Hello all, I
know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything and I’m wondering if that is
a good thing or a bad thing? Time just seems to be flying.
I admit, I’ve
had some ups and some downs, but that is to be expected. I’ve also had quiet
weeks and busy weeks; I can’t say whether one type of week has been better than
another, because they haven’t, so I know that being at home being able to
potter is no different from having to be out and about doing stuff. I do know
that whatever is going on, it’s in my head and isn’t really in the world around
me. At least I’m not paranoid, haha.
So how have
I been? After going to Miranda, which was extremely funny although I secretly panicked
about getting the train home on time, and going to see Russell Howard, which
was hilarious although I secretly panicked about the seats we had due to them
being high up and the ceiling in the Albert Hall is ‘miles’ away and my son
hates both heights and high ceilings and the train journey home included packed
tubes which my son also is a bit wary of, I had a couple of weeks of being reasonably
quiet apart from feeding my daughter’s cats whilst she was away and going
swimming with the kids (with me sitting on the side drinking tea). I cancelled a few things during those weeks
as I truly did not feel up to doing things especially evening things. In other
words, during that couple of weeks I learnt to say NO! Well, I almost did as I
still should have said no to a couple of other things but didn’t, but at least
it was a start.
Then I had a
week of, what seemed like, hell.
Actually it wasn’t as bad as that, but my brain was all over the place
and I seemed to have one day of feeling great then a day of feeling crap where
all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep.
I had friends round, went bowling with the kids, had two lots of
trampoline lessons to take my son to and had his hair cut. I ended up cancelling a night out as I was
knackered and hot and really couldn’t be bothered to rush about getting myself
some dinner, having a shower and then spending the next half hour standing in
front of the wardrobe screaming in my head that I had nothing to wear. I’d like to point out that I do have stuff to
wear; I have clothes in my wardrobe. I
have a couple of pairs of trousers, several skirts, leggings, a few dresses and
several tops, but I’m at that stage where I hate it all. I’m disliking my body with its lumps, bumps
(or should I say boulders when referring to a particular part(s) of my anatomy)
and rolls and everything I put on makes me feel like a weeble; now showing my
age and if no-one knows what a weeble is, I suggest you google it. I want to go
out and buy new underwear and new clothes, but I don’t even think that would
help as a) I have no money to do so anyway, b) I probably wouldn’t find
anything I like, c) none of it would fit me properly, d) I’d look shit in it
and e) I have no money anyway or have I already said that? So the week ended on
the Friday with me curled up on the sofa and thinking ‘phew, got through
another week and parts were ok and I survived the rest’.
Then on the
Saturday I discovered a new hobby! I
went off to a friend’s house and had the most fun I’d had for ages. I’d discovered crazy quilting! Look it up, can’t be bothered to explain, but
it’s fun, silly and a great way of using up scraps. We were both like school girls discovering
make up for the first time; squealing every time we put another bit in and
ironed it flat. It was stupid, but who
cared; we were having fun and I loved it.
Since then, however, I haven’t managed to get onto the damn sewing
machine to continue with it, but I will.
Last week
was probably the busiest week so far and it wasn’t helped by the Bank Holiday
as it meant He Who I Shall Not Continue To Name was off an extra day. Although
he did use that extra day to continue to watch NCIS which he is trying to get
up to date with me on (he’s on series 5, I’m on series 10), so between doing
computer stuff I rewatched some of those; at least it wasn’t radio 5 Live.
Then it was
Dockyard for Julia Donaldson Exhibition with son, daughter and granddaughter
which was actually a rather lovely afternoon out with me falling asleep on the
sofa pretty much as soon as I got home. Vikings at the British Museum with home
ed friends which was also a good afternoon out with me, again, falling asleep
on the sofa once home. Trampolining and
friends back for tea and cake and then a day off where I recovered some
strength and chilled out a bit partly due to having a stonking headache and
feeling shit. Not a bad week emotionally,
but I think I was just too tired to notice.
Tablets I’m taking seem to allow me to sleep all night, but I’m left
waking up groggy and braindead in the morning, so it’s taking me longer to ‘get
together’.
This week
has been fantastic! Why? Well, it will be interesting to see how next week
turns out. Why again? Two things!
1) I visited
docs on Monday for update, we had a fab chat and I think I definitely got my
10mins worth of appointment. We talked
about my son’s transition to college even though it’s still a year away and
about my worries about his DLA which also comes up for renewal in a year’s
time. I know they are both a year away, but a year goes so quick and I’m
concerned about both hugely. If he doesn’t
get his DLA and I lose my Carers Allowance, I have no idea what we will do financially. I’m worried that PIP which is to replace DLA
will not be as much or will be limited and I might still lose Carers. I’m concerned about him going to college; not
because I don’t think he could do the work, he could, but because of the
situation, the people, the crowds, etc, but I’m also worried about what happens
if he doesn’t get it. I told my doc that
I know that all people worry about this and their kids transition and he
replied that ‘yes, they do, but you do have a bit extra to deal with than most’
which I actually found very reassuring and I wanted to give him a hug. Oh and
he’s doubled my dose of tablets.
2) He Who I
Will Not Name Again worked late shift this week. It meant that, although he didn’t leave home
until 9.15am, he didn’t GET home until 7.15pm.
It meant I had all day, ALL DAY, to do stuff and I did. I baked, I cooked, I caught up with washing,
I actually did some housework, I could stop and rest when I needed to rather
than keep going and ending up in agony because I had a time limit, I washed up loads
instead of leaving it to fester, I hung washing on the line, I went shopping
and I still spent time with my son and took him to trampolining and had friends
round and I also went out in one evening!
Yep, I managed to get myself out in the dark; admittedly only to the
cinema where I obviously didn’t have to ‘dress up’, but still, it’s the first
time I’ve wanted to go out in the evening for ages. Woo Hoo.
So, I’m now
up to date. I’m on more tablets, but to
be honest I feel better. However, I don’t
know whether that is tablets or the fact I’ve had so much more time to do stuff
in this week. As I’ve said, next week
will be the decider as HWIWNN is back to earlies.
Cya
