Hi all, I know it's been ages, but I really wasn't in the mood to blog any more. However, I've decided to relaunch this one as I was, today, diagnosed with clinical depression. Luckily, currently, its only mild.
I've suffered from depression on and off for most of my life since my teens. Some attacks are bad, some not so, but all affect me.
From an outsider's point of view I have a pretty good life. I have a house which I share with my 'partner' (more on that later), my son and our dog. I don't need to work. I'm not well off, but the bills get paid. I'm usually happy and smiley.
BUT....my house is on a mortgage which I never wanted; my partner and I have grown apart and, although still friends, we no longer sleep together or are intimate with each other, I don't cook for him or do his laundry. We are virtually lodgers under the same roof and it mainly works, but sometimes it doesn't.
I home educate my Asperger son who is now 14. He's a typical teenage boy and wants to spend most of his time on the Xbox or computer. I worry that we don't do enough especially as he's applying for college this year. He won't have exams and that isn't a problem, but I worry that he won't get in or, if he does, whether he'll be ok. He currently has no motivation or enthusiasm and as neither do I, it's hard.
My dog is old, lumpy and coughing. I can't take him to the vets as I can't afford it and they have already said they wouldn't operate anyway due to his age. He's eating, drinking, pleased to see us, loves his walks and is generally happy, so I'm not too concerned, but I am worried. What will we do when he goes? What will my son think? Will my 'partner' come home with another one, even though I've already said I don't want another one?
As to me, I'm tired and not sleeping well. I've got too many things going on in my head and I can't think straight. And I'm in pain pretty much 100% of the time due to inflammation on my hip and my spine. My knees have also been playing up due to compensating for the hip and spine (no control over that, the body just does it without you knowing about it).
Every morning I wake up and I don't want to get up, I don't want to get dressed and I don't want to go out. I know that I have to. I know that staying indoors won't help my mood, but sometimes it's such an effort. Standing in front of a wardrobe with a load of clothes that you don't feel inspired by, often feel like you look a state in and not really wanting to put them on in the first place is difficult and then there is the hair and then the face. Attempting to wash is often a chore. Take tonight. I'd had a lovely afternoon out with friends and then got home exhausted due to lack of sleep last night. I knew I needed a bath and to eat, but all I actually wanted to do was put on my pjs and curl up on the sofa. I didn't! I made a cup of tea, ran a bath, laid in it and read for a while, then washed and put on pjs. I then quickly put together something with rice and then curled up on the sofa. It wasn't difficult, but it was a huge effort!
What got me a diagnosis? I went to the docs and got one. I always feel a bit low during January, but by mid Feb, I'm normally on the up again. However, this time it didn't happen, even with those few sunny days we had, I had no energy and no enthusiasm to get out and about. I knew that this wasn't the 'normal' me and I knew it wasn't getting any better, so an appointment was made.
Luckily I have a good doctor who listens. A lot of talking was done and then a quick 'quiz' was done and I was then informed that, yes, I had depression. Some SSRis have been prescribed and I've got to see him again in 6 weeks. I start the SSRis tomorrow and I know that they will take a time to kick in. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors if anyone interested. And we will see how we get on.
So I'm relaunching the blog. So I can have a bit of an explanation of how I feel each day and whether things are changing.
What brought it on? No idea, sometimes there doesn't have to be a reason, sometimes it just happens.
