This blog was originally supposed to be about my thoughts and feelings on things. Sometimes good thoughts, sometimes not. It was supposed to be about what goes on in my ever changing head. These changes can often confuse me, scare me or uplift me, just as everyone's does I suppose. Anyway, this is my post for today. I wasn't sure about it at first, but I think I need to start being honest with myself.
My Constantly Changing Mind:
I’ve been
thinking this for some time, but I’m now committing it to paper, well blog anyway. I’m a fickle bugger! There, I've said it. I’m not sure what it is about my phobia of commitment,
but I definitely have one. Well, I think
I have one; maybe I just have a form of attention disorder.
I came to this conclusion the other day when
I was browsing online for information on a programme I’ve been watching and
realised that I’d searched out the same sort of information about another programme a
few months ago and another programme a few months before that and I realised there was a pattern and a rather disturbing form of obsession. I tend to throw myself into things full on
and then get bored.
I’m the same with relationships (I do not mean friendships) and jobs. I lose interest once I’ve learnt a job and want to look for another and in relationships I’ve lost my fascination after about 3 years and am beginning to wander; sometimes literally, but mostly mentally. In fact I get bored with lots of other things too; hobbies, houses, TV, etc. The only things I have never ever got bored with are my children, my true friends, being outdoors and chocolate and I have always returned to things like preserving, writing and being creative, but this come in fits and starts and tends to run in cycles. Hence the trouble I have with keeping diaries or blogs up to date.
I’m the same with relationships (I do not mean friendships) and jobs. I lose interest once I’ve learnt a job and want to look for another and in relationships I’ve lost my fascination after about 3 years and am beginning to wander; sometimes literally, but mostly mentally. In fact I get bored with lots of other things too; hobbies, houses, TV, etc. The only things I have never ever got bored with are my children, my true friends, being outdoors and chocolate and I have always returned to things like preserving, writing and being creative, but this come in fits and starts and tends to run in cycles. Hence the trouble I have with keeping diaries or blogs up to date.
I’ve never
wanted to marry; the idea of promising to be with someone for the rest of my
life seems totally idiotic and, to be honest, terrifying to me. I have no idea what I’m going to be like in a
week’s time, let alone a decade or two or three or….. you get the picture. How can I possibly say that I will stay with
them forever? And more to the point, how
can I possibly ask them to stay with me?
Take my current
partner; I’ve been with him for 14 years (that’s an eternity in my books) and
to be honest we really haven’t been ‘together’ for the last 5 of those. We started off liking the same things,
wanting the same things, enjoying each other’s company, etc. But things have changed, I’ve changed, he’s
changed (as we do). I don’t watch the same
stuff anymore, I don’t want the same things as I did and we never really have
anything to talk to each other about. He drinks way too much in my opinion and daily whereas I drink only socially which therefore means rarely. He smokes, I don’t. He still wants a nice house and garden and I want a caravan in a field. He’s into buying property, I prefer to rent (commitment again). His idea of being old and grey is us being together going out for a drink or going away for weekends. My idea of being old and grey is to be on my own doing what the hell I please when the hell I please to do it! But at the moment we are in a mutual 'getting on with it' phase.
Maybe it’s
because I’m an only child, but I hate using that childhood trauma card (and,
boy, could I use it). Maybe it’s
because I’m a Gemini; they are supposed to be two faced you know, but that just
seems like an easy and probably very stupid excuse. I could say that I live with two Aspis who
are exhausting to be around and I need a break, but no, I’m going to say I’m
fickle because I’m a selfish, enjoy my own company way to much, grumpy old cow. Although some of the above may have an
influence on some of my behaviour, hehe.
I do not feel
happy about my noncommittal feelings, nor do I feel unhappy about them. I do, on the other hand, feel sorry for those
that lie in the wake of my fickleness. I
hate to hurt people, I hate to disappoint them too, but there are times in my
life when I just have to do what is best for me and that can be minor things
like changing my hobbies or major things like changing my life.
