clothes again and scouring charity shops for bargains.  Have managed to make one dress from a skirt (£1 M&S find in charity shop) plus an old top of mine which I liked the top part of, but not the bottom.  Plus another dress from 2 dresses (indian style, but didn’t like the top part) and an old pair of jeans that were so ripped that I wouldn’t have been able to use them.  If I ever get round to taking photos, I’ll post them.

Plus I’ve been sewing, altering, finishing off woollen tasks and generally having ideas for crafting.

I’ve also been in the garden more, especially now that the other half has built an upper patio area and I’ve moved my courtyard stuff (which I never really used) up to it.  It’s remarkably private considering it’s in the middle of the garden.

I’ve also been away, which meant a lovely break for me from the day to day stuff with an addition of seeing some friends and generally chilling out.

As to how I feel; I’m ok. Brain still buzzes occasionally and I get a bit freaked out sometimes by general stuff being a bit overwhelming.  I’ve found myself easily spending hours on the computer in the evening and not getting stuff done and I mean to change that this week (used last week to get back to normal after my 6 days away).

It’s hot, I’m pleasantly tired rather than knackered and I’ve stuff to sort out and to plan, but then this is the start of the good part of the year.  Let’s hope mood continues.

Cya

EEEK! IT'S BEEN A MONTH AND I FEEL A BIT DIFFERENT

Hello all, I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything and I’m wondering if that is a good thing or a bad thing? Time just seems to be flying.

I admit, I’ve had some ups and some downs, but that is to be expected. I’ve also had quiet weeks and busy weeks; I can’t say whether one type of week has been better than another, because they haven’t, so I know that being at home being able to potter is no different from having to be out and about doing stuff. I do know that whatever is going on, it’s in my head and isn’t really in the world around me. At least I’m not paranoid, haha.

So how have I been? After going to Miranda, which was extremely funny although I secretly panicked about getting the train home on time, and going to see Russell Howard, which was hilarious although I secretly panicked about the seats we had due to them being high up and the ceiling in the Albert Hall is ‘miles’ away and my son hates both heights and high ceilings and the train journey home included packed tubes which my son also is a bit wary of, I had a couple of weeks of being reasonably quiet apart from feeding my daughter’s cats whilst she was away and going swimming with the kids (with me sitting on the side drinking tea).  I cancelled a few things during those weeks as I truly did not feel up to doing things especially evening things. In other words, during that couple of weeks I learnt to say NO! Well, I almost did as I still should have said no to a couple of other things but didn’t, but at least it was a start.

Then I had a week of, what seemed like, hell.  Actually it wasn’t as bad as that, but my brain was all over the place and I seemed to have one day of feeling great then a day of feeling crap where all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep.  I had friends round, went bowling with the kids, had two lots of trampoline lessons to take my son to and had his hair cut.  I ended up cancelling a night out as I was knackered and hot and really couldn’t be bothered to rush about getting myself some dinner, having a shower and then spending the next half hour standing in front of the wardrobe screaming in my head that I had nothing to wear.  I’d like to point out that I do have stuff to wear; I have clothes in my wardrobe.  I have a couple of pairs of trousers, several skirts, leggings, a few dresses and several tops, but I’m at that stage where I hate it all.  I’m disliking my body with its lumps, bumps (or should I say boulders when referring to a particular part(s) of my anatomy) and rolls and everything I put on makes me feel like a weeble; now showing my age and if no-one knows what a weeble is, I suggest you google it. I want to go out and buy new underwear and new clothes, but I don’t even think that would help as a) I have no money to do so anyway, b) I probably wouldn’t find anything I like, c) none of it would fit me properly, d) I’d look shit in it and e) I have no money anyway or have I already said that? So the week ended on the Friday with me curled up on the sofa and thinking ‘phew, got through another week and parts were ok and I survived the rest’.

Then on the Saturday I discovered a new hobby!  I went off to a friend’s house and had the most fun I’d had for ages.  I’d discovered crazy quilting!  Look it up, can’t be bothered to explain, but it’s fun, silly and a great way of using up scraps.  We were both like school girls discovering make up for the first time; squealing every time we put another bit in and ironed it flat.  It was stupid, but who cared; we were having fun and I loved it.  Since then, however, I haven’t managed to get onto the damn sewing machine to continue with it, but I will.

Last week was probably the busiest week so far and it wasn’t helped by the Bank Holiday as it meant He Who I Shall Not Continue To Name was off an extra day. Although he did use that extra day to continue to watch NCIS which he is trying to get up to date with me on (he’s on series 5, I’m on series 10), so between doing computer stuff I rewatched some of those; at least it wasn’t radio 5 Live.

Then it was Dockyard for Julia Donaldson Exhibition with son, daughter and granddaughter which was actually a rather lovely afternoon out with me falling asleep on the sofa pretty much as soon as I got home. Vikings at the British Museum with home ed friends which was also a good afternoon out with me, again, falling asleep on the sofa once home.  Trampolining and friends back for tea and cake and then a day off where I recovered some strength and chilled out a bit partly due to having a stonking headache and feeling shit.  Not a bad week emotionally, but I think I was just too tired to notice.  Tablets I’m taking seem to allow me to sleep all night, but I’m left waking up groggy and braindead in the morning, so it’s taking me longer to ‘get together’.

This week has been fantastic! Why? Well, it will be interesting to see how next week turns out. Why again? Two things!

1) I visited docs on Monday for update, we had a fab chat and I think I definitely got my 10mins worth of appointment.  We talked about my son’s transition to college even though it’s still a year away and about my worries about his DLA which also comes up for renewal in a year’s time. I know they are both a year away, but a year goes so quick and I’m concerned about both hugely.  If he doesn’t get his DLA and I lose my Carers Allowance, I have no idea what we will do financially.  I’m worried that PIP which is to replace DLA will not be as much or will be limited and I might still lose Carers.  I’m concerned about him going to college; not because I don’t think he could do the work, he could, but because of the situation, the people, the crowds, etc, but I’m also worried about what happens if he doesn’t get it.  I told my doc that I know that all people worry about this and their kids transition and he replied that ‘yes, they do, but you do have a bit extra to deal with than most’ which I actually found very reassuring and I wanted to give him a hug. Oh and he’s doubled my dose of tablets.

2) He Who I Will Not Name Again worked late shift this week.  It meant that, although he didn’t leave home until 9.15am, he didn’t GET home until 7.15pm.  It meant I had all day, ALL DAY, to do stuff and I did.  I baked, I cooked, I caught up with washing, I actually did some housework, I could stop and rest when I needed to rather than keep going and ending up in agony because I had a time limit, I washed up loads instead of leaving it to fester, I hung washing on the line, I went shopping and I still spent time with my son and took him to trampolining and had friends round and I also went out in one evening!  Yep, I managed to get myself out in the dark; admittedly only to the cinema where I obviously didn’t have to ‘dress up’, but still, it’s the first time I’ve wanted to go out in the evening for ages.  Woo Hoo.

So, I’m now up to date.  I’m on more tablets, but to be honest I feel better.  However, I don’t know whether that is tablets or the fact I’ve had so much more time to do stuff in this week.  As I’ve said, next week will be the decider as HWIWNN is back to earlies.

Cya

MONDAY MORNING - CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF

It’s Monday!  Woke with the normal sense of dread although I have no real reason to dread anything as this week isn’t too bad.  However, conversation in my head went as follows:

Spoilt Brat Voice, ‘I don’t want this week!’

Sensible Voice, ‘Why? It’s a good week and we have Russell Howard on Wednesday.’

SBV, ‘Yes, but we have to sort out train times and it’ll be a late night and what if there is a bus replacement again?’

SV, ‘Well, we won’t know that until we look it up will we? We’ll do that later after we’ve had dinner and there’s nothing to do until everyone has gone to bed.’

SBV, ‘Ok, but then we’ve also got to do our emails and price up cakes and check the price of Kenwood Chef and try and get those tickets for Vikings again and don’t forget we need to email about the computer and….’

SV, ‘Woah! I’m feeling dizzy now.  I’ve put it all down on a list and it doesn’t have to all be done today.  We’ll have to pace ourselves and do a bit each day, stop panicking.’

SBV, ‘I don’t want this week!’

SV, ‘Why now?’

SBV, ‘We’ve got two lots of trampolining! And we mustn’t forget to pay on Tuesday for last Thursday and don’t forget to take the money on Thursday either.’

SV, ‘I know.’

SBV, ‘Can’t we just sit here all day and do nothing?’

SV, ‘No!  We did that yesterday.  We’ve got to sort out the washing from last week, do some more, water the pots out the front, do the computer stuff later and we really should get C up soon and get on with that DNA experiment.’

SBV stamps feet, ‘Don’t want to! I don’t want to do any of that, it’s boring!’

SV, ‘Tough!  Life is often boring and everyone has to do things that they don’t want to do, so get used to it!’

SBV, ‘Shan’t!  Hate it! I don’t want to do the boring stuff. I want to do something exciting.’

SV, ‘Like what?’

SBV, ‘Don’t know.’

SV, ‘Well, there is Russell Howard on Wednesday.’

SBV, ‘Yes, but we have to sort out train times and what if there is rail replacement and what if C doesn’t like it and won’t go in, or doesn’t like being up high.  What if the seats are rubbish……’

And so it goes on! We end up full circle. It drives me mad! All I want to do is wake up one morning and actually feel like I want to do something rather than feel like everything is an effort or a problem.  But, hey ho, life is never going to be like that and I’d get pretty bored if it was, so either way, I can’t win!

Cya

A VERY QUICK RUN DOWN OF THE PAST WEEK - NO MAJOR DISASTERS

It seems that the happy pills may be beginning to work, although it could be that today should have been busy and has turned out empty plus it's a sunny day.  Who knows?

Anyway, this week has been quite fun, quite stressful and generally one of those weeks where I've ticked off the days as I've gone.

The beginning of the week was spent mainly on making and icing a cake for a friend's son's birthday.  I would post up a picture, but it appears that the photo link above isn't working, but then I've had problems with loading photos on here before.  Seems that some days it works and some days it doesn't (bit like me really, hehe).

I attempted to get my son interested in doing some home ed, but he's been a very typical/untypical (cross through as your own teen experience requires) teenage boy and been sleeping for most of the day and very 'can't be bothered' when he is up.  We have, however, managed to set up the start of a DNA extraction experiment, although it has been left for me to finish topping up the funnel to strain the liquid through.  Hey ho.

As to my mental state.  Not bad.  Still feeling tired with occasional twinges of sickness and still need to force myself to get up and get dressed.  Not in the mood really to go anywhere, but at least I'm beginning to feel like doing things around the house.

No major upsets, whinges or guilt feelings this week, so that's all good.  Just haven't been online much as been icing most evenings and attempting to catch up with some telly.

Anyway, that's it for now.  Nought much to write if I'm honest as it would have been pictures mainly.

FRIDAY 4TH - THE GUILT DILEMMA

Firstly I'd like to say that I had a good day yesterday, even though I, once again, didn't get any sleep until gone 2am and then was awake at 6am!  Sun was shining, son's trampolining lesson went well and we had our usual friends back afterwards. Lots of tea and cake served and lots of chat.  Daughter and Granddaughter also visited so had a full house.  Was shattered afterwards and was determined to have an early night.  However, it was not to be and I ended up a little later, 12.30am, rather than the 11pm I'd planned.

Anyway, today I had plans to cook the base cake for a friend's son's birthday and to go shopping for the rest of the ingredients.  Hmmm, that didn't go according to plan as I woke up still shattered and with the worst back ache I'd had for weeks.  Decided that I wasn't going to go out and so had a bit of a laze with a couple of cups of tea before making the base cake (at least that got done).  Struggled to get the washing up done, but did it in two batches.

But I'm digressing as I was going to talk about guilt.

I had a bit of a wallowing self pity day the other day and since then I've been thinking about everyone else's problems which are far worse than mine.

For starters I have at least one friend who is looking out for an elderly relative.  Another who has poorly parents.  I have one friend who is recovering from cancer and another whose partner is contemplating having his foot removed as it isn't healing after 3 years of treatment.  I have several friends who have housing difficulties and lots more with money problems.  It appears that pretty much everyone has something in their lives which is causing trouble, pain, worry and stress, albeit at different levels.  So what gave me the right to whinge on the other day.  I had no right!  In the great plan of things my troubles are minor, some are even self inflicted or at least could be dealt with if I got off my mental arse and did something about it.

Then again, do I have a right to feel guilty?  I wasn't the one who made people poorly, I wasn't the one who caused money troubles and I'm not the landlord being a pig.  I've tried my best to be as supportive as I can to those that are having problems.  I might not being able to do anything more than offer a shoulder to cry on, a cup of tea and a slice of cake or just being on the other end of a text message or email.  I can do no more than I can do.  So, why do I feel guilty?  Why, even if I take out the wallowing, do I still feel guilty.

Does it stem from the fact that I feel inadequate?  Does it stem from the guilt that my mother installed in me whether deliberately or not (I was always to blame for the change in her marriage) or am I just a person who feels guilty even when I know I have no reason to be.  Is it something that is an emotional code in the brain and does it present itself more in some than in others?

On doing a bit of google searching I came across this which may or may not be helpful.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/guilt-the-crippling-emotion/000722

Whatever the reason, I do feel guilt; all the time.  I haven't done enough, I haven't spent enough time with my son/my daughter and I even feel guilty if my son has made more cups of tea than I have.  It's stupid, depleting and sometimes just plain ridiculous, but it happens!  Does anyone else feel the same or is it just me?

WEDNESDAY 2ND APRIL - DOWNTURN, EEEK

Oh dear, that didn't go too well.  Thought I'd have a nice laze in the bath, but just as I started to relax, the brain went into gear.  Was thinking about what I need to do this week and what I was looking forward to and what I wasn't:

Thursday:  All good. *smiley face* Ah, must remember to get up and sweep the house through and the fireplace and shelves need a good dusting. Oh and ensure C is up so we can watch Grimm before E turns up *not so smiley face* .

Friday: All set to get started on a cake that I have commissioned *smiley face* Must get to Aldi and buy some chocolate and a couple of other bits *still smiley face*  Oh, what if they haven't got the choc I want?  Must remember to go to Wilkos on way home and check out some new tins while I'm at it. Oh, and don't forget to ring the PC man about the installer programme and must remember to do the monitoring in the garden with C.  Suddenly Friday isn't looking as calm and collected as I first thought *smiley face waning a bit*

Never mind as Saturday is sort of free in the day.  So anything not done Friday can be done on Saturday *smiley face back*, but then I'm going to have to kick 'other half' out of the kitchen *smiley face starting to look a bit worried* but I've got the quiz night to look forward to in the evening.  Oh, but that means going out, that means getting dressed and, bugger, can't have a drink with the tablets I'm on and what if people don't turn up and what if I make an idiot of myself.  Oh, whatever, it'll be a laugh.  *still smiley face even after tiny hiccup* Must remember, however, that;

Sunday: Babysitting for the day.  That's fine.  If weather nice might go out, if not so good, may go in the garden and there's always indoors with a DVD if necessary.  I know I'll be knackered, but *smiley face*

These thoughts then brought me to next week where I've got the cake to do and I'm panicing about whether it'll get done, be ok, work and that they'll like it.  I'm hoping no disturbances, that home ed will get done and I'll still have time, that my back and hips won't hurt too much.  Now I'm not saying I don't want to do it; I do, I really do, but this is what runs around my head.  Then of course I'm off to London on the Friday and the Saturday, so I'm thinking about train times, whether C will still want to go on Friday, will I be able to get him up in time, will he be moody, will I be moody, making sure money is there and I remember to take it out, whether my hip will be killing me by then and that I won't be expected to walk too much on the Friday and that Saturday the seats will be comfortable.

And the list goes on!  In the end I thought I might as well get out of the bath and come downstairs as it certainly wasn't turning into the relaxing bath I was hoping for.  I wanted to get downstairs and write this out before I forget.

I'm not saying that all of this stuff doesn't go around everyone's head in one way, shape or form, it must do and I'm not looking for sympathy as I know there are busier people out there who work wonders.  All I'm saying is I wish my damn brain would switch off occasionally and give me a break.  I'm now thinking that 'I can't wait for the next two weeks to be over'.  Crazy thought as 99% of what I'm doing I really want to do, but my brain is working overdrive to the point where it just wants to stop and have nothing to do. Really brain, you think that that is going to happen?  Get a grip and stop whinging. *winks*

WEDNESDAY AND TRYING TO GET A SCHEDULE BACK

Hi all, didn't post yesterday as I was exhausted.  After a busy weekend pottering in garden, looking after baby granddaughter and being out with friends on the Monday I was already knackered.

Tuesday morning came and I started the pill popping (see last entry), got up and met another friend of mine for a coffee and a swap of cash for catalogue and party orders.  Sometimes we go out for a coffee and a bit of shopping, sometimes she comes to me and we have a morning at mine with tea and cake.  After finishing the shopping, coming home, feeding dog, hanging out the washing on the line and planting the two new honeysuckle bushes I'd bought in the 99p store, I had a cuppa and waiting for my son to get up.  And I waited and I waited.  Ended up taking up a cuppa to him at 12.10pm to get him up as we had trampoline lesson in the afternoon.  Walked there, went to Subway (took it home instead of staying in) and came home. I ached like hell by this point, was absoluted knackered as I'd have approx 4 hours sleep again and so cancelled another visit that I was supposed to do that day.  Hate cancelling things, but I know that at times, its what is best for me and especially now.  I have to be kind to me!!  Fell asleep for about 15mins on the sofa in the early evening, curled up on sofa and watched mong telly in the later part of the evening and actually had an early night.  Woo hoo!

Today, feeling a little bit more 'with it' although still tired.  Sunshine was a good thing this morning and I decided that I must reintroduce a schedule for doing some home education.  It's now April and we have just over 3 months before the open day, so we need to get work done.  C got up and we had a bit of a discussion.  Going to tackle a bit at a time and use science kits as much as we can as they mean I don't have to spend ages prepping anything as it's already done for us.  Just need to double check if we need to add anything to the kits beforehand.

So, we made a start on Genetics and DNA kit and I left him to fill in a Vitamin question and answer sheet from a project that we started ages ago and never actually did anything with.  Again means I don't have to think too much.

I also went through my diary and cancelled a few things that I really didn't want to do in the first place and pencilled in some 'keep free' dates so that I don't overbook myself.  I know that a lot of how I feel is about management.  It's about learning to say no, about prioritising and not expecting myself to do too much.  I am my own worst enemy as I want to do everything and that is physically impossible.

Maybe the fact that I'm now in my 50s isn't helping.  I may not consciously be thinking that I'm running out of time, but maybe subconsciously I am.  Working on the fact that your parents age of dying equates roughly to your own age, although that isn't a scientific formula, and obviously health and diet will contribute to that I'm working on the fact I should have approximately 20-25 years left!!!  Eeeeek, that is nowhere near long enough and as my physical health isn't exactly brilliant I could have less than that to be physically active.  That is actually a rather scary thought and I do end up falling into the trap of saying yes to absolutely everything as I want to cram it all in.  I know that they say you SHOULD live for today, but today still only has 24 hrs in it and you have to factor in sleep, rest, food, toilet breaks, etc haha, so I really should give myself a break and stop thinking the worst and spread it out a bit.

At the moment I've decided to give myself a small lists of tasks to do each day and I'll work on ticking them off.  If I start to struggle, then I know that the list is too long and if I find it becomes easy, then I'll start adding.  That way I should build up the list until it is managable and I'm happy with it.  The list will include boring housework stuff, paperworky stuff (filing, bills, etc), home ed stuff, garden stuff, social stuff and crafty stuff that I like (hopefully 1 or 2 craft items).  Sounds a lot doesn't it, but some jobs shouldn't take too long so it shouldn't be impossible to do although I will give myself a break if I don't get it all done straight away and obviously not everything will be on the list every day.

So, in short, today I'm feeling a bit more positive, although still tired and achy.  Whether I feel the same tomorrow, I don't know. We shall see.