WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HUMAN BRAIN

Having an interest, but no expertise, in prehistoric history I’ve been watching Operation Stonehenge: What Lies Beneath. 

Apart from the fact that this monument has always held a huge fascination for me, I’m blown away by the work that is found in artefacts that they have found and know about from the time: outstanding boats that can cross open water made from just wood and yew withers, no nails, no glue and it’s strong and watertight. There is beautifully crafted, decorative pottery and jewellery and, of course, copper and bronze weapons. All this points to human beings with intelligence, enthusiasm, determination and strength.

So how did we become so stupid now?  How have we managed to lose all that tradition, workmanship and skill?  We may have everything mechanised, we may not have to worry about where our food comes from or whether we’ll be warm throughout winter, but losing these skills and this knowledge is, in my view, outrageous.  We’ve become useless, ignorant and dull-witted.  We have no respect for others and no respect for the planet.  We are sheep!

Those of us that still do have ideas, skills, ambition and knowledge appear to be looked upon as odd, geeky or often crazy.  Surely we should all have ideas, all have special skills, all have determination and ambition to complete projects or reach goals, but somehow we don’t.  We are all encouraged to be alike, to like the same things, to ‘fit in’, to not speak out, and to not ‘go beyond’ the box that we are supposed to fit into. We are supposed to tick the correct boxes and fit into categories and have labels.

No, we shouldn’t! We are individuals and we should be treated as such.  We should be allowed to explore our possibilities and knowledge and skills should be passed down from generation to generation.  We should be taught how to sew, to mend, to make, to know the changes of the seasons and the movements of the sky.  We should know where our food comes from and how to grow it/raise it ourselves, even if we don’t have to do it.  Perhaps then we will produce beautiful things, raise fantastic monuments and have patience with each other and the passing of time and value our elders as well as our youth.

NB:  I am fully aware that there are some unbelievable craftsmen/women out there and that there are some amazing people who still know/teach the old ways and I applaud you.  Long may you continue and long may you inspire.

Rant over

Cya

TECHNOLOGY AND DELIVERIES HATE ME TODAY

I'm sure other people have the same, but boy am I having an off day today.  You name it, it's gone wrong.

Started off so well with a lovely cuppa and slice of cake with a friend who I haven't seen for a while and then I started feeling sick and got a headache.  Ok, so it was probably not best to start the day with a slice of coffee and walnut cake, but not completely nasty as it was homemade (no additives).  So, I sit down and try and chill out a bit with a soluble paracetamol, as I was supposed to be going to cinema tonight, and check my email. Laptop won't load for ages and email account won't let me open an attachment, grrr.

Headache goes, but sickness stays.  'Perhaps I'm hungry' I think, so off I go and have something to eat properly, not to no avail, still felt sick.

Son gets up, we do a bit of sciency stuff; making a boomerang can and a walking water experiment with jars, coloured water and kitchen paper.  Laptop wouldn't load up properly again to double check the experiment and then the printer decides it doesn't like printing pictures and goes so slowly we thought it had broke (not again, please).  It hadn't and we finally print off what we've done.

Then I can't find a website I'm looking for, was there yesterday!!

Decide another cuppa required, but must hang out washing first.

No probs!  Looking up, or so I thought.

Then dog coughs up a load of spittle and mucus (he's got an intimitant cough and occasionally spits up, but no blood and he's acting fine; he's also 12 years old, so not stressing him out with an unnecessary vet appointment), so floor needs doing and dog needs a bit of comforting.

Quickly nip back out in the garden to get a couple of courgettes and a delivery is made! Typical!  Been in all day and the five minutes it takes to walk up the garden path, pick two courgettes and come back again is the time they deliver.  Anyway, grab the house phone just in case I can catch the delivery guy and he can nip back as I can't see him up or down the street, but he can't be far.  House phone has lost signal and is squealing at me.  Grab mobile and ring Parcel Force and end up with a ton of options that get me nowhere to the point where I hang up and try again.  Get through finally to someone who says she will try and contact the driver and see where they are.  However, it has now been 10mins since the delivery so I wasn't holding out much hope as he's probably in the next town my now.

Why am I chasing?  Well, we preordered Destiny for the XBox and we were promised delivery today.  However, I've also ordered juggling balls and a sugar thermometer (strange combo, I'll admit).  Had emails this morning saying both game and balls have been dispatched.  So is the delivery the game or the juggling balls.  My son is having a minor meltdown as he wants his game and I'm annoyed because of the damn five minute rule where delivery people wait outside your house with their xray lasers waiting for you to leave before delivering, so you have to walk up the high street the following day and so totally defeat the idea of getting a delivery.  I'm also miffed as a game would normally come via Royal Mail through the normal postal service and would go through the letter box, so I'm assuming parcel is juggling balls.  But we've had no post yet (seems to get later and later every day) so I'm not entirely sure if we just have no post or he's incredibly late today.

During all this mental meltdown and grrring, I also nearly burnt the dinner I'm making; my headache has come back and I need a sit down.

To cap it all, google wouldn't load blogger for at least three attempts, my tea went cold and I've decided that all I want to do is have a hot bath, put on fresh pjs and start packing for my weekend away, so I've cancelled my cinema night with the girls as I just won't be good company.

Had a day like this a few weeks ago, cosmic energy is obviously not happy with me.  Fairies alone knows what I've done to upset it.  Perhaps I didn't bang my drum loud enough at the moon last night, or maybe I banged the drum too loud, whatever it is, I hope it plays nice tomorrow.

Cya

Oh and now I have a paper cut!!  FFS

ILLEGAL, SHMEAGAL

Am I the only one who, whilst watching the news when they are going on about illegal immigrants climbing fences in France and rushing across to lorries that have already passed border control and then listening to interviews with the French who say that they are doing their best, but need extra help from the rest of Europe, think ‘why do we think that the French or, in fact, the rest of Europe will make any special efforts to stop anyone’.  Let’s face it, it will mean the illegals will be in our country, not theirs.  They will become our responsibility, not France’s or anyone else. 

I can almost imagine the French sitting there with their Gauloises cigarettes and their bread and cheese lunches (sorry, typecasting, but you get the drift) and watching the whole shenanigans and quietly smiling to themselves.  They probably even take bets on who’ll make it over the fence first.  Best bit of entertainment of the day I shouldn’t wonder.

What I always think is 'how the hell did they get as far as the border between France and us in the first place?' Is it because Europe knows that we are such a soft touch and that most peeps will want to end up here so, in a way, they are just ‘passing through’?  Why, when they reach said border are they not dealt with there and maybe returned to respective countries whilst in Europe?  I’m very confused and bemused.

I have no objections to immigration, I really don’t.  I like the fact that we have free trade and free movement.  Let’s face it, we have inflicted almost a whole generation of our elders onto Europe, who want somewhere warm to retire to, but still want their fish and chips and warm beer.  We also inflict thousands of footy fans including the not so nice ones and hundreds, if not thousands, of the rowdy, drunken, stupid 16-25 year olds who are having their ‘crazy’ holidays upon them.

In fact, now I come to think of it, maybe that’s why they sit on their chairs eating their lunches and smoking their cigarettes and placing bets; they’re getting their own back. And, if that is the case, fair play!

I don’t really know what goes on in the rest of Europe with regard to illegals; it’s never mentioned on the news and we, obviously, don’t get updates with regard to how many illegals have settled elsewhere.  All we seem to see is the border, and there really does seem to be a lot of them, and it always seems to appear that nothing is being done, which I’m sure cannot be entirely correct.

Is the news just scaremongering, do France actually do anything at all (what’s their success rate) or are they really sitting back and laughing their heads off and enjoying lunch.

Cya

LONG LIVE THE DOMESTIC CHIEF EXECUTIVE

After having done quite a few surveys over the last few weeks and having to go through the same initial process on each one where it asks age, sex (yes please), job status and salary, I’ve begun to wonder about how the status of Housewife (or worse, Not Working for any other Reason and please note it never says Househusband; come on guys, I’m beginning to think that they think lower of you than they do of us) should be renamed/reassessed.

Let’s face it, the world around us is constantly being renamed; benefits get called different things with each reassessment and government (amongst other things), pubs and clubs get renamed to try and attract better clientele (even though that rarely if ever works), even countries and cities get renamed (look at St Petersburg verses Leningrad), so isn’t it about time that the status of Housewife gets an overhaul.

In the 40s, 50s being a housewife was something that most women aspired to; admittedly it may have been their only choice as married women working wasn’t looked upon as being appropriate. 

Then we had the women’s liberation movement and suddenly it was ok for women to work (and get equal pay); we begun having a choice.  We could go to university, become business women, run our own corporation, even become prime minister; go us. 

But nowadays we don’t appear to have a choice, we are expected to work. To be honest we kind of have to if we are to maintain the lifestyle that we are supposed to want; a mortgage, holiday abroad, fast car, nannies or child-minders (what happened to raising your own child?), etc, etc.  ‘Housewife’ has become a dirty word, even amongst a lot of women.  I cannot count the amount of times a women has asked me what I do and when I’ve replied ‘I’m a mum and housewife’ has answered with a disdainful look and a sarcastic ‘really? Don’t you want a career?’

Actually, I have a career you stuck up cow!  I have a bloody hard career!  I’m responsible for part of the next generation; I’m raising it with the entire moral, rights and wrongs and behavioural lessons to teach that are required to live and work within the big wide world out there.  I manage a household; the day to day running, the finances, the comings and the goings.  I organise birthdays, Christmas’, holidays and days out and I'm responsible for paying them.  I sort out all the utilities, including the telephoning if there is a problem.  I also have the added responsibility of home educating (admittedly my choice although, with my son’s Asperger’s, school just didn’t work), so I organise timetables, project work, liaise with outside educational organisations, mark and assess work and speak to medical professionals about his needs.

In addition I have a life!  Amazingly I have a social life, with other women (and occasionally men) who have also chosen to recognise that the raising of their children and the running of their household is a career.

I’m a nurse, a teacher, a referee, a liaison officer, a secretary, a manager, a financial consultant, an accountant, a gardener, a cook, a shoulder to cry on, a moral and social mentor; the list goes on.

So, after all of this, I’m suggesting that we are no longer called housewives or househusbands, we are domestic managers; actually we are chief executives of our own business with as many ‘staff’ as we have partners and children and pets.

We have chosen this career!  It is an important career!  We have not chosen to pass our responsibilities of parenting or household running to others; we are doing it ourselves.

Do not look down on us!  We are Domestic Chief Executives!!  Ner!  Ya boo sucks to you and your ‘careers’ (although if that is your choice, fair play to you).

Long live the Domestic Chief Executive! Any chance of a raise?

Cya

OUT FOR A CHANGE AND CHANGE IN TECH STUFF.

After a quiet week last week, this one has been a bit manic! Well, manic in comparison at least.

Monday was quiet as both of us felt completely knackered and I have to admit it was nice just to potter about and sort stuff out that had been on my list for a while.

Tuesday we had a lovely afternoon out with friends to the Historic Dockyard. Was in a very silly mood and laughed a lot. Thank you Dawn.  Had a go at getting in and out of a hammock; so glad it was only a couple of inches off the ground as I made a right mess of it and I think I may have created a new knot as I followed instructions and mine came out completely different to theirs.  Oh well. And I managed to walk, and stand, over the glass 'roof' in one of the boats and look down to the water below.  Eeek!

Up early yesterday to meet up with daughter and granddaughter for toddler sensory, then back with said d and gd for the afternoon. Totally shattered after toddler sensory, so was glad to just sit and mong out really in afternoon and cancelled cinema night as I knew I wouldn't be awake enough to pay attention. Plus after morning session, I had a headache. Forgot how noisy a bunch of toddlers can be.

Today, lovely computer guy came to find out if there was anything we could do with regard to the graphics card and we've ended up deciding that it might be worth Callum building his own computer!!  LCG has offered to help out and give guidance to C, so I think that is the route we'll be taking.  Hoping this might lead to a bit of an apprenticeship deal.  Payment?  In cake of course! Anything lemony.

So not a bad week so far with regard to mood and activity. I'm having to battle the guilt complex thing occasionally when I feel I've let people down, but I know that I mustnt get back into that as I'll end up feeling shite again.  So, learning to say no! Boy, it's hard though.  And why do kids always want everything now, and then when you are finally ready and able to give them what they want, they decide they didn't want it as urgently as they first thought?  After you've rushed around like a loony so that you can get it done!  Grrr!

Oh and our new superdooper hub turned up.  It's connected to the Xbox and my laptop, but for some unknown reason the computer has decided it doesn't like it.  C set it all up and connected everything, but computer is shaking it's head and saying that it likes the old one better and doesn't want to be connected to a new fangled dangled thing.  Hey ho.  Walk away Callum and deal with it later.  At least I can get online and he can use Xbox. Computer can stay sulking for a while. Maybe it was upset about us saying we were going to discard it and build our own this morning.  It's all too much for the dear old thing :-)

Cya

A BIT OF SORTING AND A BIT OF FORAGING

Well, this week has started well even though I woke up shattered.  Decided we weren't going out for the afternoon so I sorted out some tech stuff that I've been putting off.

Firstly, I managed to arrange my friendly computer man to come and sort out C's problem with his new graphics card this Thursday and then made a call to Virgin to find out why my mobile bill was nearly 4 times higher than normal. Was informed that my contract had ended (news to me) and that my tariff had gone up.  Hmmm, says I, I don't think so.  Anyway to cut a long story short I got my money refunded and was put onto a rolling contract that is going to cost me less than I'm paying already.

As I felt I was doing well, I then asked to be put through to the broadband section.  We've been needing to upgrade our broadband for some time now, but I haven't been in the mood to sort it and I haven't been impressed by some of the offers made to me when they have cold called me (never a good idea, so will you stop doing it).  Anyway after a rather hilarious and long chat with the computer guy he says he couldn't do anything fab for me so he put me through to their loyalty section (didn't know they had one).  Again, after another long and very hilarious chat with the lovely lady on the phone I now have tripled my speed, got a lovely new router for free, kept my TV and phone package the same including my extra box and I'm paying less than I am now.

Personally, I think I've done pretty well. Hehe.

Tonight we've been out with the dog, I've collected mallow leaves, young nettle, a few damsons, elderberries and lots of blackberries and made a conserve from the collected fruit with added cherry plums that were in freezer from a previous forage.  The mallow and nettle will be fried later for nature's crisps :-)

Good day me thinks
Cya

SUNDAY, 10TH AUGUST 2014

Been a while since I wrote anything.  Never going to be able to finish a book if I can’t even keep a blog up to date.

Do manage to keep my Facebook page going and Callum’s own little page going too, but blogging… hmm, that’s another matter. Anyway, here we go and see how long I can keep it up for this time.

So after finally admitting to myself that I was depressed and having it confirmed by my GP and trying a couple of different doses of antidepressants, it would appear that the dosage is now correct and I’m feeling a lot more like my old self.  I still get the odd day, but nowhere near as bad as before.

So, what have I been up to and how do I feel?

I’m back into upcycling clothes again and scouring charity shops for bargains.  Have managed to make one dress from a skirt (£1 M&S find in charity shop) plus an old top of mine which I liked the top part of, but not the bottom.  Plus another dress from 2 dresses (indian style, but didn’t like the top part) and an old pair of jeans that were so ripped that I wouldn’t have been able to use them.  If I ever get round to taking photos, I’ll post them.

Plus I’ve been sewing, altering, finishing off woollen tasks and generally having ideas for crafting.

I’ve also been in the garden more, especially now that the other half has built an upper patio area and I’ve moved my courtyard stuff (which I never really used) up to it.  It’s remarkably private considering it’s in the middle of the garden.

I’ve also been away, which meant a lovely break for me from the day to day stuff with an addition of seeing some friends and generally chilling out.

As to how I feel; I’m ok. Brain still buzzes occasionally and I get a bit freaked out sometimes by general stuff being a bit overwhelming.  I’ve found myself easily spending hours on the computer in the evening and not getting stuff done and I mean to change that this week (used last week to get back to normal after my 6 days away).

It’s hot, I’m pleasantly tired rather than knackered and I’ve stuff to sort out and to plan, but then this is the start of the good part of the year.  Let’s hope mood continues.

Cya

EEEK! IT'S BEEN A MONTH AND I FEEL A BIT DIFFERENT

Hello all, I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything and I’m wondering if that is a good thing or a bad thing? Time just seems to be flying.

I admit, I’ve had some ups and some downs, but that is to be expected. I’ve also had quiet weeks and busy weeks; I can’t say whether one type of week has been better than another, because they haven’t, so I know that being at home being able to potter is no different from having to be out and about doing stuff. I do know that whatever is going on, it’s in my head and isn’t really in the world around me. At least I’m not paranoid, haha.

So how have I been? After going to Miranda, which was extremely funny although I secretly panicked about getting the train home on time, and going to see Russell Howard, which was hilarious although I secretly panicked about the seats we had due to them being high up and the ceiling in the Albert Hall is ‘miles’ away and my son hates both heights and high ceilings and the train journey home included packed tubes which my son also is a bit wary of, I had a couple of weeks of being reasonably quiet apart from feeding my daughter’s cats whilst she was away and going swimming with the kids (with me sitting on the side drinking tea).  I cancelled a few things during those weeks as I truly did not feel up to doing things especially evening things. In other words, during that couple of weeks I learnt to say NO! Well, I almost did as I still should have said no to a couple of other things but didn’t, but at least it was a start.

Then I had a week of, what seemed like, hell.  Actually it wasn’t as bad as that, but my brain was all over the place and I seemed to have one day of feeling great then a day of feeling crap where all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep.  I had friends round, went bowling with the kids, had two lots of trampoline lessons to take my son to and had his hair cut.  I ended up cancelling a night out as I was knackered and hot and really couldn’t be bothered to rush about getting myself some dinner, having a shower and then spending the next half hour standing in front of the wardrobe screaming in my head that I had nothing to wear.  I’d like to point out that I do have stuff to wear; I have clothes in my wardrobe.  I have a couple of pairs of trousers, several skirts, leggings, a few dresses and several tops, but I’m at that stage where I hate it all.  I’m disliking my body with its lumps, bumps (or should I say boulders when referring to a particular part(s) of my anatomy) and rolls and everything I put on makes me feel like a weeble; now showing my age and if no-one knows what a weeble is, I suggest you google it. I want to go out and buy new underwear and new clothes, but I don’t even think that would help as a) I have no money to do so anyway, b) I probably wouldn’t find anything I like, c) none of it would fit me properly, d) I’d look shit in it and e) I have no money anyway or have I already said that? So the week ended on the Friday with me curled up on the sofa and thinking ‘phew, got through another week and parts were ok and I survived the rest’.

Then on the Saturday I discovered a new hobby!  I went off to a friend’s house and had the most fun I’d had for ages.  I’d discovered crazy quilting!  Look it up, can’t be bothered to explain, but it’s fun, silly and a great way of using up scraps.  We were both like school girls discovering make up for the first time; squealing every time we put another bit in and ironed it flat.  It was stupid, but who cared; we were having fun and I loved it.  Since then, however, I haven’t managed to get onto the damn sewing machine to continue with it, but I will.

Last week was probably the busiest week so far and it wasn’t helped by the Bank Holiday as it meant He Who I Shall Not Continue To Name was off an extra day. Although he did use that extra day to continue to watch NCIS which he is trying to get up to date with me on (he’s on series 5, I’m on series 10), so between doing computer stuff I rewatched some of those; at least it wasn’t radio 5 Live.

Then it was Dockyard for Julia Donaldson Exhibition with son, daughter and granddaughter which was actually a rather lovely afternoon out with me falling asleep on the sofa pretty much as soon as I got home. Vikings at the British Museum with home ed friends which was also a good afternoon out with me, again, falling asleep on the sofa once home.  Trampolining and friends back for tea and cake and then a day off where I recovered some strength and chilled out a bit partly due to having a stonking headache and feeling shit.  Not a bad week emotionally, but I think I was just too tired to notice.  Tablets I’m taking seem to allow me to sleep all night, but I’m left waking up groggy and braindead in the morning, so it’s taking me longer to ‘get together’.

This week has been fantastic! Why? Well, it will be interesting to see how next week turns out. Why again? Two things!

1) I visited docs on Monday for update, we had a fab chat and I think I definitely got my 10mins worth of appointment.  We talked about my son’s transition to college even though it’s still a year away and about my worries about his DLA which also comes up for renewal in a year’s time. I know they are both a year away, but a year goes so quick and I’m concerned about both hugely.  If he doesn’t get his DLA and I lose my Carers Allowance, I have no idea what we will do financially.  I’m worried that PIP which is to replace DLA will not be as much or will be limited and I might still lose Carers.  I’m concerned about him going to college; not because I don’t think he could do the work, he could, but because of the situation, the people, the crowds, etc, but I’m also worried about what happens if he doesn’t get it.  I told my doc that I know that all people worry about this and their kids transition and he replied that ‘yes, they do, but you do have a bit extra to deal with than most’ which I actually found very reassuring and I wanted to give him a hug. Oh and he’s doubled my dose of tablets.

2) He Who I Will Not Name Again worked late shift this week.  It meant that, although he didn’t leave home until 9.15am, he didn’t GET home until 7.15pm.  It meant I had all day, ALL DAY, to do stuff and I did.  I baked, I cooked, I caught up with washing, I actually did some housework, I could stop and rest when I needed to rather than keep going and ending up in agony because I had a time limit, I washed up loads instead of leaving it to fester, I hung washing on the line, I went shopping and I still spent time with my son and took him to trampolining and had friends round and I also went out in one evening!  Yep, I managed to get myself out in the dark; admittedly only to the cinema where I obviously didn’t have to ‘dress up’, but still, it’s the first time I’ve wanted to go out in the evening for ages.  Woo Hoo.

So, I’m now up to date.  I’m on more tablets, but to be honest I feel better.  However, I don’t know whether that is tablets or the fact I’ve had so much more time to do stuff in this week.  As I’ve said, next week will be the decider as HWIWNN is back to earlies.

Cya

MONDAY MORNING - CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF

It’s Monday!  Woke with the normal sense of dread although I have no real reason to dread anything as this week isn’t too bad.  However, conversation in my head went as follows:

Spoilt Brat Voice, ‘I don’t want this week!’

Sensible Voice, ‘Why? It’s a good week and we have Russell Howard on Wednesday.’

SBV, ‘Yes, but we have to sort out train times and it’ll be a late night and what if there is a bus replacement again?’

SV, ‘Well, we won’t know that until we look it up will we? We’ll do that later after we’ve had dinner and there’s nothing to do until everyone has gone to bed.’

SBV, ‘Ok, but then we’ve also got to do our emails and price up cakes and check the price of Kenwood Chef and try and get those tickets for Vikings again and don’t forget we need to email about the computer and….’

SV, ‘Woah! I’m feeling dizzy now.  I’ve put it all down on a list and it doesn’t have to all be done today.  We’ll have to pace ourselves and do a bit each day, stop panicking.’

SBV, ‘I don’t want this week!’

SV, ‘Why now?’

SBV, ‘We’ve got two lots of trampolining! And we mustn’t forget to pay on Tuesday for last Thursday and don’t forget to take the money on Thursday either.’

SV, ‘I know.’

SBV, ‘Can’t we just sit here all day and do nothing?’

SV, ‘No!  We did that yesterday.  We’ve got to sort out the washing from last week, do some more, water the pots out the front, do the computer stuff later and we really should get C up soon and get on with that DNA experiment.’

SBV stamps feet, ‘Don’t want to! I don’t want to do any of that, it’s boring!’

SV, ‘Tough!  Life is often boring and everyone has to do things that they don’t want to do, so get used to it!’

SBV, ‘Shan’t!  Hate it! I don’t want to do the boring stuff. I want to do something exciting.’

SV, ‘Like what?’

SBV, ‘Don’t know.’

SV, ‘Well, there is Russell Howard on Wednesday.’

SBV, ‘Yes, but we have to sort out train times and what if there is rail replacement and what if C doesn’t like it and won’t go in, or doesn’t like being up high.  What if the seats are rubbish……’

And so it goes on! We end up full circle. It drives me mad! All I want to do is wake up one morning and actually feel like I want to do something rather than feel like everything is an effort or a problem.  But, hey ho, life is never going to be like that and I’d get pretty bored if it was, so either way, I can’t win!

Cya

A VERY QUICK RUN DOWN OF THE PAST WEEK - NO MAJOR DISASTERS

It seems that the happy pills may be beginning to work, although it could be that today should have been busy and has turned out empty plus it's a sunny day.  Who knows?

Anyway, this week has been quite fun, quite stressful and generally one of those weeks where I've ticked off the days as I've gone.

The beginning of the week was spent mainly on making and icing a cake for a friend's son's birthday.  I would post up a picture, but it appears that the photo link above isn't working, but then I've had problems with loading photos on here before.  Seems that some days it works and some days it doesn't (bit like me really, hehe).

I attempted to get my son interested in doing some home ed, but he's been a very typical/untypical (cross through as your own teen experience requires) teenage boy and been sleeping for most of the day and very 'can't be bothered' when he is up.  We have, however, managed to set up the start of a DNA extraction experiment, although it has been left for me to finish topping up the funnel to strain the liquid through.  Hey ho.

As to my mental state.  Not bad.  Still feeling tired with occasional twinges of sickness and still need to force myself to get up and get dressed.  Not in the mood really to go anywhere, but at least I'm beginning to feel like doing things around the house.

No major upsets, whinges or guilt feelings this week, so that's all good.  Just haven't been online much as been icing most evenings and attempting to catch up with some telly.

Anyway, that's it for now.  Nought much to write if I'm honest as it would have been pictures mainly.

FRIDAY 4TH - THE GUILT DILEMMA

Firstly I'd like to say that I had a good day yesterday, even though I, once again, didn't get any sleep until gone 2am and then was awake at 6am!  Sun was shining, son's trampolining lesson went well and we had our usual friends back afterwards. Lots of tea and cake served and lots of chat.  Daughter and Granddaughter also visited so had a full house.  Was shattered afterwards and was determined to have an early night.  However, it was not to be and I ended up a little later, 12.30am, rather than the 11pm I'd planned.

Anyway, today I had plans to cook the base cake for a friend's son's birthday and to go shopping for the rest of the ingredients.  Hmmm, that didn't go according to plan as I woke up still shattered and with the worst back ache I'd had for weeks.  Decided that I wasn't going to go out and so had a bit of a laze with a couple of cups of tea before making the base cake (at least that got done).  Struggled to get the washing up done, but did it in two batches.

But I'm digressing as I was going to talk about guilt.

I had a bit of a wallowing self pity day the other day and since then I've been thinking about everyone else's problems which are far worse than mine.

For starters I have at least one friend who is looking out for an elderly relative.  Another who has poorly parents.  I have one friend who is recovering from cancer and another whose partner is contemplating having his foot removed as it isn't healing after 3 years of treatment.  I have several friends who have housing difficulties and lots more with money problems.  It appears that pretty much everyone has something in their lives which is causing trouble, pain, worry and stress, albeit at different levels.  So what gave me the right to whinge on the other day.  I had no right!  In the great plan of things my troubles are minor, some are even self inflicted or at least could be dealt with if I got off my mental arse and did something about it.

Then again, do I have a right to feel guilty?  I wasn't the one who made people poorly, I wasn't the one who caused money troubles and I'm not the landlord being a pig.  I've tried my best to be as supportive as I can to those that are having problems.  I might not being able to do anything more than offer a shoulder to cry on, a cup of tea and a slice of cake or just being on the other end of a text message or email.  I can do no more than I can do.  So, why do I feel guilty?  Why, even if I take out the wallowing, do I still feel guilty.

Does it stem from the fact that I feel inadequate?  Does it stem from the guilt that my mother installed in me whether deliberately or not (I was always to blame for the change in her marriage) or am I just a person who feels guilty even when I know I have no reason to be.  Is it something that is an emotional code in the brain and does it present itself more in some than in others?

On doing a bit of google searching I came across this which may or may not be helpful.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/guilt-the-crippling-emotion/000722

Whatever the reason, I do feel guilt; all the time.  I haven't done enough, I haven't spent enough time with my son/my daughter and I even feel guilty if my son has made more cups of tea than I have.  It's stupid, depleting and sometimes just plain ridiculous, but it happens!  Does anyone else feel the same or is it just me?

WEDNESDAY 2ND APRIL - DOWNTURN, EEEK

Oh dear, that didn't go too well.  Thought I'd have a nice laze in the bath, but just as I started to relax, the brain went into gear.  Was thinking about what I need to do this week and what I was looking forward to and what I wasn't:

Thursday:  All good. *smiley face* Ah, must remember to get up and sweep the house through and the fireplace and shelves need a good dusting. Oh and ensure C is up so we can watch Grimm before E turns up *not so smiley face* .

Friday: All set to get started on a cake that I have commissioned *smiley face* Must get to Aldi and buy some chocolate and a couple of other bits *still smiley face*  Oh, what if they haven't got the choc I want?  Must remember to go to Wilkos on way home and check out some new tins while I'm at it. Oh, and don't forget to ring the PC man about the installer programme and must remember to do the monitoring in the garden with C.  Suddenly Friday isn't looking as calm and collected as I first thought *smiley face waning a bit*

Never mind as Saturday is sort of free in the day.  So anything not done Friday can be done on Saturday *smiley face back*, but then I'm going to have to kick 'other half' out of the kitchen *smiley face starting to look a bit worried* but I've got the quiz night to look forward to in the evening.  Oh, but that means going out, that means getting dressed and, bugger, can't have a drink with the tablets I'm on and what if people don't turn up and what if I make an idiot of myself.  Oh, whatever, it'll be a laugh.  *still smiley face even after tiny hiccup* Must remember, however, that;

Sunday: Babysitting for the day.  That's fine.  If weather nice might go out, if not so good, may go in the garden and there's always indoors with a DVD if necessary.  I know I'll be knackered, but *smiley face*

These thoughts then brought me to next week where I've got the cake to do and I'm panicing about whether it'll get done, be ok, work and that they'll like it.  I'm hoping no disturbances, that home ed will get done and I'll still have time, that my back and hips won't hurt too much.  Now I'm not saying I don't want to do it; I do, I really do, but this is what runs around my head.  Then of course I'm off to London on the Friday and the Saturday, so I'm thinking about train times, whether C will still want to go on Friday, will I be able to get him up in time, will he be moody, will I be moody, making sure money is there and I remember to take it out, whether my hip will be killing me by then and that I won't be expected to walk too much on the Friday and that Saturday the seats will be comfortable.

And the list goes on!  In the end I thought I might as well get out of the bath and come downstairs as it certainly wasn't turning into the relaxing bath I was hoping for.  I wanted to get downstairs and write this out before I forget.

I'm not saying that all of this stuff doesn't go around everyone's head in one way, shape or form, it must do and I'm not looking for sympathy as I know there are busier people out there who work wonders.  All I'm saying is I wish my damn brain would switch off occasionally and give me a break.  I'm now thinking that 'I can't wait for the next two weeks to be over'.  Crazy thought as 99% of what I'm doing I really want to do, but my brain is working overdrive to the point where it just wants to stop and have nothing to do. Really brain, you think that that is going to happen?  Get a grip and stop whinging. *winks*

WEDNESDAY AND TRYING TO GET A SCHEDULE BACK

Hi all, didn't post yesterday as I was exhausted.  After a busy weekend pottering in garden, looking after baby granddaughter and being out with friends on the Monday I was already knackered.

Tuesday morning came and I started the pill popping (see last entry), got up and met another friend of mine for a coffee and a swap of cash for catalogue and party orders.  Sometimes we go out for a coffee and a bit of shopping, sometimes she comes to me and we have a morning at mine with tea and cake.  After finishing the shopping, coming home, feeding dog, hanging out the washing on the line and planting the two new honeysuckle bushes I'd bought in the 99p store, I had a cuppa and waiting for my son to get up.  And I waited and I waited.  Ended up taking up a cuppa to him at 12.10pm to get him up as we had trampoline lesson in the afternoon.  Walked there, went to Subway (took it home instead of staying in) and came home. I ached like hell by this point, was absoluted knackered as I'd have approx 4 hours sleep again and so cancelled another visit that I was supposed to do that day.  Hate cancelling things, but I know that at times, its what is best for me and especially now.  I have to be kind to me!!  Fell asleep for about 15mins on the sofa in the early evening, curled up on sofa and watched mong telly in the later part of the evening and actually had an early night.  Woo hoo!

Today, feeling a little bit more 'with it' although still tired.  Sunshine was a good thing this morning and I decided that I must reintroduce a schedule for doing some home education.  It's now April and we have just over 3 months before the open day, so we need to get work done.  C got up and we had a bit of a discussion.  Going to tackle a bit at a time and use science kits as much as we can as they mean I don't have to spend ages prepping anything as it's already done for us.  Just need to double check if we need to add anything to the kits beforehand.

So, we made a start on Genetics and DNA kit and I left him to fill in a Vitamin question and answer sheet from a project that we started ages ago and never actually did anything with.  Again means I don't have to think too much.

I also went through my diary and cancelled a few things that I really didn't want to do in the first place and pencilled in some 'keep free' dates so that I don't overbook myself.  I know that a lot of how I feel is about management.  It's about learning to say no, about prioritising and not expecting myself to do too much.  I am my own worst enemy as I want to do everything and that is physically impossible.

Maybe the fact that I'm now in my 50s isn't helping.  I may not consciously be thinking that I'm running out of time, but maybe subconsciously I am.  Working on the fact that your parents age of dying equates roughly to your own age, although that isn't a scientific formula, and obviously health and diet will contribute to that I'm working on the fact I should have approximately 20-25 years left!!!  Eeeeek, that is nowhere near long enough and as my physical health isn't exactly brilliant I could have less than that to be physically active.  That is actually a rather scary thought and I do end up falling into the trap of saying yes to absolutely everything as I want to cram it all in.  I know that they say you SHOULD live for today, but today still only has 24 hrs in it and you have to factor in sleep, rest, food, toilet breaks, etc haha, so I really should give myself a break and stop thinking the worst and spread it out a bit.

At the moment I've decided to give myself a small lists of tasks to do each day and I'll work on ticking them off.  If I start to struggle, then I know that the list is too long and if I find it becomes easy, then I'll start adding.  That way I should build up the list until it is managable and I'm happy with it.  The list will include boring housework stuff, paperworky stuff (filing, bills, etc), home ed stuff, garden stuff, social stuff and crafty stuff that I like (hopefully 1 or 2 craft items).  Sounds a lot doesn't it, but some jobs shouldn't take too long so it shouldn't be impossible to do although I will give myself a break if I don't get it all done straight away and obviously not everything will be on the list every day.

So, in short, today I'm feeling a bit more positive, although still tired and achy.  Whether I feel the same tomorrow, I don't know. We shall see.

RELAUNCH AND CLINICAL DEPRESSION

Hi all, I know it's been ages, but I really wasn't in the mood to blog any more.  However, I've decided to relaunch this one as I was, today, diagnosed with clinical depression.  Luckily, currently, its only mild.

I've suffered from depression on and off for most of my life since my teens.  Some attacks are bad, some not so, but all affect me.

From an outsider's point of view I have a pretty good life.  I have a house which I share with my 'partner' (more on that later), my son and our dog.  I don't need to work.  I'm not well off, but the bills get paid.  I'm usually happy and smiley.

BUT....my house is on a mortgage which I never wanted; my partner and I have grown apart and, although still friends, we no longer sleep together or are intimate with each other, I don't cook for him or do his laundry. We are virtually lodgers under the same roof and it mainly works, but sometimes it doesn't.

I home educate my Asperger son who is now 14.  He's a typical teenage boy and wants to spend most of his time on the Xbox or computer.  I worry that we don't do enough especially as he's applying for college this year.  He won't have exams and that isn't a problem, but I worry that he won't get in or, if he does, whether he'll be ok.  He currently has no motivation or enthusiasm and as neither do I, it's hard.

My dog is old, lumpy and coughing.  I can't take him to the vets as I can't afford it and they have already said they wouldn't operate anyway due to his age.  He's eating, drinking, pleased to see us, loves his walks and is generally happy, so I'm not too concerned, but I am worried.  What will we do when he goes?  What will my son think?  Will my 'partner' come home with another one, even though I've already said I don't want another one?

As to me, I'm tired and not sleeping well.  I've got too many things going on in my head and I can't think straight.  And I'm in pain pretty much 100% of the time due to inflammation on my hip and my spine.  My knees have also been playing up due to compensating for the hip and spine (no control over that, the body just does it without you knowing about it).

Every morning I wake up and I don't want to get up, I don't want to get dressed and I don't want to go out. I know that I have to.  I know that staying indoors won't help my mood, but sometimes it's such an effort. Standing in front of a wardrobe with a load of clothes that you don't feel inspired by, often feel like you look a state in and not really wanting to put them on in the first place is difficult and then there is the hair and then the face.  Attempting to wash is often a chore.  Take tonight.  I'd had a lovely afternoon out with friends and then got home exhausted due to lack of sleep last night.  I knew I needed a bath and to eat, but all I actually wanted to do was put on my pjs and curl up on the sofa.  I didn't!  I made a cup of tea, ran a bath, laid in it and read for a while, then washed and put on pjs.  I then quickly put together something with rice and then curled up on the sofa.  It wasn't difficult, but it was a huge effort!

What got me a diagnosis?  I went to the docs and got one.  I always feel a bit low during January, but by mid Feb, I'm normally on the up again.  However, this time it didn't happen, even with those few sunny days we had, I had no energy and no enthusiasm to get out and about.  I knew that this wasn't the 'normal' me and I knew it wasn't getting any better, so an appointment was made.

Luckily I have a good doctor who listens.  A lot of talking was done and then a quick 'quiz' was done and I was then informed that, yes, I had depression.  Some SSRis have been prescribed and I've got to see him again in 6 weeks.  I start the SSRis tomorrow and I know that they will take a time to kick in.  Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors if anyone interested.  And we will see how we get on.

So I'm relaunching the blog.  So I can have a bit of an explanation of how I feel each day and whether things are changing.

What brought it on?  No idea, sometimes there doesn't have to be a reason, sometimes it just happens.