Okay I've decided to write this blog as it isn't about anything but me! It's my thoughts; whether weird, wonderful or just plain wacko. It will partly be about my life, but it will be mostly about my emotions, my dreams and any other non reality stuff that goes on in that grey blancmange that is my brain. I'm not sure if I want to publise the fact that I'm writing it, but if I do and you read it or if I don't and you come across it by accident and read it, so be it. If it means you hate me because of it, that can't be helped. If you no longer wish to be friends with me because you now think I'm completely barmy, I can't help that either. To all my friends who may find this and read it, I love you all!!! I mean no harm, no upset, no malice. Sometimes I might just have to rant and winkle out the thoughts in my head. So here goes:
I'm going to be 47 tomorrow! 47!! 3 more years and I'll be 50!!! Eeek!!!!! Needless to say I'm not a great celebrator of birthdays anymore. To be honest one birthday rolls into another one and although I'll be a year older and a year nearer to my grave, I don't/won't feel any different tomorrow to how I feel today or to how I felt last year or the year before that or the year before that to be honest!
Actually my birthdays haven't really meant much at all since my dad died! He died 4 days before my 30th birthday! It was sudden, no prolonged illness which is good, but it was a shock and not a pleasant one! He was 70! He was my dad and I loved him. He was a weird little muppet, but that made him even more special. You see my dad had been a prisoner of the Germans in WWII and that kind of made him a man of very few words and someone who never really thought anything was a problem. I mean to say, if you had been through that and survived, petty things like bills, weather, neighbours, kids, etc wouldn't exactly be that much of a big deal would they? Life would be great whatever happened as you'd be thinking that you were bloody lucky to even be alive! After being starving to the point where a piece of mouldy bread found in a field was a feast (and that is one story he told me), not having quite enough spuds for the roast dinner isn't exactly going to bring you out in hives is it? To him all life was good! That's my impression of him anyway! I never really asked him about WWII, I should have as I can imagine it would have been mind blowing, but you never do ask your parents stuff do you? It's only after they aren't there anymore that you think "Shit, wish I'd ask him/her about so and so", but, of course, by then it's too late.
My dad was fab, my mum on the other hand was a bit too out there! Mum was 10 years younger than dad, so while he was being marched, starving across fields in Germany, she was a kid running around with the rest of the kids gawping at the house of their school teacher which had been bombed and hoping that said poor woman was dead - kids, haven't changed much have they? My dad was one of 11 kids, my mum one of 4 girls! My dad wanted kids, my mum didn't!! Actually they was so chalk and cheese it always amazed me that they stayed together! But stay together they did and they had me! Just me! And I've grown up to be a slightly fucked up mixture of both of them! I love my kids, like my dad did me. Major crisis doesn't faze me just as much as it didn't faze dad and I'm secretly a romantic. But I'm independent like my mum, as mad as a hatter and prone to bouts of depression just as she was. She dreamed of travelling down the Nile and visiting the Valley of the Kings and I dream of living in the countryside on a homestead with chickens and a goat. She never realised her dream and I doubt very much if I'll ever realise mine, but hey ho, what the hell!
Back to birthdays and dad dying. The weirdest thing about the whole death thing was that my dad had gone out and bought me two videos (remember that format folks?) a couple of days before he died and the titles of those videos were 'Drop Dead Fred' and 'Flatliners' - spooky huh!!?? I still can't watch Flatliners without sobbing uncontrollably at the music at the end, although I love the film and Drop Dead Fred has other connotations that I'll go into at a later date. I cannot for the life of me remember what my mum bought me, but then why would I? That birthday was a poignant one and I think dad knew what was coming!
So as to tomorrow! Don't know what is happening, preferably nothing! I'm hoping for a quiet day with a lie in and a few pressies and a big kiss from my wonderful son. Ooo and Going Postal is on Sky1 tomorrow night and I love Terry Pratchet, so all in all it'll be another day with a few extra niceties dropped in! I will probably have a glass of wine or two or maybe even three and I will at some point have an incredible urge to watch Flatliners and have a good cry. Unfortunately I still only have it on video and our video player died years ago and we never replaced it, one day I must go out and replace the movies just so I can remember my dad in my own weird little way, not that he's ever forgotten, but is always remembered most around about now!
