SCUPPERING MYSELF WITH ALCOHOL AND ANOTHER THING.....

Ok, I know it’s not Monday and I’ve lost a week, but wanted to write something. So what’s happened?

Well, I basically scuppered myself up big time. Went out on Saturday and had a fab time catching up at a works reunion and got rather drunk on vodka; actually I got totally plastered on vodka. Woke up on Sunday with the usual hangover of dehydration headache, light sensitive eyes and feeling sick so I locked myself away in the bedroom, curled up under duvet and blanket with a large bottle of water and a damp flannel on my forehead to sleep it off. I was sick once, but that’s ok. Slept most of the day and on rising about 4pm, I managed to eat, drink a cuppa and felt almost human again. Hoorah!

However, Monday I awoke with the worst acid stomach I’ve had for a long, long time. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t drink without getting the most awful pain of burning all the way down throat and into tummy. Ouch, but my own fault. Thought, never mind, it’ll be fine tomorrow; it wasn’t!! It was worse!! So had to let a friend down re a cake I was supposed to be making and because I hadn’t eaten much in the previous couple of days, I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. Managed to drink sips of water and ate a bowl of mashed potato and discovered that sipping milk eased the pain a little. Stupid, stupid person! Hiatus Hernia definitely kicking in and severely telling me off.

Wednesday I had to get up and get C off to art class and luckily I wasn’t feeling too bad, just very, very sick! Went up the chemist afterwards as I couldn’t take it any longer and got myself some milk of magnesia (didn’t even know they made that anymore) and dosed myself up with that for the rest of the day.

It’s now Friday, I’m still feeling queasy, but at least I’m able to eat and drink now. Vodka will be off the menu for a while and it’ll be seriously off the menu in large quantities that’s for sure, in fact alcohol in general needs to be kept in small doses as obviously I’m not able to deal with overdoing it anymore. Hey ho!

As to everything else this week; no major moan ups as I've been out of picture for most of the week although I did watch some TV prog where they said that forgiveness is cathartic!! At the time this really naffed me off; so if someone really hurts your feelings or betrays you, you should forgive them as it will make you feel better! How? Basically, they can do what they like, get away with it and you will feel better by forgiving them. Really? I know that you should “turn the other cheek”, “don’t lower yourself to their level” and all that, but really, should I just go “go ahead, do what you like, I won’t mind as I’ll forgive you”? Sure, in small situations I would, but in bigger ones, i.e., betrayal of trust, I’m sorry, but I can’t and how many times should you before its ok to say I don’t forgive you anymore. I’m not going to be treated like a doormat and I feel that if I continuously forgive someone then that’s exactly what I would be.

My mum, for instance, told me on several occasions that she didn’t want me, told me that she only had me for my dad’s sake and that I’d ruined her marriage. Now I’m sorry, but I can’t forgive that. I may be able to understand to some extent why she said that; it later transpired that she suffered depression off and on all her life (as do I), but to say things like that to your child is unforgivable. I suffer, as I’ve said, from depression, but I would never, ever dream of saying anything like that to either of my kids as it isn’t true and, even if it was, that isn’t fair or right!

So where do you draw the line? When is it ok to say “do you know what, I don’t forgive you”? When is it ok to actually say “that was hurtful, unforgivable and you’re a complete arse! Get out of my life!” Or when is it ok to seek revenge? Because sometimes that is incredible cathartic!

Cya

PS: No sympathy is being asked for in any of the situations I’ve written about. The first was self-inflicted and I deserved everything I got and the second is so long ago now and said mother has passed away that, although not either forgotten or forgiven, it’s not a problem anymore and I’m hopefully learning from it in respect of raising my own children.

A cabinet of curiosities that I aspire to

TALKING OF THIS MORNING!!!

http://www.gravesendreporter.co.uk/news/exclusive_compulsory_abortion_for_down_s_syndrome_foetuses_says_ukip_kent_candidate_1_1745952

This is disgraceful!!!  Where will it end?

On the one hand I can see that he's using the 'drain on the NHS'/'burden on the state' card and there will be a lot of people who agree with it, BUT....

Do we then:
Refuse NHS treatment for alcohol/drug abuse or treatment for injuries associated with said alcohol/drug abuse.
Refuse NHS treatment for people who have 'stupidly' inserted objects where they shouldn't have,
Refuse NHS treatment for people who've had an accident when they've been a bit clumsy; do you classify an old person who has fallen down the stairs as accidental or their own fault as they should know that they aren't good at going up or down stairs at their age.  Who decides this?
Euthanise all long term ill patients.

Do we then:
Sterilise all mentally ill patients,
Sterilise the long term unemployed; after all any children that they have whilst receiving benefit is a 'burden on the state' as 'we', the public are paying their extra benefits.
Abort all children that have any disability that can be shown up.
Euthanise all infants that are born disabled.

Do we bring back the death penalty for major offenses?
Do we sterilise all repeat offenders?
Do we euthanise all repeat offenders?

What the hell, why don't we just stick all the unemployed, all the immigrants, all the criminals and all the disabled up against a wall and shoot the lot of them. There!  Drains sorted.  Burdens sorted.


I know that this seems excessive.  I know that it seems extreme.  And, I might add, I don't agree with it. But, remember, it starts with something small, it starts with something that was never acceptable before to be acceptable now and it will get worse.  It will slowly seep through the cracks and before you know it we're in a Hitler State, where only those 'humans' that those in power deem to be 'correct' will exist and everyone else is DEAD!

Cya (again)....or maybe you won't; depends on who gets in!

REGULAR WRITING IS HARD

Hiya folks; see I told you I'm crap at updating :-)

To be honest, I'm finding it difficult to post as I don't think most things are interesting enough and I don't want to get into the habit of 'Monday I did this', 'Tuesday I did this' or 'I've eaten this today', you get the picture.

If something has annoyed me or cheered me up no end, that's different, but how often in life does that happen?  I mean really happen?  I'm not talking about finding positive in every day, that's normally pretty easy.  My son getting up and saying 'hi' is positive, my dog looking up expectantly for his morning biscuits is positive, drinking my cup of tea by myself in the quiet is positive.  All those little things that you are supposed to look at, if you have depression like me, are easy peasy and trying not to dwell on negative things like stupid comments from your partner or news items that you think are truely unbelievable in this so called modern world is also easy.

What I'm talking about is those 'blow your mind' moments of pure, ecstatic, happiness or 'gobsmacking' moments of sheer surprise or, even, 'what the fuck?' moments of totally and utter disbelief or anger.  Those moments are rare and sporadic; they have to be otherwise they wouldn't 'blow your mind', be 'gobsmacking' or make you want to say 'what the fuck?'.  Imagine living a life that was full of those moments.  For starters that probably would wear a bit thin after a while and wouldn't be quite so awe expiring and if they didn't become a bit 'dull', you'd be exhausted emotionally from dealing with them.

So blogs, columns, diaries or whatever you choose to write or read become a bit mundane after a while.  Trying to constantly think of something interesting to say is tiring, it's hard, it's damn near impossible on a consistant basis and is probably why novellists tend to bring out only one good book every two or three years and hats off to proffesional columnists and bloggers, that's what I say.

If this is the case, then why am I writing today?  Well, an old teacher of mine said that to write, you must write!  Sounds stupid and pretty obvious, but it's true.  I had no idea on what I was going to write today, but I've decided that every Monday (we'll see how long it lasts) I will write a blog, so I opened up my page, clicked new post and sat here.  Didn't know what to say, so, as in when I couldn't think of what to do for some homework that was given to me on a writing course I wrote a poem about why I couldn't think of what to do for the homework, I've written about why I can't always write on a regular basis.  What has that meant?  Well, I've written; a reasonable amount to be honest.  It might not be awe inspiring, it might not be well written, but at least it isn't 'Monday, I did this' or 'I ate this over the weekend'.

Cya

Not exactly the best photo in the world, but 'first blossoms on the plum tree' taken this morning