MONDAY MORNING.....WHAT THE HELL?

Ok, I've had a rather fab weekend.  Seem to be making a habit of those lately.  Saturday was a lazy one with a bit of shopping, bit of gardening, bit of telly catching upping, you're getting the idea and Sunday was the excellent Fuse Festival in Rochester Castle grounds with my beloved son, who is now the grand old age of 16!  We love the Fuse Festival and, luckily, it always falls on the weekend of his birthday so we can't forget it, hehe and it gives us something definite to do.  Favourite acts of the year were The Giant Balloon Show, which, no matter how many times we see it, still cracks us up and The Most Dangerous Cup of Tea in the World which was very silly with a bit of slapstick thrown in.

 

Giant Balloon 

 

Dangerous Cup of Tea




However, last night, for some unknown reason, I couldn't get comfortable and therefore didn't sleep well.  This has meant that I've woken up later than I wanted and am totally 'not with it'.  I'd like to sit in the corner and play silly buggers on FB or watch a movie.  What I NEED to do is clean up, feed the dogs, sort out dinner for later, do my finances and check what my son is up to on the home ed front.  Can't believe it's nearly 1.30pm and I haven't even put my bed away (I sleep on a Zbed downstairs due to back and sleep problems).  I have a feeling that this week is going to be a long one. There has already been one change of plan and I sense there is more on the way.

I'm still in Glastonbury panic mode although nowhere near as bad as before, but I will feel better once I've packed, repacked, sorted, probably packed again and know that everything is ready.  I probably won't be truely relaxed until we are there and the tent is up; damn this anxiety thingy.

It's also a friend's birthday this week and do you think I can find the present I made her?  Nope, of course I can't....Grrrrrr!  So will have to get something small and give the actual present to her when I've found it.  It's around somewhere!

Anyway, just a quickie.  Really must get going and get on with stuff as supposed to be off to cinema later this evening and want to tick off my list before I go.

Cya

GOOD TIMES AND A WEIRD PANIC ATTACK

Oh dear, have had a funny couple of weeks and an extremely odd panic attack.

But starting on a good note; had a fab day out for my birthday with my daughter taking a trip down to Rochester for the day, including my first Dickens Festival.  Was nowhere near as busy as I expected and, to be honest, a bit disappointing on the Dickens front, although did see a fair few fab steampunk costumes.  We started off with breakfast in the café before catching the train to Rochester. Then a wander round the shops, stalls and flea market before having coffee and cake in Bruno’s which, I’m happy to report does, at least one, gluten free option.

Got spoilt rotten in Hometown and home to fish pie (my favourite) cooked by my partner.

Staying with the birthday treats; had another breakfast bought for me by a friend on Tuesday and a good catch up as we hadn’t seen each other for a fair while.

This past weekend was the pub reunion which was awesome.  Loads of people, we packed out the pub, good company (some of whom I hadn’t seen for 30 years) and brilliant music.

This week, I’ve been really tired as the dog wasn’t well over the weekend and kept me up most of Sunday night and I don’t think I’ve really caught up.  Probably because of this, I had a huge panic attack, which was totally stupid and pointless and bizarre, about the up and coming trip to Glastonbury Festival.  Woke up at 4am with thoughts of not being able to pitch the tent due to space, having to put it up in the dark, losing my granddaughter because we were struggling with the tent and all such ridiculous things that, at the time, seemed monumental but after much thought were just mental without the monu!

I think I’m being far too hard on myself and am probably trying to be responsible for everything, including people’s enjoyment, which is ridiculous!  I’m sure half of it is due to having had sixteen years of being totally responsible for someone’s ability to cope and having to have planned, with military precision, every trip we’ve ever done (taking into account all eventualities and worst case scenarios as my son was a ‘runner’ when small).  It’s a hard habit to break, but I must break it.

I think if I was going by myself I wouldn’t be feeling anywhere near as stressed which seems odd when I think about it as I would have thought it would make it worse being by myself. But, having done a lot more by myself recently and enjoying it because I’ve not had to feel responsible for anyone but me, the relief of not having to worry about anyone has been rather liberating.  So when I am with someone I revert back to the worrying and the feeling that I need to be in control so that, should anything go wrong, I’ll be able to deal with it straight away rather than just accepting that something has gone wrong and going with the flow.

Anyway, I’m ok at the moment and, to be honest, I’m looking forward to it although I have no idea what my plans are re seeing any bands.  Before then, however, I’ve got my son’s birthday today, a day trip out planned next week and a weekend full of my granddaughter’s birthday party next Saturday and our family Nerf War’s day next Sunday.  This weekend C is off with his dad tomorrow to a model railway show and we are off to Fuse Festival in Rochester on Sunday; busy, busy, busy.  Which is probably a good thing, ha ha; maybe it’ll stop me from having ‘over the top’ stresses.

Cya

Dapper Gent 

Butterfly Ladies (also seen at ComicCon)

GOT THAT FRIDAY FEELING!

It’s Friday – woo hoo!!

It’s PJ day – double woo hoo!!

It has been a long week this week as it’s the busy one with home ed as we’ve had two lots of trampolining and the start of our course at Royal Engineers Museum.  I’ve also been having trouble sleeping; averaging about 5 hours a night and some of that broken, so been a bit of a zombie.

Today, however, and maybe because I know it’s an easy day, I’m feeling fine.  Catching up on computer bits; new timetable, accounts both my own and trampoline class’, orders, Facebook, etc, etc.  I’ve made soup for lunch and Callum has been pottering too, catching up with some work and fiddling about with computer bits.

I’m also feeling extremely loved!  My birthday isn’t until tomorrow, but I’ve already been treated to a cinema night, seeing Mad Max which was like a post-apocalyptic Fast and Furious on steroids and totally brilliant, been given a beautiful ‘Stonehenge’ oil burner, a book, several cards and umpteen bunches of flowers, so my house smells wonderful.

Tulips and Parrot Tulips

Roses plus

More roses, Arum Lillies plus

I’ve got a day out planned with my daughter for my actual birthday and a breakfast being bought for me next Tuesday!  I’m feeling very lucky and very privileged to have such fab friends and gorgeous children; my son, Callum, giving me more money for my Glastonbury fund.

I’m pleased to announce that this week’s blog has no moans or groans and is short.  Must be a first!!

Cya

http://www.re-museum.co.uk/

http://www.therochesterflea.com/

ANXIETY Vs DEPRESSION: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

I want to start by saying that I’ve just had a fab weekend.  Yup, really!

Friday my son and I met up with some friends and went to Margate.  Initially it was supposed to be a visit to the Turner Gallery for an exhibition and a wander round before heading off to the beach for a laze, look at the sea and meet up with some other friends of ours that live there.  On a bit of a reconnaissance check a couple of days before, I’d discovered that, although the exhibition we wanted to see was open, the rest of the gallery was shut. ‘Fine’ my friend said, ‘let’s still go’, so we did.

We get there; the weather is great, not too hot, and not too cold.  We walked to the gallery and, although the exhibition was on, it wasn’t functioning (it was supposed to be cymbals, which you could ‘play’) as there was a conference going on and they didn’t want the sound to interfere. Hrumph!!  This isn’t good.  So I decide to find out about the Shell Grotto as haven’t been since The Boy was small; it’s open, we go, its fab!  Then back to the beach, later than anticipated, to meet up, briefly, with said local friends. What could have been a disastrous day turned out quite good. Phew!

Then Saturday I went off on my ownsie to Comic Con at Excel Centre, London!  Was so nice not to have to worry about anyone else’s stresses, anxieties, wants and not wants; I left home when I was ready, I did what I wanted to do, attended whatever talks I fancied and I came home when I was ready.  Lovely!

Sunday; I pretty much slept all day and caught up with telly in between snoozes.

Monday I should have woken up refreshed, but noooooooo!!  I’d had trouble getting to sleep Sunday night (fair enough as I’d slept off and on for most of the day) and I woke up at 6am!  Wide awake, but not really with it; mentally gone, but physically hyper active; so spent all day pottering about cleaning, washing, hanging said washing out to dry, dusting, sorting and catching up with the odd prog I didn’t manage to watch the day before.  Went to bed at a reasonable hour, for me, and slept well.

Expected to wake up feeling gooooooood; I didn’t!  Today I am still tired, but I’m not only mentally tired, I’m physically tired too; I could quite happily have the day at home doing a bit more tidying up, having a lovely soak in the bath and generally taking it easy.  I can’t!  It’s private trampolining for The Boy today and, because we are already out, it’ll be a trip to the library to return a book, Subway for late lunch, passport photos for me as I’m running out of time to get an ID card for Glasto and another trip into the bank to take money from The Boy’s book account to pay directly into my credit card as his telly blew yesterday.

Now I know that isn’t a lot, I know that, actually, that’s a pretty easy day, but I’m getting sick of it all.  I’m fed up with organising anything and everything, I’m totally stressing about money, I was stressed all yesterday in case he ‘blew’ his new telly because of some miss-wiring in his computer (he built it and so far all is well) and, because I’m stressed, my brain keeps returning to the dreaded renewal of DLA which still hasn’t dropped through my door yet! Aaargh! I’m beginning to feel like those kids at school that, by the middle of July, are just desperate for the term to end and the summer holidays to begin. I want it all to stop!

I’m wondering if I’m depressed again; symptoms like being tired, erratic sleeping, feeling brain dead, not wanting to face things, etc are here again.  But, I do want to go out, even if it is mainly by myself. I do want to get dressed and take care of myself so I don’t think I’m depressed.  I’m just anxious.  I’m just stressed.  Hence the title of this blog; Anxiety vs Depression: What’s the Difference?  I must look into it!

Cya

FEELING DISCONNECTED!

Hi all, sorry not written, it's been a weird couple of weeks with regard to the virtual world.  I avoided as much as I could the week after the election due to my total disbelief that the Torys got in and the subsequent panic attacks and depression that followed.  I wanted to distance myself from everyone's anger, posts, comments, worries and outrage as I was feeling very delicate myself and didn't want to spiral and I certainly didn't want to blog in that state as I felt I'd done all that already.

A few weeks on and there is still disbelief and outrage on places like Facebook, but I'm now in that state of mind that it's a bit like closing the gate after the horse has bolted.  I know all of those that are still raging didn't vote them in, but enough now please.  It's happened!  Apart from assasination and/or attempting to do our bit by signed petitions, there really isn't anything we can do about it now and, to be honest, assasination won't help as another bugger from the same party will just step up. We had our say and others voted wrongly, whether by choice or tactical voting, they are in and we have to deal with it.  So please, please stop posting.  Please, please can we have something more positive, something uplifting, something funny to brighten the dark days that we now have to endure for the next 5 years.  Yes, sorry to remind you, but we have 5 more years of this and I dread to think about what the state of this country will be in by the end of it.

I've withdrawn a bit for the moment.  I'm not in the mood to socialise and I'm trying desparately to get everything paid off or necessities bought before the dreaded day when my money will, probably, stop.  Perhaps I'm just practicing ;-)  I do have a few things with my son planned and I do have Glastonbury to look forward to, luckily paid now and, after kind donations at Xmas and up and coming birthday, I should have some spending money (even if it's only enough to feed myself and provide myself with tea), but I must admit that in my head, the calendar stops at the end of July.  After that I'm in no man's land with regard to plans, money, my son's education, etc.  Won't know until at least then if we are safe for another year or we're holed up indoors for the next however many until either he's old enough and confident enough and able to get himself a job and/or I am capable of finding one that fits in with my pain threshold.

STOP!  I'm off again and that isn't what I'm supposed to be doing.

Decided I'm just going to add some photos that cheer me up and start to do what I want other's to do - be a bit more positive.

My gorgeous kids and grandchild with The Gruffalo

A lucky spot whilst at Fort Horsted

Cheeky Chappy at Heligan

Me and my longest known mates at Hever

Pig!  Just because

Plate spinning (yes I really was)

Natural History Museum Butterflies

Sweet little things, cunningly hidden

Cya

BLACK CLOUDS ARE HOVERING

Funny old week.  Been up and down with energy levels and mental capacity to deal with stuff.  Have cancelled a couple of nights out partly due to not feeling up to it, but also because I have a few big days out planned this month and need to prioritise my 'wants' in comparison to my money situation.  But, overall, it's not been too bad.

Anything upset me this week? Hmm, not really, although some things have made me raise questions in my own head.

I have to admit I've been keeping my head down, so no watching of news, not really checked into Facebook that much and when I have, I've skipped over things that I knew would either upset me, anger me or appall me.  Is that bad?

I hate people who bury their head in the sand, but I've done exactly that this week so I'm now wondering if it's a bad thing or not.  I think on a permanent basis it is, but every now and then I think it's probably an essential thing to do for your own sanity.  I've got a lot of issues going on at the moment which are pretty close to home, so, although what is going on abroad is upsetting, I'm not up to dealing with apart from the odd campaign which is easy to sign.

Ok, I'm going to admit it, I'm scared!  Callum's DLA comes up for renewal in a couple of months as he's 16.  Not only that, but PIP is coming into affect and I'm not sure if it will be in our area when the renewal comes up.  I don't understand PIP and I don't like things that I don't understand.  Need to make an appointment with Kent Autistic Trust and hopefully they will be able to enlighten me.  He currently gets enough DLA for me to claim Carers Allowance (which I've always found strange as I'm his mum and I'd care for him anyway; doesn't matter how many times people say "but you have extra to deal with" or "you'll have more difficulty finding work to fit around him", etc and with regard to the second one I have found that to be entirely true and even worse now that we home educate). That means that I currenly have approximately £550 a month coming into the house.  That covers all his home education including his trampolining classes, maths tutor, books, online courses, social engagements, etc.  It also covers his sensitivity issues with regard to clothing, his glasses (although he is under NHS at the moment, it doesn't cover the polarisation he needs because of his optical migraines), my mobile bill, my loan (times got stupidly out of sorts a few years back), my clothing, our haircuts, days out when we really need a break, my life insurance, my osteopath for my tilted pelvis, his investment account (he really wants to learn to drive so we took out a investment account to save for lessons and hopefully a small, second hand car), a small part of the TV licence and the TV bill as he has his own Tivo box and various other little things like the odd Subway, his Xbox magazine, etc (which I don't begrudge him as other kids probably get the same sort of thing).  If this money stops we'll have nothing, so no treats, no clothes, no money for specialist stuff, no trampolining, no social engagements and the TV will have to go.

Now I know that some of those things aren't essential, ie, the TV and his own box.  I.e. social time although some people in the know re Autism will argue (rightly so) that socialisation for ASD kids is essential for learning how to deal with the outside world which is so scary for them in the first place and neural typical kids need socialisation.  They must do as it's the first thing that anyone, even authorities, ask me about when I mention home education; first thing, not education plans; socialisation plans - honestly.

He'll have to stop trampolining and that is a shame as he has done so well and loves it so much and it's the only physical thing he really does apart from walking.

Lord alone knows how I'll pay for things like clothing and glasses and his maths teacher will be out of the question.

Then there's me.  How will I pay off the loan?  I'll have to give up my phone. My life insurance will have to be cancelled. I'll not be able to have osteopathy treatment so I'll be in constant pain and they'll be no breaks for me when I need them, so depression will spiral.

What about my partner I hear you ask?  Well, although he earns what the government thinks is over and above what we need, ie, we aren't entitled to Tax Credit (he's just over the limit even with the disability bit), he's in debt, so he doesn't have much left over at the end of the month once he's paid out for the mortgage, contents and building insurance, his own life insurance, debt, food and the money he gives me for utilities as they are all in my name.

It's infuriating to know that on paper we are ok, but in reality we aren't!  I'm scared stiff of losing the money as my situation won't change.  Callum won't miraculously not have Asperger, his issues won't disappear overnight just because we aren't receiving benefits, my hip won't just put itself back and stay there, I won't stop suffering from pain or depression.  And I certainly won't be able to jump into a job that pays what I will lose, still be able to home educate and who will let me stay at home at the drop of a hat because my son has had a meltdown or because I can't move due to pain.

There are a lot of people in my position, some of them in worse positions than me with either more complicated health issues or with people that they care about who are far worse than Callum, but the government just doesn't seem to care!  They don't see the lives that are led, the worries that we have or the day to day problems that we encounter.  All they see is the money that they will save or think they will save as in the long run they'll be paying out for more hospital visits by me as my physical and mental health deteriorates as will Callum's.  They don't see the savings they are already making by not paying for outside care that we Carer's are doing ourselves (and believe me it'll cost them a lot more than the 60 odd quid a week that they pay us in allowances).

I often think that if I actually split up from my partner, go and live in rental accommodation and claim benefits I'd either be better off or, at least, not worse off which is an awful thing to think, but when I see people who are on benefits with they huge TVs, their holidays, their kids in designer clothes with the latest technology in their pockets, I can't help but think WTF is going on?  I know that not all people on benefits are like that, but it is certainly portrayed that way in the media.

We are just an ordinary family.  I'm a stay at home mum who cares for her child with problems.  My partner works hard and continues to work no matter how shitty the job is.  We don't have holidays; we can't afford them.  Our house is falling apart, but we can't afford to fix it without getting into more debt.  And now, I'm living under the blackest cloud of losing a huge chunk of money that truely does just get us by each month just because some idiot who knows nothing about us thinks we may not deserve it anymore.

Good times had with simple things and good friends - no technology required.

Rant over!  Off to drown myself in a cup of tea.
Cya

SCUPPERING MYSELF WITH ALCOHOL AND ANOTHER THING.....

Ok, I know it’s not Monday and I’ve lost a week, but wanted to write something. So what’s happened?

Well, I basically scuppered myself up big time. Went out on Saturday and had a fab time catching up at a works reunion and got rather drunk on vodka; actually I got totally plastered on vodka. Woke up on Sunday with the usual hangover of dehydration headache, light sensitive eyes and feeling sick so I locked myself away in the bedroom, curled up under duvet and blanket with a large bottle of water and a damp flannel on my forehead to sleep it off. I was sick once, but that’s ok. Slept most of the day and on rising about 4pm, I managed to eat, drink a cuppa and felt almost human again. Hoorah!

However, Monday I awoke with the worst acid stomach I’ve had for a long, long time. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t drink without getting the most awful pain of burning all the way down throat and into tummy. Ouch, but my own fault. Thought, never mind, it’ll be fine tomorrow; it wasn’t!! It was worse!! So had to let a friend down re a cake I was supposed to be making and because I hadn’t eaten much in the previous couple of days, I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. Managed to drink sips of water and ate a bowl of mashed potato and discovered that sipping milk eased the pain a little. Stupid, stupid person! Hiatus Hernia definitely kicking in and severely telling me off.

Wednesday I had to get up and get C off to art class and luckily I wasn’t feeling too bad, just very, very sick! Went up the chemist afterwards as I couldn’t take it any longer and got myself some milk of magnesia (didn’t even know they made that anymore) and dosed myself up with that for the rest of the day.

It’s now Friday, I’m still feeling queasy, but at least I’m able to eat and drink now. Vodka will be off the menu for a while and it’ll be seriously off the menu in large quantities that’s for sure, in fact alcohol in general needs to be kept in small doses as obviously I’m not able to deal with overdoing it anymore. Hey ho!

As to everything else this week; no major moan ups as I've been out of picture for most of the week although I did watch some TV prog where they said that forgiveness is cathartic!! At the time this really naffed me off; so if someone really hurts your feelings or betrays you, you should forgive them as it will make you feel better! How? Basically, they can do what they like, get away with it and you will feel better by forgiving them. Really? I know that you should “turn the other cheek”, “don’t lower yourself to their level” and all that, but really, should I just go “go ahead, do what you like, I won’t mind as I’ll forgive you”? Sure, in small situations I would, but in bigger ones, i.e., betrayal of trust, I’m sorry, but I can’t and how many times should you before its ok to say I don’t forgive you anymore. I’m not going to be treated like a doormat and I feel that if I continuously forgive someone then that’s exactly what I would be.

My mum, for instance, told me on several occasions that she didn’t want me, told me that she only had me for my dad’s sake and that I’d ruined her marriage. Now I’m sorry, but I can’t forgive that. I may be able to understand to some extent why she said that; it later transpired that she suffered depression off and on all her life (as do I), but to say things like that to your child is unforgivable. I suffer, as I’ve said, from depression, but I would never, ever dream of saying anything like that to either of my kids as it isn’t true and, even if it was, that isn’t fair or right!

So where do you draw the line? When is it ok to say “do you know what, I don’t forgive you”? When is it ok to actually say “that was hurtful, unforgivable and you’re a complete arse! Get out of my life!” Or when is it ok to seek revenge? Because sometimes that is incredible cathartic!

Cya

PS: No sympathy is being asked for in any of the situations I’ve written about. The first was self-inflicted and I deserved everything I got and the second is so long ago now and said mother has passed away that, although not either forgotten or forgiven, it’s not a problem anymore and I’m hopefully learning from it in respect of raising my own children.

A cabinet of curiosities that I aspire to

TALKING OF THIS MORNING!!!

http://www.gravesendreporter.co.uk/news/exclusive_compulsory_abortion_for_down_s_syndrome_foetuses_says_ukip_kent_candidate_1_1745952

This is disgraceful!!!  Where will it end?

On the one hand I can see that he's using the 'drain on the NHS'/'burden on the state' card and there will be a lot of people who agree with it, BUT....

Do we then:
Refuse NHS treatment for alcohol/drug abuse or treatment for injuries associated with said alcohol/drug abuse.
Refuse NHS treatment for people who have 'stupidly' inserted objects where they shouldn't have,
Refuse NHS treatment for people who've had an accident when they've been a bit clumsy; do you classify an old person who has fallen down the stairs as accidental or their own fault as they should know that they aren't good at going up or down stairs at their age.  Who decides this?
Euthanise all long term ill patients.

Do we then:
Sterilise all mentally ill patients,
Sterilise the long term unemployed; after all any children that they have whilst receiving benefit is a 'burden on the state' as 'we', the public are paying their extra benefits.
Abort all children that have any disability that can be shown up.
Euthanise all infants that are born disabled.

Do we bring back the death penalty for major offenses?
Do we sterilise all repeat offenders?
Do we euthanise all repeat offenders?

What the hell, why don't we just stick all the unemployed, all the immigrants, all the criminals and all the disabled up against a wall and shoot the lot of them. There!  Drains sorted.  Burdens sorted.


I know that this seems excessive.  I know that it seems extreme.  And, I might add, I don't agree with it. But, remember, it starts with something small, it starts with something that was never acceptable before to be acceptable now and it will get worse.  It will slowly seep through the cracks and before you know it we're in a Hitler State, where only those 'humans' that those in power deem to be 'correct' will exist and everyone else is DEAD!

Cya (again)....or maybe you won't; depends on who gets in!

REGULAR WRITING IS HARD

Hiya folks; see I told you I'm crap at updating :-)

To be honest, I'm finding it difficult to post as I don't think most things are interesting enough and I don't want to get into the habit of 'Monday I did this', 'Tuesday I did this' or 'I've eaten this today', you get the picture.

If something has annoyed me or cheered me up no end, that's different, but how often in life does that happen?  I mean really happen?  I'm not talking about finding positive in every day, that's normally pretty easy.  My son getting up and saying 'hi' is positive, my dog looking up expectantly for his morning biscuits is positive, drinking my cup of tea by myself in the quiet is positive.  All those little things that you are supposed to look at, if you have depression like me, are easy peasy and trying not to dwell on negative things like stupid comments from your partner or news items that you think are truely unbelievable in this so called modern world is also easy.

What I'm talking about is those 'blow your mind' moments of pure, ecstatic, happiness or 'gobsmacking' moments of sheer surprise or, even, 'what the fuck?' moments of totally and utter disbelief or anger.  Those moments are rare and sporadic; they have to be otherwise they wouldn't 'blow your mind', be 'gobsmacking' or make you want to say 'what the fuck?'.  Imagine living a life that was full of those moments.  For starters that probably would wear a bit thin after a while and wouldn't be quite so awe expiring and if they didn't become a bit 'dull', you'd be exhausted emotionally from dealing with them.

So blogs, columns, diaries or whatever you choose to write or read become a bit mundane after a while.  Trying to constantly think of something interesting to say is tiring, it's hard, it's damn near impossible on a consistant basis and is probably why novellists tend to bring out only one good book every two or three years and hats off to proffesional columnists and bloggers, that's what I say.

If this is the case, then why am I writing today?  Well, an old teacher of mine said that to write, you must write!  Sounds stupid and pretty obvious, but it's true.  I had no idea on what I was going to write today, but I've decided that every Monday (we'll see how long it lasts) I will write a blog, so I opened up my page, clicked new post and sat here.  Didn't know what to say, so, as in when I couldn't think of what to do for some homework that was given to me on a writing course I wrote a poem about why I couldn't think of what to do for the homework, I've written about why I can't always write on a regular basis.  What has that meant?  Well, I've written; a reasonable amount to be honest.  It might not be awe inspiring, it might not be well written, but at least it isn't 'Monday, I did this' or 'I ate this over the weekend'.

Cya

Not exactly the best photo in the world, but 'first blossoms on the plum tree' taken this morning

THINKING ABOUT FAITH IS A LOT HARDER THAN YOU THINK

I’m having one of those days today.  I should be doing x, y and z, but I'm not in the mood, so I'm trying to do a, b and c instead.  And that isn't working out to brilliantly either.

I should be making fudge for partner’s birthday on Sunday; I say I should be making it, but really I should be helping my son make it, but neither of us is in the mood.

I should be sewing something for my daughter's birthday on Tuesday, but that isn't working out too well either as I need to go and get a couple of bits and I can't be bothered to get dressed.  Obviously in a lazy mood today although did run down to the post box earlier in my pjs as I had a form that desperately needed posting (it should have got there today rather than being posted today).  Luckily post box is less than 100 yards from the house.

So, after deciding that the above two things won't get done today, I turned to the other stuff.  The form, as I've said, got done and posted.  The urgent bill got paid, although I'm surprised as my bank account is rather heavily overdrawn at the moment; thank goodness for overdraft facilities. The washing got done, although now I have to bung it in the tumble dryer as it's a bit late to get it outside and even if it wasn't, it's been raining.  The last thing I should be doing and I am trying to do is my homework.

"What homework?" I hear you say.

Well, I have had a book called A Witch Alone for years.  I've dipped in and out of it, checking and researching information, but I've never read it from cover to cover and never followed it as it should be followed. It's basically a practical guide to being a Hedgewitch and has lunar monthly chapters with reading, exercises and research to do.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Witch-Alone-Thirteen-Master-Natural/dp/0007133235/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1424447199&sr=1-1&keywords=a+witch+alone

http://hedgewitchforest.com/

I've been wanting to do it since I bought it and have finally decided that this year was the year to start.  January's went well and I've got rather a lot of info printed up and I enjoyed it, but this month, I'm struggling. 

This month is all about The Goddess and her consort The God.  I'm supposed to consider what it means to have a Goddess and a God with many forms, also to read and think about religious experience and how it has affected me in the past. Plus I'm supposed to divide a page and list attributes, symbols or titles for each; matching as I go if I can.  There are a couple of other things that are mainly reading and research and that isn't too bad, neither is the list of attributes, but the bit about religious experience and how it has affected me is, how shall we say, really hard.

I was brought up Christian, by Sunday school teacher parents and, although they never made me go to church as I grew older, I certainly had to go as a child.  Religion then and does still have issues for me. 

I always felt that there was something missing, something unsaid, something hidden and as I've got older I'm even more suspect of religions. The more research I do, the more I found out about missing books, texts, different translations, etc, the more suspicious I get.  I’m not a lover of rules and rituals as they seem so 'man'made rather than 'god'made and to discover that a lot of woman have been removed from religious text or condemned as evil reinforces the ‘man’made element to me.

Even in the pagan world I have issues with wording and ritual.  For starters I don’t like the word ‘invoke’.  I know that it means ‘to ask’ ‘to appeal’ but it can also mean ‘to call forth or upon (a spirit) by incantation’ or ‘to cause, call forth, or bring about’ which seems to me to be a demand.  Now I won’t demand anything to come to me (apart from my dog of course); I don’t feel that I need to invoke anything, I feel that spirits, corners, whatever you want to call it/them are all around me anyway; including God if I was to think in my Christian upbringing.  If this is the case, they will help me or not as they will.  I can pay homage to them, ask their help, but I certainly cannot and will not demand or call in.

Does this mean that any work I do with the Goddess won’t be valued?  I don’t think so, but maybe others would.  I suppose the very fact that I’m thinking about it on a deeper, emotional level is exactly what the book is asking me to do, but even as I’m writing this and I’ve been attempting to write it all evening, I’m coming up with more conflicting views on the whole thing.

Must admit, learning is never an easy thing and when it comes to choosing and following a path of faith it’s even harder.

Perhaps I should just step back for a bit, have a really good think and come back to it a bit later on when I’m not stressing about overdrafts, birthday presents and such like.

I need to meditate!

RANT OF THE DAY: MOBILE PHONES

Ok, I know I’m over 50 and that when I was a teen mobile phones looked like bricks and the most exciting thing you could play on a computer was ping pong, but do the youth of today really need to be on their phones 24/7?

I’m not against technology, I use it; a lot! It gives me access to information that I use for our home ed adventure, it keeps me in contact with friends; close and long distance (which saves phone calls) and it’s a great place to while away a few hours on pointless games on Facebook when I really can’t be arsed to craft or watch my partner play Lara or read (you get the picture), but I do not under any circumstances feel the need to be ‘connected’ all the time.

My biggest bugbear is when I have visitors or if I’m visiting and the person who is visiting or being visited is on their mobile the whole time they are here/I’m there.  Did you want to see me or not?  Its bloody rude peeps!  Now if an emergency phone call comes through or you’re waiting for a call re a job/appointment/long lost relative, then fine, but, to be honest, everything else can damn well wait!

Ok, the odd text message that might come through and you think “I’ll quickly answer that” is fine, but to be constantly checking your Facebook account is not!  No, it really isn’t people, it really isn’t. 

I see it on the street as well, babies or toddlers sitting in pushchairs gurgling away or chatting and their parents totally ignoring them and checking their profiles on FB, Twitter, Instagram, Googleplus, etc.  Those kids need interaction too you know and their interaction is with you.  We are raising a bunch of people who have been, basically, ignored the whole of their childhood and then, obviously, get addicted to social media when adults because, finally, they think they have ‘friends’; people who care.  Does anyone else wonder if this is why kids get sucked in by paedophiles online?  They have someone who wants to be with them, talk to them, tell them how special they are; ‘cause they certainly haven’t been told that when they were young on a regular basis.

Sorry, I’m off on an extreme now, but what if?  Social Media has its place, in fact it’s fantastic, but remember it isn’t ‘real’; what is real is the physical people around you, the life that goes past your window each day, the people you meet up with, family, friends and your children.  Put the phone down!  Turn it off for a couple of hours (better still, turn it off for a day) and start living in the real world; you’ll be surprised at what you can get done when not ‘tied’ to the phone. If you must visit Social Media, set aside an hour or two a day and 'check in', it really doesn't take longer than that to catch up, believe me (I'm not including emails here by the way which are a bit different).

And, most importantly to me, if you are at my house, you are visiting me!  If you constantly check your phone I will take it off you and slam it against the wall.  You know who you are and have been warned.

Cya

IT DEPENDS ON THE WEATHER

Okay, new year and new resolutions?  Nah, as I'm hopeless at them; making them and keeping them.  So I'm not going to promise that I'll keep this up, I will probably not write it every day/week/month, but I will write when I feel up to it or because I want to.

So, update!  Been on antidepressants for a while, but am now off them.  Not by doctor's orders I might add, but accidentally.  I knew I was running short, so took the final couple of weeks as one every other day as getting to the doctors wasn't going to be an easy thing to fit in and I'm supposed to have had an appointment anyway.  So, finally managed to get to docs, went in, only to be turned away as they were having a monthly meeting and no-one was allowed in!!!!!  Popped prescription repeat request into box and hoped for the best.  A few days later, I called the docs for an appointment only to discover that I couldn't get one for 3 weeks!!!!!!!  Unless an emergency one of course, which meant ringing in the morning for a morning appointment or the afternoon for an afternoon one.  The latter is something I never understand especially as I'd rung at 11am.  Surely they would have known by then if there was an afternoon appointment available.  Hate their stupid system, almost as much as I hate the fact that all doctor practices in the building have automatic sign in for appointments on a little computer screen except mine.  Screen never seems to be working, so you have to queue up just to tell the receptionist, who is invariably on the phone or chatting to a patient, that you've arrived. Hrumph!!  I digress. So realising that I couldn't get an appointment I went on my merry way through life until I suddenly realised a week later that I hadn't picked up the prescription.  By this point I'd been out of tablets for two weeks and as I wasn't feeling too bad and that I was also skint, I decided not to bother picking the damn thing up and spending £8.05 for something that I might not need anymore (what is it with the 5p?  A nice round £8 would be preferrable).  So here I am, not on tablets, not feeling too bad and awaiting another week before doc gets back from wherever he may be so I can make an appointment.

During this time of being half off and completely off tablets, I've also noticed how much the weather affects me!  Take yesterday.  Sunny day, although cold, was up early as having guttering man coming to clean out the gutters (obviously) and the downpipe.  I managed to get so much done yesterday and I felt amazing doing it.  Thought to myself, "this is it, the answer to everything, get up extra early and spend the day doing 'stuff'."  But no!  Today, I'm tired, miserable (although that has more to do with hearing some pretty awful news about a very close friend), I can't be bothered to go out and I want to curl up on sofa.  Why?  Because the weather is dark, dingy and miserable too!  So I'm not depressed, I'm just weather dependant.

Although now I've said that I must add that I actually was depressed when I first started taken the little pills of joy.  I hated everything and pretty much couldn't stand most people either.  That has changed, but I have realised that it's me that had to change.  I had to realise that there are some people you have to spell everything out to; you have to explain it all, give them instructions and tell them when you want it done by.  They, then, happily get on with it, throwing themselves into it with full enthusiam and the job gets done to a fab standard.  I wish it didn't have to be that way; I wish they could think for themselves, get on with stuff that is obvious to me and be enthusiastic about sorting it out in the first place, but no, that isn't going to happen.  So I've accepted that I have to be 'mum' to a man who is a year older than me and tell him what I want him to do and if I can't get him to do it, I'll have to pay a man who can and then reclaim the money back after a small arguement of "I asked you. No you didn't. Yes I did! Well I couldn't do it due to xyz or I was going to do it later (which of course is never). But it needed doing now!  Well it's done now so how much?" As to everyone else, I need to shut up and let them get on with it.

Well, that's tablets update, me update, me having another moan, me curling up on sofa writing this instead of actually doing something, although I did just nip off an put the spuds in the oven (rosemary and garlic flavoured mini roasties; son's favourite) and me signing off as I can't be bothered to write any more.

Cya